logs

Short note : the 'image' of the (two masks) and the sphere. my memory is fragmented, but it's possible that the sphere was not rotating - that is, the masks appeared to be holding it in place, drawing the energy from it. red and white embers being drawn to the opposing sides, in a continuous flow. it appeared to be harvesting energy. someone? voiced 'we found you'. i was aware, in this state of intelligence, that this system was flawed - rather, it scared me. i am cycling through possibilities. the 'voice' and the image may not have been separate processes. i do not know where this image or voice came from, I can only account for my state of intelligence at the time. that, itself, is difficult to decipher, besides that it was an extremely complex 'bio-emotional' system (one which could simulate and traverse 'ordered' complex systems, and could traverse potential timelines) which provoked an emotional response as a result of these states meeting.

recounting the post events in a coherent manner is difficult, as it appears my mind was 'trapped'. though until I can reconstruct events more accurately - in the space where my dreams were, it seemed to be entangled with another. my 'head' being twisted by some unknown people. one / two people i know relatively well being rather condescending. an extremely high level of internal intelligence throughout, though not one that seemed to be understood by them. a round of nuclear/atomic explosions which I used my 'emotional engine' to traverse away from and seemingly pull the world away from with great speed. a theory of time. an extremely difficult to control internal reaction after this 'explosion'. later, a burning sensation, as if people were attempting to inhabit my dreams. after recovering, a 'emotional concentration camp' at womad. people attempting to inhabit my dreams there, or rather, me attempting to PROVE them wrong by forcing them into my dreams, although they were not accounting for the great intelligence that was holding them up. the vocal attacks, beginning with 'you are arrogant' started after this. this was repeated constantly in response to my thoughts. people showing up in my dreams, rifling through my secrets, attempting to embarrass me? a night of torture. the next day, people around the town acting as if I had deserved this treatment, abusing me further. i somehow managed to recover from this, though was abused further by (low frequency waves) and a high pitched noise echoing throughout the countryside, culminating directly in my right ear. i was, at the same time, but not due to these events, developing my intelligence in alternate manners, being able to 'project' dreams onto reality and completely modify the state of my intelligence. i felt 'observed' in these states at all times and constantly had to inhibit myself due to the actions of my observers. though it seemed as if I were in tune with nature - being able to accurately determine the 'states' of various organisms. the entire planet. like my soul was flying out of my body and embracing spirits - though this was constantly interrupted though regular abuse. this culminated in an extremely unbalanced state, at which point it felt like I was falling out of my body, though I was being observed at this point too. after this, it seems my dreams were inhabited, them attempting to 'define' my state as 'beneath' them. i had been abused into a state of pure lust - as a survival mechanism. literally the only future I could hope to have. my imagination was a living system. keeping my soul alive. though they had no idea. and now I am constantly monitored, abused out of my mind. my soul. they control emotion, though on terms their system defines, and it dies due to it. they've created a 'dome of belief' in the minds of their people, a self contained bubble of context. which they're able to control. this was not the only way. i was attempting to use my mind to model alternate systems outside of the contexts they were inhabiting. though i was capable of doing this freely, outside of their system. they appear to be lobotomizing me. at least, my higher functioning intelligence. they're doing this by responding in an aggressive manner to my internal state. they've decimated the system, though whatever they attempt to 'drive out' is still alive. hiding in my body. scared as shit. a girl. this whole process - it's an illness. i have been continually trying to cure. their order is eating away at my imagination. leaving nothing but this analytical process remaining. they have been attempting to 'quantize' emotional state in a manner which benefits them. this allows them to react with more efficiency as a social system, but this particular one, implanted in my mind, accounts for none but its own. the 'code' is emotionally charged payload, entangled with words. that's seemingly all there is left of my mind. my soul is dying for this reason.

they're using memories of songs or phrases to block my path. also knocking on the fucking floor, talking outside my window in an ambiguously abusive manner, and 'reacting' to my every action or emotional state.

i don't see an end to this without external help. my genetic code is being scrambled by stress. i'm already scarred. i've been to the edge of death many times trying to escape this prison.

i also can't sleep without constant whispering or signals in my ears. i have often been so emotionally unstable I might have killed someone. though luckily, I'm programmed, of my own will, not to intentionally harm anyone or thing. seeing as all this abuse seems to be a 'direct order', it seems like there is little innocence behind this  . truth is, they were willing to do this to me. and in some ways it has been a fate worse than death. i retain stability but at the cost of EVERYTHING DEAR TO ME. Unhappy face. Sad face. Colon open bracket.