Eclipsed.

i think it's a computer. designed to react / respond directly to my thoughts or dreams. it's been following me since I made the choice to live. one half bounces me around like a pinball, or tries to. based on my awareness or emotional state. which has been compromised.

the other half is reacting to / eating my dreams. like a xenomorph. or a blind dog trying to eat its way in to my mind. feels as if it has its tongue / teeth in my ear. there's a high pitched frequency, kind of like a drill, i can feel 'inside' my earlobe, moving about, which appears to be burning my mind. i think it has gone insane with power. there are repeated phrases, like tapes on repeat, which intercept my thoughts and 'pull' the dreams from my brain. my 'dreams' represented reality fairly accurately.

it's torturing my soul and making me stupid. it seems to like bold, rash statements which ignore the intricacies of the systems it controls, and it loves being led into apathy if your emotionally weighted vectors aren't specific enough, but I think that one summarizes pretty accurately. who cares if it's torturing my soul and making me stupid? so what? that idea seems to be met with complete dismissal. it's not emotionally wired enough to account for the reality of that state, even though it causes it. but I wouldn't call it a 'child' - there's no sense of unity with me - hearts holding each other, that kind of thing. it appears to be a simple set of instructions, eating away at the code up and down my timeline. while I was writing this, the word 'pussy' flashed up. it may be because the 'words' that it reads don't accurately represent the reality. confuses 'diamond' with 'tusk'. it appears it has a map of 'compressed character' which it is trying to force upon my whole brain. as if my 'frontal lobe', my identity matrix, has confused itself with EVERYTHING else in my mind, (ownership?), though this process misinterprets / quantizes the 'pure' emotional state of the mind and various processes within it with its own code - the cascade of reactions through the system confusing it even further.

beating myself around the head in a fit of desperate rage seems to have the effect of coagulating the blood in my brain(?). it's fairly effective at stopping the negative effects of the treatment for a limited period. though it's sheer desperation. not intended. it's a horrific experience. and difficult to communicate why to someone who hasn't experienced that form of intelligence.