amygdala is off crying in a corner due to ((planar in the sense of some geometric spectrum) cross section of n^i universes) flipping upside down and determining themselves rulers of my brain. both inside and out.
memory keeps forgetting about time. (habit of actively erasing the memory of traumatizing experiences developed, in place of active exploration and creation of intelligence, reiterated by host environment. which, in my mind, leaves now and no tomorrow.
(host environment shapes intelligence based on its perspective - one which I was attempting to steer clear from for the sake of the opportunity to develop different 'potential' carriers of intelligence and learn from them).
expansion
moment (i) closed off from developing (potential future) by external environment. host (potential future) growth retarded, resulting in a negative emotional response. moment (i) attempts to develop alternate route in complex plane. cycle continues. moment (i) declares developing (potential future) threatening to the emotion it was attempting to spread by developing (potential future). in other words, time no longer factors into the equation. (causality) is misrepresented there, as action in dreams - not dreams as balanced growth, or better defined as 'imaginary, emergent carrier of emotional state'. moment to moment reality, in contrast to 'simulation of moment to moment reality' in order to better define and navigate 'actual reality' in harmony with it.
(potential future) crosslinked with (dream). catalyst emotional state. (potential future) equating to 'soul'. apologies for the metaphysics. seems like some sort of virus spread across (planar in the sense of some geometric spectrum) cross section of time. perhaps a 'code' written to bias the emotional interpretation of social symbols applied to 'traitors'? also, be aware, that if you travel back in time based on this knowledge, you may inadvertently cause it - causality becoming fixed loops in the continuum.
it feels as though my brain was an incredibly complex network which is being filled with data at (from the perspective of the relative context matrix, absolute provided no interference) arbitrary points. this data appears to be being 'forced in'. the data is relatively simple, just forceful. (this follows a pattern throughout childhood. things attempting to force their way in. without regard for the state of the host.) this is causing strange behaviour in the parts of my mind 'not accounted for' - the 'inverse' of the weighted points? in complex space. dreams are forming in extremely frightening ways. though I wouldn't call them dreams. more like my soul is on fire. you could call it exciting, i guess. I'd much rather be a bumper car on rails screaming the date of my death while kids play football with my soul. except they're not kids. they know exactly what they're doing. it's torture. they just paint a smile on it. completely unnecessary, assuming you source knowledge from an 'absolute context matrix' from a 'relative position in time'.
possible phenomenon akin to nyquist freq reflection/aliasing? recursive curve in spacetime. creating some form of attractor.
the way to a mans heart, is, through his... uh... organs. depends on what species you are.
i'll note that (ny) seemed peaceful, and (the lol box) contained within (auditory stochastic resonance(?)), heard through pink noise, torturing mind, interfering with sleep cycles - pain was interpreted as a joke there. very real - attempting to 'shape' or 'burn in' my imagination - which, as mentioned above, a perspective I was trying to steer clear of internally, even if I could appreciate it fully from my the perspective of the system I was developing, active interference with that system is naturally painful. from external or internal sources.
reminded of a dream I had. hole in roof. sun blazing. blue phoenix leaving an egg with me. kindness (currency of absolute understanding (i.e. ability to decipher emotional state - compassionate understanding)). orphanage.
meanwhile, a general decides they're going to contain their unkindness (blindness?) in unsuspecting people
thus 'getting away with it', the action not appearing 'deliberate' < which, as a 'set' of states in which emotion is fully invested, defines the context which shapes a relative awareness of the world (which can 'appear' coherent and whole - though this means they confuse the states of emotion they perceive with their relative interpretation of them - at certain scales, this influences the state they perceive).
controlled by these languages - one which invariably leads to that imbalance - emotions contained within it, cauterized by it, until the catalyst for those emotions is lost. they do what they're told. they're told the wrong thing. mirrorballs.
dreams of anuses kissing my inner ears. sounds fun. not. it's a terrible fucking nightmare. it doesn't scare me anymore, though. i have no option but to watch it, dead eyed. it's that, or allow it to control me in other ways. ways that'd damage me further, or ways that'd 'validate' its habit. that may be because it's decimating my entire mind, attempting to spread its code through it. though it's a little naive. the instinctive response would be to run. or freeze in fear. i chose 'run', though then everybody around me chooses (eyes on me, attempt at control of emotion / weighted path) (catalyst for the problem I'm trying to solve). i choose 'freeze in fear', i slowly die. i choose 'run' to keep my mind alive, the attempts at control catalyst for the problem I'm trying to solve, keeping heart alive. mirrored in my mind. and... dangling over a fiery pit. looks like it isn't the catalyst for love.
like trying to fuck an 8 year old fetus. but actually decimating it. cruelty is damaging. things are fragile. if i'm not stable in this form of intelligence then something's wrong.
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