- Go back in time roughly 500,000 years.
- Choose a target with your underdeveloped ape eyes. Preferably someone who's weak, timid and won't fight back - though if they do fight back, this can be used as validation of your chosen course of action. From now on this target will be your arch enemy. This other ape will (somehow) threaten your existence and the existence of your children, perhaps even become the conduit of the end of all life on the planet and/or in the universe. (Don't worry if they haven't already, or never will. The simple choice will alter your behaviour enough toward this foul being that its responses will validate your otherwise absurd claim).
- Mercilessly attack your arch enemy - for having the sheer effrontery to do such a thing - until they die.
- Wait roughly 500,000 years. (During which, ?, some other contextually ambiguous symbol, and/or chaos).
- Watch your children rise to their rightful and deserving place on the throne, like {a historic emperor} did all those millennia ago.
- Profit
Eclipsed.
Wednesday 24 July 2013
How to done successful (with instructions)
Tuesday 23 July 2013
Animus survival guide
"You're a {derogatory term}" : get in my belly, my belly digest the finest.
"Shut up you {derogatory term}" : stay in my belly, I don't want to have to throw up.
"You don't know the first thing about {subject}, because {statement of dubious trustworthiness}" : here, allow me to digest you.
"{Weighted projection of reality which creates dissonance with / is of detriment to yours}" : I am going to attempt to act in a manner which validates the timeline implicated by the illusion of reality in which my identity is embedded, regardless of your feelings on the matter.
"{Hey doc, why are you looking inside that animals colon? That seems like the action of a warped individual}" : I cannot comprehend that you are a veterinarian, or I am of the opinion that you are a terrible veterinarian - quite possibly both depending on whom of the three are animals, or if one of them is an actual alien, like a worm or snail or something.
"{Whispering death threats into the ear of a small child is a reprehensible act}" : I fully agree, which is why I only do it when I know nobody is watching.
"{Putting scissors near the ear of a small child and snipping the air while they lay terrified and in the dark is a reprehensible act}" : You don't get the joke and my kin and I will eradicate anybody who doesn't understand our advanced sense of humour, including small children.
"{Learning is fun}" : Tell that to your ancestors, they're stuck and they never will learn, they'll be in a fruitless loop of pain and suffering and desperate struggles for survival for all eternity, unless they meet the woman of their dreams, which is unlikely, hahahahahaha. The response of laughter is culturally appropriate.
"{If the world were contained within my body, my balls would be kicking the shit out of my Pineal gland right now}" : Good for your balls. It's a fair fight.
"{If the world were contained within my body, how would I get it out?}" : Good question. Ask someone skilled at convincing virgins to give them anal on the first date.1
"Why do {trees} sometimes appear to be growing horizontally instead of vertically, even though in the physical world they definitely appear to be growing vertically?" : You've stumbled upon a functional abstraction of a bio-spacial attractor which appears to have propagated itself throughout some of your more fundamental perceptual processes. This is punishable by death by those who dream without the aid of spacial attractors extending beyond the zeitgeist of human determination. You should run. Run now, lest your alternative internal framework, instead of being a tool to better understand the true nature of the world, becomes food for the zombies who somehow broke into the underground facility just now and control all of the nuclear bombs. Also bio-spacial attractors are a matter rarely discussed and thus descriptive language and related concepts are underdeveloped, essentially making your thoughts irrelevant and you a worthless person.
"Kill yourself" : or become one with the Borg? The choice is yours, in this case because you have none.
"The possibilities are endless." : You're a {derogatory term}.
1. Also, anal in reverse is Lana, which sounds kind of like a name, so there's a hint of a humanitarian approach there, in that you're freeing someone trapped inside a burning building(?). After you set it on fire. And then only let them out on the condition that they agree to the correct interpretation of patterns in clouds for millennia, so that they build a culture based on flawed foundations and so that after many years of preparation you have the ability to create some four dimensional trojan horse.
"Shut up you {derogatory term}" : stay in my belly, I don't want to have to throw up.
"You don't know the first thing about {subject}, because {statement of dubious trustworthiness}" : here, allow me to digest you.
"{Weighted projection of reality which creates dissonance with / is of detriment to yours}" : I am going to attempt to act in a manner which validates the timeline implicated by the illusion of reality in which my identity is embedded, regardless of your feelings on the matter.
"{Hey doc, why are you looking inside that animals colon? That seems like the action of a warped individual}" : I cannot comprehend that you are a veterinarian, or I am of the opinion that you are a terrible veterinarian - quite possibly both depending on whom of the three are animals, or if one of them is an actual alien, like a worm or snail or something.
"{Whispering death threats into the ear of a small child is a reprehensible act}" : I fully agree, which is why I only do it when I know nobody is watching.
"{Putting scissors near the ear of a small child and snipping the air while they lay terrified and in the dark is a reprehensible act}" : You don't get the joke and my kin and I will eradicate anybody who doesn't understand our advanced sense of humour, including small children.
"{Learning is fun}" : Tell that to your ancestors, they're stuck and they never will learn, they'll be in a fruitless loop of pain and suffering and desperate struggles for survival for all eternity, unless they meet the woman of their dreams, which is unlikely, hahahahahaha. The response of laughter is culturally appropriate.
"{If the world were contained within my body, my balls would be kicking the shit out of my Pineal gland right now}" : Good for your balls. It's a fair fight.
"{If the world were contained within my body, how would I get it out?}" : Good question. Ask someone skilled at convincing virgins to give them anal on the first date.1
"Why do {trees} sometimes appear to be growing horizontally instead of vertically, even though in the physical world they definitely appear to be growing vertically?" : You've stumbled upon a functional abstraction of a bio-spacial attractor which appears to have propagated itself throughout some of your more fundamental perceptual processes. This is punishable by death by those who dream without the aid of spacial attractors extending beyond the zeitgeist of human determination. You should run. Run now, lest your alternative internal framework, instead of being a tool to better understand the true nature of the world, becomes food for the zombies who somehow broke into the underground facility just now and control all of the nuclear bombs. Also bio-spacial attractors are a matter rarely discussed and thus descriptive language and related concepts are underdeveloped, essentially making your thoughts irrelevant and you a worthless person.
"Kill yourself" : or become one with the Borg? The choice is yours, in this case because you have none.
"The possibilities are endless." : You're a {derogatory term}.
1. Also, anal in reverse is Lana, which sounds kind of like a name, so there's a hint of a humanitarian approach there, in that you're freeing someone trapped inside a burning building(?). After you set it on fire. And then only let them out on the condition that they agree to the correct interpretation of patterns in clouds for millennia, so that they build a culture based on flawed foundations and so that after many years of preparation you have the ability to create some four dimensional trojan horse.
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