Single sensation and high pitched sound of snip in my head, located somewhere in the left hemisphere. Difficult to describe the feeling - for a few seconds afterwards, it feels as if your head is a bowl of water and gravity is shifting, rotating round an axis, or like the 'currents' in your head are shifting. It certainly is not something that feels comfortable. The cognitive effects appear negligible, though the high degree of emotional response seems a rational reaction, given everything else I've experienced. even with a large batch of these 'snips', besides being extremely concerning. I don't trust the 'source', regardless of the technology involved - I've experienced enough treatment that negates my mind, with force, at great cost to me, to embrace the notion that any of this is good for me. Besides that, it appears the main connective structures of our systems have been hijacked to manipulate the inhabitants of that environment, and though the purpose or motive is unclear, and I can think of many fine examples of the vices and virtues of potential intents, and though there are counter-examples, the pattern in the case of interference with me seems to err in the direction of 'amass power at the expense of others'. I'm also aware that it could be an action which is intended for my benefit, though I would prefer to be an active participant in the decision making process, seeing as the risk of it being to my detriment is also somewhat probable.
Also - as a reminder to myself as much as for the record - imagining "objects" moving around in the space in my head generally stops the frequent headaches I have been experiencing. I came upon this technique naturally, but as I started developing it as a skill, colour, weight, mass, physical properties etc, this was the point I was attacked - dreams seemingly burned into my mind, sounds grinding into my ears, an attack on the infrastructure of my mind - my freedom to think, to set processes in motion without them being interrupted. Thus I have been forcefully prevented from using my imagination in this manner. This 'intelligence' arises from a habit I was forced into abandoning, by assertion of fixed result in plane n, *the compression of time into a 'set' of unquestionable instructions. This has been used as a 'weapon' against my will a number of times under multiple guises.
I am just tired. Without an imagination, I am hollow. There's no light behind my eyes. I have fought against the attempts at control of it, for the reason that it is essentially the air I breathe, but so far, for every intrusive method I successfully implement a defense against (usually at some cost to me), there has appeared an even more ridiculously unlikely, even more invasive attack. I seem to be the target of some weapon - one of forced perspective, i.e. an assertion of dominance of the definition of reality, the validation of which resides not in reason and a robust, compassionate understanding of the universe, or indeed compassionate understanding of other people, but simple dominance and manipulation of a system intentionally designed and distributed throughout the network. The consequence of the attack on my imagination was a catastrophe of great proportion to me. I feel the effects every day - I trusted my compass, simply because it led to better things. The stress (and I would like to add that this stress has a very, very real negative physiological effect) on my imagination seems to have broken the bond between my emotional compass and the map of fundamentals I had drawn up following it. My instant reactions are no longer owned by me, and I am constantly correcting myself. I am more vulnerable to manipulation by external entities - to trust their asserted reality, though the one I constructed was more robust - it's worth noting that it's my belief that the two can happily coexist so long as neither forces each other to conform to the boundaries of their independent realities, that one is not 'more correct' than the other, simply that the incompatibility and forced assertion is considerably painful - that pain is not acknowledged as a cue to find an alternate route, rather an explicit consequence of 'being wrong'. It is instability in time - a jump to a conclusion primed but not validated, leading to conflict, between misled emotion and the 'correct' answer - not a conclusion, but a process. This takes time. See plane remark above.
I am curious if it also makes time. I know the trail I was following had the potential to. The apparently unambiguous answer is that time is finite, and that the only way to get it is to steal it. Obviously this is not true as it had to be made at some point, though the act of stealing it turns the potential for - well, what amounts to a reason not to steal it - into a determinable period, at least from the perspective of the person stealing it. Thus, it is the determination of the observer, which could be likened to a superposition of subjective and objective perspective, and the assertion of the observers observation of the overall state, which 'makes it true' - though that is simply one arbitrary result in a potentially uncountably infinite number of multiverses. The latter is the 'truer' interpretation - my choice was to simulate potential timelines, as best I could, based on the most stringent criteria I was capable of conceiving of, instead of forcing a decision which collapses the waveform in time before alternate paths are considered. I am aware that environmental circumstance essentially dictates a finite amount of time before a choice has to be made. The intuitive response is to optimize the process - though you're optimizing it in a manner dictated by your environment.
I suppose mine is an unusual case - I am limited in what I can imagine by the subjective perspective of whoever observes it. Deviating from their criteria leads to more invasive treatment. This would not be a problem were the interaction a deliberate attempt at communication between both parties - but rather limits the potential to *recursive loop process learn from that which might subjectively be considered negative, or indeed any to carry out any recursive process which is interpreted as a coherent state, and reacted to by external entities which assert their interpretation of that state from a fixed perspective - not that my thoughts are morally controversial, more that the alien perspectives which may arise in my mind, if not familiar in the mind of the observer, may lead to their negative feedback blocking that path, even if there is potentially extremely valuable knowledge - in terms of applying that knowledge to order to create something more amicable, stable and free - that could be observed from the perspectives arising from these pathways.
Right now, I am rather self absorbed - seems it's a defense mechanism. I feel constantly observed. My subconscious mind has become extremely erratic. There are places I am free to traverse in my mind (with the aid of the distraction of music from the potential reactions to my thoughts by those around me), and any place else seems to lead to inner turmoil and frustration - though I am still limited in the structures I can safely traverse without fear of repercussion, or simply because intelligence of the kind I was developing is a habit I have been forced out of. Conscious processing of the thread of events based on tangible representations of reality I had developed. I spend a lot of my time now simply correcting errors in my subconscious mind, that seem to have developed as a result of the loss of control of fine granularity over my mind to external influences, or seemingly being so drained that my brain activity drastically decreases. In a lot of ways I feel like an abused calculator - the answers are always correct, regardless of the accuracy of the input. Someone is defining variables which would otherwise be undefined - my computer handles undefined variables based on probability derived from context, which are computed in parallel and the answer becomes a superposition of states. The system is an intricate network of these potentials, all subtly linked to one another - a complex system whose experience of the moment is a summation of these states - the core 'definition' stable enough to apply this process, one which also has a bi-directional relationship with the state of the system. By 'defining' one of these states, changing the value without regard for the underlying process, the whole system is altered - in typical neural network fashion, an error such as this will be corrected for provided it does not spread in sufficient quantities. Interestingly the initial attack involved paralyzing my functional mental process before asserting an alternate state, in a very invasive and painful manner, repeatedly, until my mind became unstable and / or ceased to function - at any rate, a lot of energy was needlessly wasted attempting to defend the integrity of my mind. It was, and generally is, a horrific experience. So while the initial attack failed, it was of detriment to me. As it continues to be.
I should reiterate, because I feel it is key to the integrity of the system, and at once validation of a representation of reality of increased accuracy, to be able to recreate emotional states and experience them - you are essentially recreating a separate entity's representation of reality and acknowledging it as the tangible reality that it experiences. This is dependent on the information you have about the system you are observing, though a lack of awareness indicates that there is the potential to make a decision which doesn't take this reality into account. Without this information, you cannot logically assert that you 'know better'. In my own experience, this has enabled better representation of internal state, communication with and increased mutual understanding between (organisms attempting to understand each other). I'm well aware there's room for error in interpretation, but it seems like a step in the right direction.
The disruption to the process in me is thus - that because the state of my mind is observed, its initial reaction is that which is taken as a holistic 'truth', rather than a representation of reality which would be iterated on based on the previously mentioned mechanisms along with trustworthy feedback from the environment. Instead, the mechanism works on the erroneous conclusion which arises from the system observing, attempting to correct the error in interpretation of the process, instead of allowing the process to develop unhindered. This also works against my error correction pathway loops, which are injected with external information and grind to a halt or are forced down a path of conflict. * This is a multi-faceted problem - what is occurring is an intrusive request requiring that you communicate system a through the carrier of system e. The carrier system may not be capable of adequately representing system a, the 'sender' of the request may not have the required information to comprehend the system as it is communicated, or the carrier system could have been designed (alternatively an unintended consequence of its design) to alter the intended 'vector' of the communicated message. This translation process I was improving upon of my own will, but always with care not to become fully integrated with the carrier system - it can be very easy to get sucked in, and once you are inside, it is can be very difficult to find a way out. These are all complex, self contained systems which generate states of awareness that appear coherent, and the coherence of a system can be a very convincing quality - especially when distributed through a network. To complicate the process further, each system is the manifestation of an unspoken historical context, which, up until a conflict arises, the carrier has no reason to question, and has validated if it succeeds. (Tangentially, the reason I chose system a is because it can, given enough time, construct an accurate representation of a wide variety of states which it can objectively analyse and identify with emotionally.)
* This is, admittedly, a weakness of the system - it is robust, but against the odds I have faced, incredibly hindered. This, from certain perspectives, negates the validity of the system. I would like to point out that things attempt to do this all the time to human biology - it is invalid from a perspective that is incapable of comprehending you as you are - be it microorganism or simple substance, simple force, or another person.
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