The disembodied ‘voices’ often claim “we nailed you”. (Note - this is starting to metamorphosize into “they hammered you”). This phrase seems to be mentioned on occasions where there is a distraction, a sound emanating from either the external environment, or generated internally, which leads to a synaptic pathway characterized by frustration and leads to looping attempts to free myself from its supposed intent. I’m successful a small percentage of the time - by finding a statement which nullifies their intent (I often have to guess at what pattern will postpone the attack, other times it’s relatively easily inferred). There have been times, however, where my thoughts have been bombarded with a barrage of negative responses such as ‘arrogant fool’, and variations on the theme. Throughout my life the pattern has been short sharp statements, all differing in content - ‘you’re not’ is one such example - but they all appear to be connected by the intent to paint the self as negative, however it is constructed at that point in time. With relatively little information about my own internal structure, at least without first accessing it, my guess is that they’re blanket statements, rather than targeting specific aspects of the self which cause dissonance between the subject and the observer. The intent appears to be forcing the subject to actively seek out negative traits in the self - at least, that’s been my response to it for a long time - however, the technique is flawed in that the perspective of the observer will always be subjective. A technique to gather information which may be relevant to the frame of reference to the observer does not necessarily imply that the frame of reference of the observer is valid within some overarching system.
Some odd phenomena occurring prior to the advent of this, and other events I haven’t previously outlined in detail.
After ingesting a large amount of THC (“the hypercube” is an affectionate nickname for it), and staying awake for a period greater than 48 hours, I lost control of my motor functions and started to black out. I collapsed against a radiator and struggled, for lack of a better description, to regain control of my motor functions, and stay alive. I have experienced panic attacks in the past - at times it has felt as if I were in the grip of death, but this, if it were one - seemed to have far more control over my nervous system than my previous experiences. I struggled for a period of about 5-10 minutes, sitting on the stairs in my hallway, before fighting my way downstairs. During this period, I experienced the presence of other organisms in a space which seemed to be juxtaposed with the realm of my physical environment - a presence in the darkness - whom I felt I could communicate with through thought. I made my way downstairs and, somehow, in the space previously mentioned, observed a dull light above my head, cylindrical, and stretching out across a horizontal axis - I felt it as a force, as well as observing it in space. At the time, my realization was that this was a place that could hold me, and the other beings in the space - although I realize that during this period I was not as capable as I have the potential to be for objective analysis.
Another experience, in what I recall to be the same time frame, occured when I was sitting in my room, also after the ingestion of THC. A large ball of light appeared in the space previously mentioned - I became aware that this was something akin to a chromosome, to DNA, travelling in time in the opposite direction on the axis (or conjunction of dimensions comprising an emergent axis), and that we had somehow met at precisely the right moment. Communication included the statements “you have perfect timing” and “it’s worth it for this moment”. As far as I can tell, there weren’t any other beings here - although I got the sense that the ‘chromosome’ was an amalgamation of many fragments.
My other memories of experiences here are fragmented - becoming aware of the weather and its connection to my experiences - someone mentioning “that will be the crown of thorns” - a number of people in an alternate dimension with which I’m partially entangled, somehow twisting my head around in that dimension - communication whose content was along the lines of “you are at the end of time” - a number of people who appeared to be angry with me for bringing them there (although I didn’t - that was never my intent, nor did my actions force them there), for reasons they were unwilling or unable to disclose - an attempt at manipulation, to control?
Conjecture - possible technology, either present and hidden from the public eye, or from the future, if projection into the past is possible.
During my period of recovery - the NDE and lack of sleep had damaged me physically - I experienced some odd events. I will not attempt to outline them in full. However, generally the experience was that of deep, ominous fear - my mind was racing and seemed to be connected with the outcome of everything around me. I spent around 2-3 days in a state of panic, as if thinking the wrong thing* could have negative consequences, and expended a great deal of energy simply avoiding those thoughts, trying to have conversations and finding a safer ‘internal environment’ to invest my mind in. As if my thoughts were holding the whole universe together.
Thinking the wrong thing - as consciousness has as yet not garnered itself a conscious definition, this could mean almost anything. Perhaps position and navigation in a space analogous to physical environment is a better definition. This lends itself to the idea that ‘mental illness’ is, while existing in a complex environment unique to the experiences and position of the individual in space, and in terms of the malleability of consciousness in both time and space, is something that could potentially exist well defined outside of a reductionist snapshot, based on an individuals position, of n-dimensional space. As I type this, I’m being harassed by people outside. They appear to be following a set pathway, of instructions, based upon their internal frame of reference - it allows them to make choices on the fly, as opposed to subjecting themselves to self reflection and internal verification, and they are trying to spread their definition by asserting it. The question of free will, determinism, and freedom to act are recurring concerns. It seems as though life is somewhat of an amalgamation of rigidity in terms of physical structure and freedom of movement. Complex biology seems to be iteration on rigidity until it becomes ‘dense’ enough to become its own environment, and therefore somewhat free from its own constraints.
I wonder how much they saw. The majority of my worries are centered around the idea that eyes other than mine, that perhaps weren’t as prepared, might have seen or experienced what I did. Ironically, another worry is that eyes which didn’t see might be intent on delving into that knowledge, unwittingly juxtaposed with it. As I outlined earlier, frame of reference plays an important role - as luck would have it, an internal structure somewhat removed from a social context works means my psyche is far more malleable, even with the knowledge that what keeps me held together in that state is my understanding of and willingness to empathise emotionally. I would imagine that a definition of self which has developed further on the principles of a social environment, thus becoming more interlinked with them, would be more fragile in that environment. That’s not to say that a definition of oneself in that context isn’t useful in understanding the events that occurred, or indeed necessary in order to remain relatively stable. There are times in that state where a lack of connection with other beings has been a source of sorrow and fragility, as opposed to strength.
The majority of emotional strain has emerged from seemingly playing the role of a mediator - in the depths of that state, perception is contradictory to not just the definition of self, but to understanding of the world and of place within it. Finding a route between them is incredibly difficult, for me, at least. What’s interesting is that the plausibility of my experiences seems to be somewhat validated by literature, film, music, art. Concepts, images, etc - some which I don’t recall ever coming into contact with previously - seem to mirror the experiences I’ve been having over the past few months. I try to stay as objective as possible - I do not believe in anything outright as a matter of principle, although I am not one to negate potential truths out of a lust for skepticism either. I’m simply aware of it as a possibility. My recent experiences fascinate and intrigue me, but it is as if \\\\\I hold a myriad of perspectives in my head, none of them absolute. In part, this is why the environment I currently reside in is so abrasive to me : the people around me occasionally attempt to deliberately manipulate me under false pretenses, by hinting at my place within an environment or hierarchy of their potentially subjective definition.
To be blunt, it’s tiring having to constantly negate these claims. In part, because I have done it so many times, in part because I feel my mental effort would be better expended elsewhere - it feels like a deliberate attempt to distract, to force feelings of frustration and isolation. I have learned to avoid pursuing goals which may take time and focus to develop because of the untemperable frustration these distractions lead to - the only way to avoid them, considering I’m actively sought out as a target for this treatment, would be to exit the environment which would make pursuing those goals worthwhile. Unfortunately, it appears recently some external entity has gained a modicum of control of my internal environment too, responding to my thoughts with negative statements. Buddhist philosophy often extols the virtues of letting go of attachments -
unfortunately I am as attached to my mind and certain elements of its internal structure as I am to my fingers and thumbs, thus I retain the qualities which appear to be the focus of attack (namely, certain areas of abstraction which would otherwise self regulate in a more efficient and all encompassing manner in terms of perspective).
Additionally, my internal environment seems to have been modified somewhat - whereas before, it was somewhat self correcting - the process of analysis and feedback within a timescale of my definition, with the ability to choose areas of focus, and the ability to pinpoint and rectify, based on core principles I had been refining, conflicts of context - I am now reluctantly faced with certain ‘truths’, or statements and states which are asserted at me, either externally or that have somehow been planted internally, about ‘the way things are’ from contextually prevalidated standpoints. In other words - “system M is true, and state N is true within the context of that system” - then, as an unspoken requirement, being asked to validate, rectify or otherwise correct the potential futures and potential actions which led to the assertion of the assessment, from a perspective of unknown origin, of the state and system it implies. It is difficult to remove oneself from that web when your environment is constantly validating it. A struggle I know all too well.
System. State. Action. Emotion.
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