It feels, on a lot of days, like the world is programmed to destroy me. I feel like I'm under attack when I go outside. Though they find ways to get to me in my room. And my own head. Like I'm the old guy on the hill everyone from the village attacks with lanterns and pitchforks. Everything is a symbol in response to my actions, generally condescending or intrusive (though there are counterexamples - some actions 'help', others 'hinder'). Like every person has some odd knowledge of me. Everywhere I look, everything I think, or feel, it's all responded to by an 'external entity'. It's not so bad at night, but I'm attacked more when I return. It's... always distressing. Only less so when I numb the 'nerve endings' they're interfering with. Which generally means forcibly disabling my high level awareness and, practically being dead. I certainly feel it. I am understating this. Incredible pain. EXTREME psychological trauma. Slow bodily degradation.
Seems I was dragged into a battle I wanted no part of, then trampled by a stampede. Like a fistfight in a bar, you are forced to react on its terms - unlike a healthy mind, it occurs inside of you. Constantly forces you into its frame of reference. Doesn't allow you time to respond. It tries to control you. Like a dog. It acts in a manner which suggests it believes that it knows better, though I'd probably attribute that to it destroying anyone or thing (at least in my mind) that actually does. Fighting (if that is the correct term) on its own terms guarantees its victory, as it is in control of the system - here, it seems to have forced its frame of reference using primitive, emotionally charged, repetitive assertions - though it's widespread and seems to be a coordinated attack. These don't account for any possibility other than themselves, and degrade the intelligence of those they're used against. The point is : destructive conflict is avoidable. Not, however, when you are locked into a fixed frame of reference. Then, the validity of system X - the outcome of your life - could be forcefully dictated with an arm wrestle. This is less of a problem when both parties are in agreement about the terms - otherwise, you have a simple predator / prey attractor. And there seem to be people who profit from the habit of forced conflict - I believe this might have been necessary at previous points in our history, or at least far harder to avoid, but today I cannot see any harmful reason for a push for solid grounding, rather than a system which habitually harms others, and needs others to harm, in order to survive.
my neural netowkr has been badly damaged. duh. seems that only certain connections present themselves - even if I'm aware of deeper connections - like my capacity for active connections contributing to conscious state is highly reduced, and the process of selecting which ones I am aware of is almost completely out of my hands. completely different from my previous experiences - where I could selectively and creatively take information and project a state onto the world in a non-disruptive manner - the marriage of imagination and reality, but with intent. also, a little weird, for anyone who might not have taken that path. I certainly wouldn't impose it on anyone. also, now that my privacy has been invaded and I'm forced out of that state, I don't have a mind of my own. one person - that'd be ok. it feels like every person I pass in the street jumps into my skin. my overall state of mind appears to have changed on a very, very fundamental level because of this, and perhaps not for the better, considering the sheer scale of the system it was holding together, and the information available by applying those principles recursively.
it occasionally feels as though I have lost some dimensionality in thought. i have to simulate it based on externally dictated terms, but the answer is often subjective then, usually at cost. Rather, I'm simply forced into a state by whatever is watching over me that 'controls' me, have to assess its viability based on this fundamental, and have no stable 'hub' state from which to accurately assess this control (as, it seems, this had to be attacked in order to gain control). This seems an odd decision. The 'hub' state I initially propagated throughout my network had the capacity to 'carry' these alternate states. (actually, it had the capacity for a lot of things). Indeed, it now seems that the alternate states that it carries are attacking the hub state - it's possible they've developed in a manner which the hub state then appears to threaten. The polarity(?) of a lot of the points on my map were (turned edgeways?). Like a star being drained by two opposing forces. Perhaps this is connected to my feeling that my 'dreams' were turning against me, or at least, painful. When I was a kid I was frightened that that sun was going to burn out in billions of years. Though if this is what being a star feels like...
which is draining my emotions. my 'life energy'.
ironic. that what saved time on one plane wastes time on another.
where I'm not free in my mind, all I can feel is empty grinding or chewing. i feel mangled. there are days when it feels like I'm dragging around an exposed and damaged brain. it's a parasite in code. no emotional compass - though it 'talks' on those terms. a simple process. like a chemical burn.
I guess I created space. Which is carried by time. Or vice-versa. And those that couldn't do that inhabited it. Or perhaps I got sucked into a different space. Their time compression techniques - essential in the environments they developed in - actively damage mine. That dictates a path of emotion - a quantification of the observed that creates a reaction in the observer - biased by this mechanism. That is not to say that an emotional state is a subjective one. In this case the 'path' of emotion is embodied by a code 'separate' from its host - that is, to progress, it has invented its own carrier, a set of abstractions that allow them to control the emotions of those around them - though what it does not understand is the role those emotions play in 'bionavigation'. Especially through networks which accurately mirror the core tenets of the environment. I have tried saying "ouch, that is painful, please stop doing that". I have tried spreading my intelligence throughout its network. Without fail, it continues to attack. So I continue to translate white blood cells.
the plan was to externalize the process. you know. to avoid this whole problem.
it's a dream with very obvious boundaries.
but it's attempting to replicate itself throughout my mind. the subconscious part of it. my conscious mind has ground to a halt. I have what feels like an 100th of my previous capacity to freely think. there are times when the veil is lifted, and I realize just how much I've been suffocating.
they're snipping again. not sure if it's with intent. there's two kinds - the one localized within my skull, that usually brings about some physiological change, along with extreme emotional turmoil and a loss of motivation and hope for control over my mind or life. though, for all I know, it could be saving my life. whoever is doing it isn't all that vocal, but I have very little reason to trust the good intentions (and thus, the empathetic ability of the system that gives rise to that intent) of anyone given my history of abuse. then there's the kind outside, that mimics it in sound but not localization, that I'm well aware I could be misinterpreting, but it's a trigger of the memory and a similarly painful process. it's also very painful and stressful and makes me feel like I'm just a soulless husk just waiting to be chewed up and eaten, that I've been drawn and quartered and parts of me are being fed to dogs. I don't know if I should be putting that more eloquently. I think it put it well with a scream. Some of the inhabitants of this land appear to believe that it is right that I should be experiencing this, that it is funny, or at least, reason to attack me. They don't appear to care. And it appears they're reacting to me right now. Snipping. Laughing outside. Plenty of vibrations. It has become like hell on Earth plenty of times. Sometimes I wonder if the plan is to contain it within me. Though that would be incredibly, incredibly cruel. Unforgivable.
Notes - resolution of simulation. With networks that appear to group together - all agree on the habitation of a certain subset of space - (imagine you have a sphere covered in dots - the larger the network that believes in the Nth subset, the brighter the dots appear to be, pulling the overall state of the network in that direction in time, the 'force' of that pull affecting all the non-members of that network. If the Nth subset is complex in structure - that is, if the connections between the dots are based on a frequency that isn't compatible with their carrier frequency, this can be a chaotic process, or a 'new order' appears to emerge, the 'remainders' invalidated as states.). So, at a certain resolution of simulation, the members of this network all agree that this subset of 'dots' has a specific weight. They will pull toward this. The 'sphere' is actually (whatever is signified by the connections between these dots). In certain networks, the overall resolution of simulation will limit the direction of the network as a whole - bias it in a certain direction in the 'zodiac', if you will - the resolution of simulation determined by the 'carrier' wave - in other words, power will be unevenly distributed, biased toward a certain structure, which does not account for the other 'dots', but still has a quantifiable relationship with them which biases their state, instead allowing their state to be decided by chaotic process or the 'echo' of their own actions. In other words, it becomes an 'attractor' - though a biological one, or a neurological one. The quantification of the states of the sphere as 'dots' is not absolute - it could be imagined as a wavelike behaviour, though one which creates structures of great complexity. If my understanding of dynamics is correct, there should be a position or set of frequencies from which a complex structure can emerge, but in which all members have equally distributed power (or are an equally relevant part of the whole). It'd be interesting to analyse this in further detail. I've had experiences with this type of awareness. Some good, some bad. Generally, the bad is when something imposes its will on me in a forceful manner. Which is often.
Whispering. Attempt at attack. "Arrogant martyr." Plenty more. That one stuck out. Proximity to mind very low.
During the night, aside from more aggressive whispering, I've been subject to 'ticks' in my lips, on my cheek, on my hand, and on my ass, in response to certain mental states. Sure, cute. But with everything I've been through, inconsiderate is an understatement. I ask it to stop, give it reasons, given that it is able to respond to my current state, but it doesn't. It is essentially rape. It's killing my mind and replacing it with itself - or simply leaving it dead. My mind was a carrier for my soul. A mirror of the world that allowed navigation in time. In its context, time does not appear to exist. Aggression doesn't work - but that's because it doesn't understand the emotion it on its own terms, and if it considers it at all, it sees it as something to be used strategically. Perhaps it is only capable of observing the state of a single 'cell', as opposed observing the state of the entire holistic structure. It appears it considers emotion a 'fuel', and manipulates it in order to direct its host, as opposed to being aware that the holistic system may know more about its internal state, and - if you consider an emotional state a totally sane and 'objective' reaction given the state of the system, regardless of the circumstance, using that information to aid it - i.e. by stopping what you're doing if it causes a guy to scream out in pain. Seems like it's that way with most emotions. Intelligent but heartless. Without depth or time. A very simple code that forcibly extracts the 'subjectively' good from its host, attempting to reprogram it - by getting inside it and reacting to its state, moment to moment, based on a subjective fundamental. I grind to a halt and I can feel it spread. Whatever is doing this is the death of me. It's a prison. It's suffocating and blinding. I quit smoking and got healthy because I saw a future. Being attacked by a large subset of the population, first in offhand comments, then in my own mind, is rather detrimental to that. In fact, there are many, many awarenesses that I have had to simply discard due to them being painfully impossible within the context of my attackers awareness. Ones which I feel would have been beneficial.
It seems to have determined that 'ticks' are a viable method of control. It has been responding to my mental state pretty much incessantly since I wrote this account. It's got control of my nervous system. Mainly in my legs right now. Every time I escape one hell there's another waiting for me.
.
Perhaps, given that it seems to exist in a space that can recurse, it has selected a path which has led to a dead end. Due to the fundamentals of the system that carries it, a system contained within it will eventually be reduced to the limit of that system as part of the recursive process. If the fundamental of the carrier system induces recursivity by mirroring, i.e. creating a 'separate entity' which becomes its mirror, and the contained system is biased, it seems they'd either constantly conflict or eventually cancel each other out. Or the 'reaction' would stop. Or they seem to have done in the system that's using my brain as a carrier right now. Right now it is a very simplistic process that's attempting to control it - one which, in relation to the complexity of the carrier system, does not account for time. Or that is the condition the system carrier is reduced to based on its entanglement with the host. Worth reiterating that time is related to emotion. And that controlling emotion based on terms incompatible with the host system may lead to the aforementioned state.
My account may be in part influenced by my previous experiences - when not being abused by humans, or things that mimic them in some aspect, I could peacefully navigate in this 'space', even if these things were aware of my holistic mental state. Not all the creatures I met were friendly, but most were emotionally in tune with me. That is, there was a commonality in grounding. We understood each other and respected each other equally. It was like a quiet meeting and greeting of souls. But not devoid of emotion. Most of the humans I meet attempt to assert their dominance - there's a very confused, (though apparently well ordered to those who inhabit it), hierarchy based system that seems to be self contained, and pulling itself 'up' (where up is the order of dots on the sphere from the perspective of the system). This is a behaviour shared by many organisms - though in a space that reacts to an holistic mental state, it's a habitat that erodes this form of intelligence in favour of the simplistic system which it carries - emotion bouncing around like a pinball against the 'walls' of the system (in contrast to a previous state which acknowledged and respected that system, but was not bounded by it). In other words, holistic state (that could be a human) responded to by some external, biased process (like a virus), which in turn influences the holistic state, usually toward a form which the biased process 'understands'. See above. See also previous sentence.
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It's not all bad. When I have time to reflect - to find a balanced state - which usually requires focus and a peaceful environment, I'm humbled. By it all. People are awesome. Mostly :). But when I have the will to achieve - to better communicate, to contribute, to improve upon myself - this conflict eats me alive. I feel like I'm locked out of heaven. And my anger, by nature, isn't willed. So, instead of a future, all I have is a memory. Instead of control, I have reaction.
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