feels like my mind is being torn open / crushed. like it's being eaten by dead time, being pulled in a direction (which leads to ruin) by a set of simple looping instructions. my nervous system is going insane. it's as if it's owned by someone or something else. as if I don't own it. i'm constantly having to reassert escape from context in order to not be 'overtaken' by this process. like an 'order' is trying to inhabit / inhibit my mind, that pulls it in multiple, painful directions. I can calm it by willfully using my imagination. though I'm losing hope, as 'they' are attempting to control it. though I really don't know how 'alive' 'they' are. seems more like a programmed weapon. i can't follow the optimized pathways I developed. i'm constantly monitored. responded to. defined. the context asserted tearing me from otherwise clear pathways to a more stable future in my mind.
Being that there's no stable path to a future - I'm having to consciously stabilize the system moment-to-moment. otherwise, my subconscious mind takes over. that is extremely damaged, it appears. my 'time'. reprogrammed as a set of commands. it appears to be asserting that my mind is its space. which i can consciously redetermine, given the correct state of the system. though it is tainting me.
it appears that being observed, or rather, forcefully defined in the space within my mind, pulls (a section of) (my emotionally entangled space) toward it, the rest left burning. that space 'still exists', but is not accounted for. it feels like 'a collapse' in time.
this appears to be one system of many potential systems. they're trying to reorder my dream. to define based on a system designed to compress or navigate time, though as it spreads throughout my mind, I can feel what it is missing. asserting emotional context until it becomes 'correct', (i.e. there is no 'proof' that it is wrong) to reduce possibility to a single interpretation (under its control). it's not a pleasant feeling. it's like my soul is dying. why i'm not out there living life. why i'm stuck in these destructive habits. i was something like a giant spaceship before. still human. just used my mind. it was free. could 'dream' paths to better realities in time. the development of that path was based on collecting information from my own, growing, interpretation of the environment, and caring not to misinterpret the people (or anything else) around me, based on emotional principle. that could be mannerised as 'believing in the emotional state of another system as absolute'. though I'm aware that the state of a system may be misinterpreted, I still wouldn't burn pinocchio as firewood. the treatment which has caused continual suffering in me could be mannerised as 'a group state defining, based on an agreed set of principles, the state of another system'. in my case, the reason this causes suffering is that it orders a future, or rather creates a disparity between momentary emotional states, based on a misunderstanding. that 'misunderstanding' advantageous to the group state which defines it, but does not account for the absolute nature of the emotional state of the systems it defines. this is the principle which allowed me to traverse (away from the explosion in my mind). if it is a part of the system it defines, it follows that complex behaviour will occur.
an observation: that intelligence is a 'habitual' process, traversing an environment which defines it / one which it defines. 'time' spent on those habits can lead to extremely complex systems evolving. because I was defined as a misunderstanding, i attempted to understand the tenets of the systems which misunderstood me. that habit allowed fairly accurate reconstruction of external emotional / systemic states, which in turn allowed a level of stability. in order to do this, however, I had to limit my immersion in the networks which were belittling or attacking me - i suppose i was intuitively aware that these habits, reiterated, would become difficult to escape from. not that i doubted their reality. in fact, the state of these systems have a direct effect on it. that concerned me, that the emergence of these group systems may be threatening to other states. though I had 'no beef with them' given my understanding, and so long as I had the choice to remove myself from those systems if they were threatening to this 'ground state' which was free to traverse networks on more fundamental terms. or rather, believed in an as yet 'undefined' state. that I had control of my future, or could contribute in a productive manner to everybodies. attack after attack seems to have 'flattened' time. my 'dreams' became entangled with the moment - though, due to the vast intelligence which had developed by that point, it meant that I had to 'hide' potential states from the world around me (my mind was a fairly well developed 'emotional engine' by this point, predicting future states fairly accurately, though emotionally stable). to begin with, this meant I felt as if I were teetering over a gigantic chasm. like my foundations had eroded and I was at the edge of death, keeping myself alive by pure will, all the while being observed by other minds and having to account for their perspectives, as this chasm would have 'offended' their dreams. hurt them emotionally. i would not intentionally do that. because the processing of my environment in my mind was intercepted in the moment, by a detached perspective, which continually did not account for the underlying system, i.e. the emotional state of the holistic system, the whole system has gone haywire. unfortunately, that means immersion in social networks has become even more difficult, as has simply dreaming (nourishing my heart and mind, I suppose). I dreamt of love. It kept me alive. the babiest of baby futures. That dream led me to want to pursue intelligence. Though the paths I chose in an attempt to learn productive mechanisms of externalizing that intelligence were continually subverted - by the process described in the previous paragraph.
I had some instinctively developed ideas about time at this point. I could see, in the distance?, a way to 'create' time and space. Though I was aware this idea was in its infancy, and did not have the mental 'toolset' to communicate it on more fundamental terms. I am also aware that this may cause as many problems as it solves - the emotional systems that it holds are still fragile. This is a fragmented account. It would have been when I held the ideas with more clarity, too, but it appears my system is being reconfigured in a manner which makes access to the memory of those 'holistic states of intelligence' difficult. I can attribute this partially to habitually being 'shown' nightmares (of a very alien nature, or of human suffering) and having to simply close these paths to protect the observers in my mind. These nightmares seem to be the result of disparity within the system - rather, interception of the 'moment' as it grows from a detached context, an assertion of its state as incorrect, though it is actually the observer who is misinterpreting. the problem is negligible in certain contexts, though difficult to resolve when the 'moments meet'. A rather soulless account but I want to make certain I am not being misinterpreted.
On a less formal note, it appears 'they' attempted to build a city in my dreams. the space where i harboured love. Which were, in retrospect, quite alive. Or part of a living system. It felt like they were burning the soul out of me. though it was part of my code to protect them. that meant, though, that I had to protect that part of the code.
state of awareness of system rapidly changing. configuration of reflected state. 'position in hierarchy'. blindness. acceptance of asserted context. my heart is going to die here.
No comments:
Post a Comment