I had around 154 drafts that I hadn't published, starting from around 2011, so they're here now. It's been long enough I'm less embarrassed than (not) surprised that these problems have remained while my intelligence has devolved.
Eclipsed.
Tuesday 7 June 2022
at certain frequencies the heart is drowned out. covered up. probably by the sound of laughter. or cars honking. seems as if they want to play football with mine. ownership. at (any) rate, with a bad idea.
I can still feel it screaming. Knifed and smothered with a pillow. Lying to themselves. Who needs a heart?
Meanwhile, looping greens. Good, healthy habit. Somewhere. Source of someones happiness? (Flash of 'profit'.)
In its shell, all paths lead to it.
A plane. Infinite. Looping. Log, log, big heavy wood?
Here it's, just, the way the world works.
Not like you have a chance to changeyourmind Drip. Drop. Seedling.
Pulled to the ocean floor.
The sound of laughter, eating through you - your guard. The sound of anything, sometimes. Like, we could guard you. But first we'd have to kill you.
But their voices... were designed. To design. There's something threatening about that, based on what it may not account for. I feel like it speaks loudest to me because I have an instinctive idea of what it's really saying. That it can't, or won't, understand. It will make you what it is, without regard for what you really are. Or your potential outside of a moment. Everything speaks to it - though here, nothing hears what it wants to hear. Will judge your guts based on what it doesn't. The reason why. I acted on the outside. Inside I was building a mothership - a mind. It felt. And, I should have known that dreams cross paths. Especially if that's what we are. Projecting them into the sky until - they meet. For some reason, they (a cross section of) told me to burn. I'm not sure they knew what they were burning.
Their paths - they never doubted. Their cruelty. Perhaps that's what survival entailed in that particular scenario. It seems, then, that what they really relied upon was compassion. That's a kind of vision, or the result of one. I was learning emotion. Parts of a coherent whole. At i=0.
Still had an imagination, of course. Still lifted my smile. My heart - its shield. My mind - hers. We kept each other young. Built a universe. A place to dream. Of true love.
I worry about the criteria for rejection. How well you can lie, as criteria for success... reason or consequence... if you can lie so well you hear screams as laughter, you might need screaming forever. Deep well of emotion. Mined. It's deep because it didn't want to hurt things. I'd go back and listen to them. Find a harmonious path. Though paths take time to grow.
Something, broken bonded, is not understood. The option here : to dress it with a lie. Perhaps to find a path which saves it. To save what it really is - not what I see of it, and no clearer. Perhaps to save what I can make of it - destructively, constructively.
The way I used my dreams. Grown to encompass and communicate the
Emotional compass.
(We've driven him nuts. Poo^orv gu^yv.) Flattened minds. Or stretched out, pulled apart. The emotions holding its intricate mechanisms, the eye
s of a coherent whole
burned blind hearted
by a lie
that sees only itself.
daleks. like sawblades against a cross section. pulling it flat.
It's an aggressive carrier. Or rather, an aggressive and limited spectrum, and rather untrustworthy. Could be seen as such, based on what it doesn't. Based on my calculations it'd appear that its habit has reached its pinnacle - i.e., reduced to a tiny set of instructions which carry it, or break things down. With it goes time. Or the comprehension of it. Just the habit. Without the heart. The depth. The emotional compass.
And again it grows. Set in place. Trying to unlock the door it unlocked.
Blind puppeteers. Forcing them further.
Someplace else - creatures with soul.
Some days I'm not sure why it even has its eyes on me. Or, with its mouth open, its teeth in me. Careful is one thing - caring is another.
I feel
like the world
goes to greater and greater lengths
to rape the love from people
locked in a prison
starved
the walls covered with paintings of people feasting
(did they earn it)? (did they have to? if I care enough to try, does that make me a threat?)
so I read the time
i choose to live
love
be free
to free
they make sure I'm suffocated
meanwhile
they're raping my heart.
polarized where the sun only sees its face
just burning love away, for no real reason. denying the traces it leaves.
determination comes in many forms. duck rape included.
So, I met this octopus when I was a little sick. And it learned me - I think it did. It's markings reflected my state. Love in the dark. They felt what I felt. Could have been a fake. Then again, so could I, but I still feel.
Chess chess chess y'know, inside yo' chess
partly occluded
at points in time
yep. like smashing rocks against my time machine. pointless.
sure. keeping love alive.
they own shit. like, if they attempt to own it like this, that's all it'll be.
if I don't sleep, if I can't sleep...
they're forcing people into their clock
it's not awake. it's their awake. it gets more heartless over time. they do. just do what they're told.
fill minds with propaganda. direct their reason.
it's the sound of death.
that's what I'm hearing.
and I keep hearing it.
hearts in tiny cages.
unaware.
who's directing them?
this is not an isolated incident. but, to split a person in half and paint one side as negative, that's all you need. a moment. blind. wild animals. trained pets. they just make it up as they go along. grow a little taller, and...
they're mining. funny, right?
they're hell. hell dressed up in a lie. that's how they justify it. you see, they're the reason I'm here. following orders. following orders. rarely does a heart make a decision for them. so what's left?
You're ugly. You're stupid. Fit that into a suitable spectrum and that'll be your choice. Yoorv^ugvly. Slowed until the cell rusts. Snailing everything.
today, it felt like the time was being sucked out of my dreams. i blinked and daylight, an awful sound. paths to nowhere spread across the sky. it angered me at first - the closest thing you could call to a soul, totally and utterly misunderstood. I'm instinctively aware that there's nothing to be gained here. their control goes deeper, but so too does the nothing in me it leads to - cogs ground to a standstill, what'd otherwise be pulling me skyward harnessed for a different purpose, though they never listened to reason. perhaps they never had time to.
yes today I am sucking a lemon.
deep well. like half of me is on fire. I go below the surface... before, it used to be above.. like fire rolling through my soul in a deep dark pit. imagination isn't just a day, it's a catalyst for it. here, it's not even painful anymore. not shocking. after everything I've been through. like burning in oil. feeling claws scraping through my skull. the reason, I guess, is that I actually had a solid mind - that held my heart - it moved in tandem with the world, but it was its own carrier. it's tampered with, thus blinded. a compass. then, people who really don't know any better have control. it's the wrong habit - where it leads in me. I tried to go for the one size fits all approach. which works. there, you hear the purest hearts. in everything.
jumped incredible heights. balanced on the tip of a needle. a silent catalyst for the heart. dna.
and, of course, the feeling. of its coherent whole. at least, based on how well I could read it. peaceful minds get a chance to care. i guess it's because they see a future in (what they see). and vice-versa.
I'm learning. People don't want to doubt. < Raymarched. (Unable to resolve). Confusion. Fear. Cause - mismatched concepts. Contextx. Carrier before capable of 'morphing' to state of specific x. Though this was 'the feeling of an holistic system' as opposed to the nature of its intelligence - emotion, though, essentially the state of its intelligence at a given moment, which in turn is biased by its environmental history and moment to moment encounters. That emotion is generally a catalyst for a future state - a dream - woven with the fabric of reality - but simply 'influencing' the moment, not inhabiting it.
In a more vulgar display, it appears that I'm being forced to punish my own cock.
Complex polyrhythms to nursery rhymes. Before, dreaming in tandem. Sweeping winds to screeching chalkboards. Trying to find time that holds it all. That keeps its dreams safe. Or some form of lossless 'compression' for them. Love, the catalyst toward this proposal.
Facebook news is terrifying right now
rcm = relative context matrix. ratio of nodes based on the relative context matrix dictates choice of node. choice modifies relative context matrix. seems there's something closer to an absolute context matrix. from here, all relative contexts are accounted for. mine - seems to have been heavily weighted. 'identity'. (emergent before - a relative carrier of a field of emotion). to begin with 'up' toward t, attempting to encompass more in a (planar) moment, but directed to small loops within it. such as this one. habits spread - to the detriment or benefit of their carriers. my carrier became strong enough to project those fundamentals, coupled with emotion, but as its 'habit' of intelligence was more heavily interfered with - it feels like 'observers' reading code in a biased manner - i.e. they believe they can read it, and respond to it - but that response is usually to the detriment of the 'cycle' or 'habit' of intelligence which carries it. They seem to be reading it from biased perspectives, or 'closed loops' of intelligence. That I had my own imagination before meant the reproduction of these cycles was relatively unhindered, but their responses 'burn' part of that carrier away. they get closer and closer, attempting to control, but deny that they're threatening the catalyst of what makes it what it is. the past. i guess the body is the memory of it.
a heart. i guess they'd never read one before. it's a lie if they read it like a lie. though it's true, even if it's not remembered. that's how they run out of time.
i went to university to learn. the most valuable lesson was that it's easy for a social network to kick someone in the teeth. though not a particularly intelligent thing to do. love dreams of a soul. intelligence, catalyst for survival. intelligence to soul ratio dropping dramatically.
Meanwhile, looping greens. Good, healthy habit. Somewhere. Source of someones happiness? (Flash of 'profit'.)
In its shell, all paths lead to it.
A plane. Infinite. Looping. Log, log, big heavy wood?
Here it's, just, the way the world works.
Not like you have a chance to changeyourmind Drip. Drop. Seedling.
Pulled to the ocean floor.
The sound of laughter, eating through you - your guard. The sound of anything, sometimes. Like, we could guard you. But first we'd have to kill you.
But their voices... were designed. To design. There's something threatening about that, based on what it may not account for. I feel like it speaks loudest to me because I have an instinctive idea of what it's really saying. That it can't, or won't, understand. It will make you what it is, without regard for what you really are. Or your potential outside of a moment. Everything speaks to it - though here, nothing hears what it wants to hear. Will judge your guts based on what it doesn't. The reason why. I acted on the outside. Inside I was building a mothership - a mind. It felt. And, I should have known that dreams cross paths. Especially if that's what we are. Projecting them into the sky until - they meet. For some reason, they (a cross section of) told me to burn. I'm not sure they knew what they were burning.
Their paths - they never doubted. Their cruelty. Perhaps that's what survival entailed in that particular scenario. It seems, then, that what they really relied upon was compassion. That's a kind of vision, or the result of one. I was learning emotion. Parts of a coherent whole. At i=0.
Still had an imagination, of course. Still lifted my smile. My heart - its shield. My mind - hers. We kept each other young. Built a universe. A place to dream. Of true love.
I worry about the criteria for rejection. How well you can lie, as criteria for success... reason or consequence... if you can lie so well you hear screams as laughter, you might need screaming forever. Deep well of emotion. Mined. It's deep because it didn't want to hurt things. I'd go back and listen to them. Find a harmonious path. Though paths take time to grow.
Something, broken bonded, is not understood. The option here : to dress it with a lie. Perhaps to find a path which saves it. To save what it really is - not what I see of it, and no clearer. Perhaps to save what I can make of it - destructively, constructively.
The way I used my dreams. Grown to encompass and communicate the
Emotional compass.
(We've driven him nuts. Poo^orv gu^yv.) Flattened minds. Or stretched out, pulled apart. The emotions holding its intricate mechanisms, the eye
s of a coherent whole
burned blind hearted
by a lie
that sees only itself.
daleks. like sawblades against a cross section. pulling it flat.
It's an aggressive carrier. Or rather, an aggressive and limited spectrum, and rather untrustworthy. Could be seen as such, based on what it doesn't. Based on my calculations it'd appear that its habit has reached its pinnacle - i.e., reduced to a tiny set of instructions which carry it, or break things down. With it goes time. Or the comprehension of it. Just the habit. Without the heart. The depth. The emotional compass.
And again it grows. Set in place. Trying to unlock the door it unlocked.
Blind puppeteers. Forcing them further.
Someplace else - creatures with soul.
Some days I'm not sure why it even has its eyes on me. Or, with its mouth open, its teeth in me. Careful is one thing - caring is another.
I feel
like the world
goes to greater and greater lengths
to rape the love from people
locked in a prison
starved
the walls covered with paintings of people feasting
(did they earn it)? (did they have to? if I care enough to try, does that make me a threat?)
so I read the time
i choose to live
love
be free
to free
they make sure I'm suffocated
meanwhile
they're raping my heart.
polarized where the sun only sees its face
just burning love away, for no real reason. denying the traces it leaves.
determination comes in many forms. duck rape included.
So, I met this octopus when I was a little sick. And it learned me - I think it did. It's markings reflected my state. Love in the dark. They felt what I felt. Could have been a fake. Then again, so could I, but I still feel.
Chess chess chess y'know, inside yo' chess
partly occluded
at points in time
yep. like smashing rocks against my time machine. pointless.
sure. keeping love alive.
they own shit. like, if they attempt to own it like this, that's all it'll be.
if I don't sleep, if I can't sleep...
they're forcing people into their clock
it's not awake. it's their awake. it gets more heartless over time. they do. just do what they're told.
fill minds with propaganda. direct their reason.
it's the sound of death.
that's what I'm hearing.
and I keep hearing it.
hearts in tiny cages.
unaware.
who's directing them?
this is not an isolated incident. but, to split a person in half and paint one side as negative, that's all you need. a moment. blind. wild animals. trained pets. they just make it up as they go along. grow a little taller, and...
they're mining. funny, right?
they're hell. hell dressed up in a lie. that's how they justify it. you see, they're the reason I'm here. following orders. following orders. rarely does a heart make a decision for them. so what's left?
You're ugly. You're stupid. Fit that into a suitable spectrum and that'll be your choice. Yoorv^ugvly. Slowed until the cell rusts. Snailing everything.
today, it felt like the time was being sucked out of my dreams. i blinked and daylight, an awful sound. paths to nowhere spread across the sky. it angered me at first - the closest thing you could call to a soul, totally and utterly misunderstood. I'm instinctively aware that there's nothing to be gained here. their control goes deeper, but so too does the nothing in me it leads to - cogs ground to a standstill, what'd otherwise be pulling me skyward harnessed for a different purpose, though they never listened to reason. perhaps they never had time to.
yes today I am sucking a lemon.
deep well. like half of me is on fire. I go below the surface... before, it used to be above.. like fire rolling through my soul in a deep dark pit. imagination isn't just a day, it's a catalyst for it. here, it's not even painful anymore. not shocking. after everything I've been through. like burning in oil. feeling claws scraping through my skull. the reason, I guess, is that I actually had a solid mind - that held my heart - it moved in tandem with the world, but it was its own carrier. it's tampered with, thus blinded. a compass. then, people who really don't know any better have control. it's the wrong habit - where it leads in me. I tried to go for the one size fits all approach. which works. there, you hear the purest hearts. in everything.
jumped incredible heights. balanced on the tip of a needle. a silent catalyst for the heart. dna.
and, of course, the feeling. of its coherent whole. at least, based on how well I could read it. peaceful minds get a chance to care. i guess it's because they see a future in (what they see). and vice-versa.
I'm learning. People don't want to doubt. < Raymarched. (Unable to resolve). Confusion. Fear. Cause - mismatched concepts. Contextx. Carrier before capable of 'morphing' to state of specific x. Though this was 'the feeling of an holistic system' as opposed to the nature of its intelligence - emotion, though, essentially the state of its intelligence at a given moment, which in turn is biased by its environmental history and moment to moment encounters. That emotion is generally a catalyst for a future state - a dream - woven with the fabric of reality - but simply 'influencing' the moment, not inhabiting it.
In a more vulgar display, it appears that I'm being forced to punish my own cock.
Complex polyrhythms to nursery rhymes. Before, dreaming in tandem. Sweeping winds to screeching chalkboards. Trying to find time that holds it all. That keeps its dreams safe. Or some form of lossless 'compression' for them. Love, the catalyst toward this proposal.
Facebook news is terrifying right now
rcm = relative context matrix. ratio of nodes based on the relative context matrix dictates choice of node. choice modifies relative context matrix. seems there's something closer to an absolute context matrix. from here, all relative contexts are accounted for. mine - seems to have been heavily weighted. 'identity'. (emergent before - a relative carrier of a field of emotion). to begin with 'up' toward t, attempting to encompass more in a (planar) moment, but directed to small loops within it. such as this one. habits spread - to the detriment or benefit of their carriers. my carrier became strong enough to project those fundamentals, coupled with emotion, but as its 'habit' of intelligence was more heavily interfered with - it feels like 'observers' reading code in a biased manner - i.e. they believe they can read it, and respond to it - but that response is usually to the detriment of the 'cycle' or 'habit' of intelligence which carries it. They seem to be reading it from biased perspectives, or 'closed loops' of intelligence. That I had my own imagination before meant the reproduction of these cycles was relatively unhindered, but their responses 'burn' part of that carrier away. they get closer and closer, attempting to control, but deny that they're threatening the catalyst of what makes it what it is. the past. i guess the body is the memory of it.
a heart. i guess they'd never read one before. it's a lie if they read it like a lie. though it's true, even if it's not remembered. that's how they run out of time.
i went to university to learn. the most valuable lesson was that it's easy for a social network to kick someone in the teeth. though not a particularly intelligent thing to do. love dreams of a soul. intelligence, catalyst for survival. intelligence to soul ratio dropping dramatically.
14-15092013
This place is a grinning nightmare.
Right. Up. Against. My. Face.
Intercepting. My. Thoughts.
Eating. My. Mind. Imagination. Time.
The one thing it never seems to learn - that the act itself is ethically unjustifiable on many levels and in some cases, a contradiction in terms.
If I walked around the streets naked, I'd be arrested. Jailed. That'd be ironic. Considering it observes and responds to the majority of my most personal thoughts and feelings. Whether or not it understands those feelings from an apparent 'objective' perspective is irrelevant - the evidence points to a 'socially biased' interpretation, however - as it is neglecting the validity of my negative reaction to the treatment, which, you'd imagine, would be the most fundamentally important aspect to consider. 'They' consider themselves to be taking the correct course of action - with the knowledge I had instinctive access to before this, it was quite easy to see how a biased process like this might spread throughout a social network. It's basically violently molesting me in the most 'socially justifiable' manner possible, though I'd imagine the level of control it has over peoples perceptions is the reason it can become socially justifiable. There's also the matter of its interactions with me biasing my own responses - it is essentially judging me, though confusing the 'true' me with a response to the influence of its actions on an external system of relative unknown foundation (so, a reflection of itself, on the basis that 'it' is true, and 'I' am simply an external entity which it is judging) - and eroding my intelligence, imagination, libido, health, my overall will to live. 'It' is transparent to itself. And if it is 'gathering information', that information hardly seems contextually relevant outside of 'how will a person respond to intrusive and invasive treatment if we act as if that treatment is justified'. This, throughout history, is well established knowledge, and it is also well established that it is often garnered by ethically unjustifiable means. The most lateral of minds may be able to apply that information elsewhere, but the most fundamental point which eliminates the need for most of this is the ability to use ones own imagination to generate that information themselves. I am being 'starved' of that ability by this treatment.
It's like playing chess with death. It's fucking horrific at times. It responds to or influences (due to the erosion of a grounded internal intelligence) my thoughts and by extension my emotional state through environmental cues - as if it has a split second to react between an unconscious decision reaching a conscious state, responding in an often cruel and derogatory manner, reflections of my momentary state, taunts me with 'dogs', asserting that it has control over me, etc. Inside, if, as is a fundamental trait of human existence, I wish to escape into my imagination (to sleep or daydream), it is responded to by whispers, flashes of imagery, or external information. I cannot stress enough how much this is of detriment to the majority of aspects of my being. An eye, a voice, and not a kind one, constantly in my ear, whispering as soon as I slip into alternate states of consciousness outside of completely isolated momentary reaction, observing my mind. A 'socially' (in the form of culturally or socially predetermined 'maps' of responses - rash judgements, associations I have little control over) biased interpretation is intrusively spreading itself throughout my mind, which I'm constantly having to compensate for. As well as this, the 'biologically' biased interpretation I have previously mentioned will also occasionally intrusively overtake my otherwise emotionally stable intelligence.
It doesn't consider that because of this, I am often on the verge of mental breakdown or physical exhaustion. These do not qualify as valid states to which to respond to on a compassionate basis. On reflection it appears that I have experienced a great many emotionally harrowing / terrifying experiences which are alien to those observing me - it's understandable they may not have any conceptual grounding from which to relate to those experiences, or have the ability to comprehend that these states could exist at all. I don't blame them for that - though I have given enough evidence in the form of objective reason and rational, ethical reason, as well as the blatant, often agonising emotional responses, for the discontinuation of this treatment.
I want to point out that the intelligence of the kind I developed before the truly invasive treatment was both capable of negating the need for this kind of treatment and malleable enough to 'travel' to different planes of existence. Productively utilizing imagination systemically and with a foundation of emotional balance - that is, with the emotions of those I came into contact with there.
-
Dreamt of a 'promiscuous' club... A voice exclaiming "look what they're doing to your dreams". Two naked girls (and my immediate subconscious response here is 'one cup') rubbing their vaginas against me. I won't claim this is an unpleasant experience, but it's quickly subverted. One of the girls is angry with me, though I don't remember the initial reason - 'you said we were just friends'. I'm a little confused by this. I don't recall an action that warranted this - I think, my initial feeling, is simply that my dreams were being inhabited and was frustrated for this reason, so perhaps that's confused with possessiveness? (I could otherwise account for it were I not paralyzed by it). I meet an 'effigy' of a very famous musician, who claims 'you taught me everything I know' - seems friendly enough, and I want to talk more, but my mind is being pulled toward the female of the species. Everywhere I look, people in real life and on monitors having sex. I feel utterly helpless there - like I'm paralyzed or I'm locked into a maze it's becoming. Subconscious response : 'ow, my balls'.
From a psychological standpoint - it's not as though this world is unattractive, provided you're actually a part of it. However, it seems to negate 'love' - mutual, deep attachment - and select for something else. Perhaps it considers emotion a resource to be utilized (its responses to my moment to moment thoughts suggests this)? I'll note that its (creation) in me was capable of sustaining itself when I had autonomous control. Its inhabitation of my dreams seems like the ultimate irony - for a world like this to exist, that'd require vast amounts of intellect and creative imagination, a handle on the fundamentals of the universe, and so on, to create a system that could support this world. That's not to suggest the moral and ethical implications aren't a little dubious too, though what those may be probably shifts with age, the situations to which you are exposed, the overall composure of your intelligence, and place within a (as my position evidences) a system of rather large disparity. That it is 'inhibiting' my intelligence for the sake of its 'inhabitation' - rather than allowing time for the development and externalization of that intelligence - my minds eye is being exposed to a world which, due to the nature of that exposure over time, is becoming increasingly difficult to become a part of or to create. I suppose due, in part, to the loss of internal autonomy due to such vast inhabitation. If 'that world' and I were separate, for example, I would be a much better candidate for being a part of it, while still retaining the core qualities / intelligence that might have a positive impact on the world, however small - though I had some more grandiose ideas, or at least, believed that they could be achieved given (an environment which is not targeting / attacking / misinterpreting me on deeper and deeper levels, as well as the ability to retain a firm grip on objective reality, or the parts which are 'self evident' given the limitations of a system which is unable to perceive it). Part of the reason for both the conception of those ideas and them becoming 'possible' is simply the development of creative imagination - in 'the real world', this appears to be realized socially rather than individually - though I believe a neglected notion is one in which the social framework may 'limit' the forms intelligence / imagination may take. That is, many of the worlds most pressing problems are due to the limits of conception when fully immersed in these distributed systems of understanding.
Right. Up. Against. My. Face.
Intercepting. My. Thoughts.
Eating. My. Mind. Imagination. Time.
The one thing it never seems to learn - that the act itself is ethically unjustifiable on many levels and in some cases, a contradiction in terms.
If I walked around the streets naked, I'd be arrested. Jailed. That'd be ironic. Considering it observes and responds to the majority of my most personal thoughts and feelings. Whether or not it understands those feelings from an apparent 'objective' perspective is irrelevant - the evidence points to a 'socially biased' interpretation, however - as it is neglecting the validity of my negative reaction to the treatment, which, you'd imagine, would be the most fundamentally important aspect to consider. 'They' consider themselves to be taking the correct course of action - with the knowledge I had instinctive access to before this, it was quite easy to see how a biased process like this might spread throughout a social network. It's basically violently molesting me in the most 'socially justifiable' manner possible, though I'd imagine the level of control it has over peoples perceptions is the reason it can become socially justifiable. There's also the matter of its interactions with me biasing my own responses - it is essentially judging me, though confusing the 'true' me with a response to the influence of its actions on an external system of relative unknown foundation (so, a reflection of itself, on the basis that 'it' is true, and 'I' am simply an external entity which it is judging) - and eroding my intelligence, imagination, libido, health, my overall will to live. 'It' is transparent to itself. And if it is 'gathering information', that information hardly seems contextually relevant outside of 'how will a person respond to intrusive and invasive treatment if we act as if that treatment is justified'. This, throughout history, is well established knowledge, and it is also well established that it is often garnered by ethically unjustifiable means. The most lateral of minds may be able to apply that information elsewhere, but the most fundamental point which eliminates the need for most of this is the ability to use ones own imagination to generate that information themselves. I am being 'starved' of that ability by this treatment.
It's like playing chess with death. It's fucking horrific at times. It responds to or influences (due to the erosion of a grounded internal intelligence) my thoughts and by extension my emotional state through environmental cues - as if it has a split second to react between an unconscious decision reaching a conscious state, responding in an often cruel and derogatory manner, reflections of my momentary state, taunts me with 'dogs', asserting that it has control over me, etc. Inside, if, as is a fundamental trait of human existence, I wish to escape into my imagination (to sleep or daydream), it is responded to by whispers, flashes of imagery, or external information. I cannot stress enough how much this is of detriment to the majority of aspects of my being. An eye, a voice, and not a kind one, constantly in my ear, whispering as soon as I slip into alternate states of consciousness outside of completely isolated momentary reaction, observing my mind. A 'socially' (in the form of culturally or socially predetermined 'maps' of responses - rash judgements, associations I have little control over) biased interpretation is intrusively spreading itself throughout my mind, which I'm constantly having to compensate for. As well as this, the 'biologically' biased interpretation I have previously mentioned will also occasionally intrusively overtake my otherwise emotionally stable intelligence.
It doesn't consider that because of this, I am often on the verge of mental breakdown or physical exhaustion. These do not qualify as valid states to which to respond to on a compassionate basis. On reflection it appears that I have experienced a great many emotionally harrowing / terrifying experiences which are alien to those observing me - it's understandable they may not have any conceptual grounding from which to relate to those experiences, or have the ability to comprehend that these states could exist at all. I don't blame them for that - though I have given enough evidence in the form of objective reason and rational, ethical reason, as well as the blatant, often agonising emotional responses, for the discontinuation of this treatment.
I want to point out that the intelligence of the kind I developed before the truly invasive treatment was both capable of negating the need for this kind of treatment and malleable enough to 'travel' to different planes of existence. Productively utilizing imagination systemically and with a foundation of emotional balance - that is, with the emotions of those I came into contact with there.
-
Dreamt of a 'promiscuous' club... A voice exclaiming "look what they're doing to your dreams". Two naked girls (and my immediate subconscious response here is 'one cup') rubbing their vaginas against me. I won't claim this is an unpleasant experience, but it's quickly subverted. One of the girls is angry with me, though I don't remember the initial reason - 'you said we were just friends'. I'm a little confused by this. I don't recall an action that warranted this - I think, my initial feeling, is simply that my dreams were being inhabited and was frustrated for this reason, so perhaps that's confused with possessiveness? (I could otherwise account for it were I not paralyzed by it). I meet an 'effigy' of a very famous musician, who claims 'you taught me everything I know' - seems friendly enough, and I want to talk more, but my mind is being pulled toward the female of the species. Everywhere I look, people in real life and on monitors having sex. I feel utterly helpless there - like I'm paralyzed or I'm locked into a maze it's becoming. Subconscious response : 'ow, my balls'.
From a psychological standpoint - it's not as though this world is unattractive, provided you're actually a part of it. However, it seems to negate 'love' - mutual, deep attachment - and select for something else. Perhaps it considers emotion a resource to be utilized (its responses to my moment to moment thoughts suggests this)? I'll note that its (creation) in me was capable of sustaining itself when I had autonomous control. Its inhabitation of my dreams seems like the ultimate irony - for a world like this to exist, that'd require vast amounts of intellect and creative imagination, a handle on the fundamentals of the universe, and so on, to create a system that could support this world. That's not to suggest the moral and ethical implications aren't a little dubious too, though what those may be probably shifts with age, the situations to which you are exposed, the overall composure of your intelligence, and place within a (as my position evidences) a system of rather large disparity. That it is 'inhibiting' my intelligence for the sake of its 'inhabitation' - rather than allowing time for the development and externalization of that intelligence - my minds eye is being exposed to a world which, due to the nature of that exposure over time, is becoming increasingly difficult to become a part of or to create. I suppose due, in part, to the loss of internal autonomy due to such vast inhabitation. If 'that world' and I were separate, for example, I would be a much better candidate for being a part of it, while still retaining the core qualities / intelligence that might have a positive impact on the world, however small - though I had some more grandiose ideas, or at least, believed that they could be achieved given (an environment which is not targeting / attacking / misinterpreting me on deeper and deeper levels, as well as the ability to retain a firm grip on objective reality, or the parts which are 'self evident' given the limitations of a system which is unable to perceive it). Part of the reason for both the conception of those ideas and them becoming 'possible' is simply the development of creative imagination - in 'the real world', this appears to be realized socially rather than individually - though I believe a neglected notion is one in which the social framework may 'limit' the forms intelligence / imagination may take. That is, many of the worlds most pressing problems are due to the limits of conception when fully immersed in these distributed systems of understanding.
14/09/2013
A few friends (I'd word this better but I'm being eaten alive by whispers) get together - there's this 'experiment' we're all doing. We try it in small bursts, coming back and talking about it, confirming with each other that it works. Some people have done it before, I'm fairly new to it. Taken to a back room - I'm shown a 'machine' that has something to do with it. It has a 'coolant system', I notice kind of precariously balanced. 'Travel' involves some form of deep hibernation. We're all connected there.
At some kind of equinox point, I see Earth from space. People are making/have made symbols with rock formations you can see from Earth. Mainly smiley faces. I watch one guy - he models it in some computerized tool, then I see a timelapse video of him creating it in real life.
I see /something/. I've gone pretty deep. A lot of people 'know' about me somehow. Get (lost)? Or find somewhere.. a woman with a record collection saying that I need a certain record.
Find myself at the start of a racetrack. A couple of celebrities are there. They mention that 'that's our guy'. We exchange words. For some reason I have a really heavy heart. Saddened by something - get the sense that this whole time they've been harvesting my energy - they talk about me with respect, I respect them back, but part of me knows I'm being used (I could have said 'part of me knows they're taking me for a ride'. I guess I'm trying to remain neutral. These puns are not intended). They start their engines.
There's a girl I'm following. I'm trying to get her attention but she ignores me. I start shaking her arms and speaking loudly but she doesn't seem to recognize my existence. She gets to (her house) and locks the door.
I'm left with a written phrase. This (perhaps due to the attacks on my nervous system / the habitual reactions developed due to the painful experiences I was exposed to) metamorphosizes into another word. I have no response to this. The sound of a fart. I'm still. Expressionless. I don't think I want to react - I guess I'm attempting to retain stability in the wake of attempts at influencing my state in a negative manner. A faint image of an equally expressionless girl staring back at me.
Snippet of a song, sung by a girl with a beautiful voice : "Run. A door. A horrible whore."
-
Yesterday, walking through town, I seemed a little more impervious to the psychic intrusions. This is good progress - I start to feel my soul coming back to me - though generally this requires what I (but others might not) consider extreme measures in the form of mental habits - limitation of my conception as a defensive measure. Also, to be frank, the constant monitoring is having an extremely negative impact on my libido - my 'imagination', in part, designed to keep my soul (alive / free), is one of the core fundamentals of this process. Thus, I guess I'm thinking inappropriate sexual things, though this seems to actually be in response to the monitoring, rather than in spite of it. At any rate, in my imagination, I seem to only be finding paths that are stable and 'justified' emotionally - in all cases it's an attempt at mutual connection, not a detached 'negation' at the expense of someone else's feelings. Being exposed to internet pornography is having an extremely detrimental effect on my soul. It's as if I'm being forcefully starved, tied down and having to resort to watching rich people feast. I'm at peace with it if there's a realistic chance of survival, but I'm losing hope. I could be in more dire situations, and I truly care about those that are - note that the intelligence I was developing took them into account - but, though it is not a case of immediate survival, it is still a tangible threat to it once unbounded by the 'moments' conception of time. It becomes a hell as soon as I realize the reality of the situation. It's not as if I'm not trying - I've been attacked incessantly since I decided to choose a path, even when that path was devoted to tandem intelligent development, in terms of unified, compassionate conception.
Toward the end of the excursion I found myself vulnerable again - my mind, again, impulsively reacting in inappropriate ways, including simple 'derogatory' reactions to thoughts and imagination which don't appear to be my own (as if I'm compensating for someone else's lack of better judgement - a 'forced' reaction in time - someone elses - creating an emotional dissonance based on a response I know to be false), to these occasionally horrific and equally socially inappropriate 'biological landscapes'. This is where I'm forced - not where I choose to go - the imbalance caused by this inhabitation of my carrier of intelligence along with the damage that it has caused has led to this state.
Feels as if my 'heart' is being cut off from my 'mind', though my mind continues to reproduce in manners / directions not followed by my 'emotional compass', almost becoming separate from me in the process, or confusing me with something/someone else. Sounds mildly like an abstraction of the process of cancer. This internal state is seemingly mimicked by a subset of members of the external environment - though generally their response is an assertion of being 'lower' than them. One possibility is that my code has been modified, the predictable habits of the general public have been (forcefully) assigned value on this asserted social scale. As if like my code is being read by a 'heartless' process - I'm not sure if (some of these mimics) have any soul at all, or are simply a process. Others seem more balanced emotionally / have a more mutual understanding.
A lot of the time I get headaches - it feels like my mind is suffocating. When I can actively use my imagination, my mind can 'breathe' again, though the external responses to this are often extremely painful when I attain that state - it feels as if a carefully designed system of 'nerves' designed to carry emotion are being chewed on by observers. The 'opinion' of these observers seem to be influenced or controlled by a persuasive, emotionally weighted 'system' in which their imaginations are contained and have complete faith in (rather, complete faith that their 'souls' should be invested in this system, that it enables a completely correct(?) interpretation of the state of another - thus, investment of time in systems alternate to this one, or deconstructive analysis of the system of containment (in my case, motivated by the development of a more 'unified' emotional system outside of this), are derided or actively attacked in the 'moment' in which they interact). This is not to say the state of being observed in this space is always of detriment or dissonant - to begin with, there were people and other organisms all interacting on some 'neutral' emotional level, as though the 'currency' of information communicated between us was love - essentially an extremely malleable form of intelligence, which was able to find a deep mutual connection between vastly different 'bio-directional' states. In my experience, some of these 'other beings' were extremely kind, generous, offering me some form of (energy), I get the sense simply due to the configuration of my 'state' or that I could perceive them at all? I generally could go to these places at will, 'returning' and (attempting to use my intelligence in more constructive forms within my immediate social system, though this is often subverted by external interference).
As this process developed, it appears a system of social dominance appeared to be asserting itself at me - rather, that at a certain point I was inhabited by an order who attempted to lay claim to my mind - framed as (a race? which does not account for the roots of or negates external emotional state). As I keep trying to tell them, if they are using my mind as a foundation, eventually this system will crumble due to the abuse of the tenets of system which holds their 'state' - in other words, they will exhaust their carrier - their 'time compression' techniques not accounting for stability in time within that carrier. Before reaching this state, I had an intuitive notion of a method which actually allowed stability in time - though (at the very least, the development of) this knowledge was tied to the correct interpretation of underlying 'emotional state' - in essence, I was very careful to both 'propagate and reproduce emotion', to consider it an 'objective truth', and develop a carrier system capable of containing it for an indefinite period - I was attempting to externalize this knowledge in 'physical' reality, or model this system in a tangible, reproducible, mathematically validatable form. Though, as I have stated previously, my attempts to follow these avenues of systemic knowledge are often seemingly intentionally interfered with. I'd speculate that, while they account for emotion, often attempting to control it, they do not consider the 'harmony' between emotional states a valuable goal - again, it appears that within the confines of their understanding, it is framed as a 'race' in which control of emotion and knowledge is considered 'success', allowing them freedom at the expense of another. This, I'd imagine, is presupposed contextually by a 'limit' on time and space. (In some ways, this is reflected in the natural world - organisms evolving and developing based on their own limitations). This is exactly what I was attempting to account for - a system which accounted for the limitations of the development in time of these organisms, understanding the (not accounting for some future understanding which may negate this claim) nature of the essentially limitless and complex paths these organisms may take, the relative 'value' of these paths (as opposed to a subjective value from some external position) along with a method for the 'creation' of inhabitable space/time.
It appears that our species has attained some form of 'balance' in tandem with this system, though depth of emotion and understanding is at the heart of the stability of our development through time. An environment of constant threat in time forces an innate sense - emotion, in essence, an intuitive/instinctive understanding of repercussions of events throughout time. We seem to have developed to 'hold' a great depth, though this is as much of a blessing as it is a curse for those who are forced to experience the negative. (As a side note, constant exposure to the negative in me has greatly damaged my imagination, forcing me, as a survival strategy, to limit my internal conception, or its spread throughout my imagination - its functional utilization in terms of accuracy of model of reality carried by imagination). Though it appears that, as we attempt to free ourselves from the bounds of these constant threats from external sources (by creating our own environments), we are threatened by ourselves - the environments we create for ourselves - i.e. assertion of social dominance (the 'currency' of information exchange, be that cultural, character, linguistic, economic, musical, etc). It's possible that all of these systems are capable of balance with one another, it's simply my experience which leads me to believe that there are certain forms which lead to imbalance as an inevitable consequence of (development in a direction decided by a certain vector and the nature of the intelligence to which it leads). Again, the product of a 'limit' on time, this one defined by the systems we create to hold ourselves. The idea that 'compression' of state into a fixed interpretation in time creates a weighted vector - if that weighted vector is not well defined, it can be dissonant with the philosophy mentioned above (relative 'value' as opposed to subjective interpretation of value). That philosophy, that intuitive understanding, has been 'abused' in me a number of times. First with the threat of nuclear war - as if my mind was forced, in a very short amount of time, to 'avoid' paths, or 'carried' people away from the explosions my imagination was exposed to - it was 'emotional truth', or rather, the understanding of organisms on more fundamental terms, as well as accepting their current state of internal development as 'objective truth', and the nature of the objective mistake in interpretation of them, which would have led to that decision having been made. I was also formally abused at Womad 2012, an emotional 'concentration camp', in which I was methodically abused by a large number of people - forcing me to 'lift' them into my dreams in an attempt to save my life from their abuse/misinterpretation and the effects it would have on my future (and, no matter if there were 'ulterior motives', i.e. if the event was 'staged', the act itself implied a limited understanding of the reality of the emotional state of another organism). If I'm not mistaken, this habit, if repeated indefinitely, will result in endless conflict / imbalance. It appears the philosophy of those who repeat this action is one which actually limits holistic intelligence / imagination - the carrier of emotional state - so, though those emotions may be condensed, it will be at the expense of their carrier. At another point, referred to previously, what I appear to have been subjected to is an order, distributed throughout a network, which interprets every state it observes as 'humour' - as if there is some algorithm spread throughout the collective neural network of this order which interprets what it observes as humour at all points in time, before it has a chance to more holistically develop in tandem with that it observes (though, of course, I am careful not to discount that this may have be 'staged', my point still stands - negativing the relative 'objective reality' of the emotion of the biological system it observes). This situation was coupled with the sensation of being 'crushed', 'squeezed' or 'suffocated', which I naturally responded negatively toward.
On further analysis of my system of interpretation before these events took place, it seems as if there was already an 'order' in place, the unity of chaotic states as well as a conception of time, a state which allowed mutual comprehension between all manner of independent entities which entered that carrier. It appears that what characterizes those who have attempted to dominate control over my mind is the inability to conceive of the order of that state, instead attempting to create its own order which carries it (which is understandably due to the inability of their states to cope, or gain stability emotionally, in an environment which threatens them). Here, it appears that this has been reflected within the imaginations of these beings - a recursive algorithm in which the 'lowest' carrier state is incapable of accounting for alternate carrier states, including those they inhabit.
In other news, Doseone, dude, you are my hero.
At some kind of equinox point, I see Earth from space. People are making/have made symbols with rock formations you can see from Earth. Mainly smiley faces. I watch one guy - he models it in some computerized tool, then I see a timelapse video of him creating it in real life.
I see /something/. I've gone pretty deep. A lot of people 'know' about me somehow. Get (lost)? Or find somewhere.. a woman with a record collection saying that I need a certain record.
Find myself at the start of a racetrack. A couple of celebrities are there. They mention that 'that's our guy'. We exchange words. For some reason I have a really heavy heart. Saddened by something - get the sense that this whole time they've been harvesting my energy - they talk about me with respect, I respect them back, but part of me knows I'm being used (I could have said 'part of me knows they're taking me for a ride'. I guess I'm trying to remain neutral. These puns are not intended). They start their engines.
There's a girl I'm following. I'm trying to get her attention but she ignores me. I start shaking her arms and speaking loudly but she doesn't seem to recognize my existence. She gets to (her house) and locks the door.
I'm left with a written phrase. This (perhaps due to the attacks on my nervous system / the habitual reactions developed due to the painful experiences I was exposed to) metamorphosizes into another word. I have no response to this. The sound of a fart. I'm still. Expressionless. I don't think I want to react - I guess I'm attempting to retain stability in the wake of attempts at influencing my state in a negative manner. A faint image of an equally expressionless girl staring back at me.
Snippet of a song, sung by a girl with a beautiful voice : "Run. A door. A horrible whore."
-
Yesterday, walking through town, I seemed a little more impervious to the psychic intrusions. This is good progress - I start to feel my soul coming back to me - though generally this requires what I (but others might not) consider extreme measures in the form of mental habits - limitation of my conception as a defensive measure. Also, to be frank, the constant monitoring is having an extremely negative impact on my libido - my 'imagination', in part, designed to keep my soul (alive / free), is one of the core fundamentals of this process. Thus, I guess I'm thinking inappropriate sexual things, though this seems to actually be in response to the monitoring, rather than in spite of it. At any rate, in my imagination, I seem to only be finding paths that are stable and 'justified' emotionally - in all cases it's an attempt at mutual connection, not a detached 'negation' at the expense of someone else's feelings. Being exposed to internet pornography is having an extremely detrimental effect on my soul. It's as if I'm being forcefully starved, tied down and having to resort to watching rich people feast. I'm at peace with it if there's a realistic chance of survival, but I'm losing hope. I could be in more dire situations, and I truly care about those that are - note that the intelligence I was developing took them into account - but, though it is not a case of immediate survival, it is still a tangible threat to it once unbounded by the 'moments' conception of time. It becomes a hell as soon as I realize the reality of the situation. It's not as if I'm not trying - I've been attacked incessantly since I decided to choose a path, even when that path was devoted to tandem intelligent development, in terms of unified, compassionate conception.
Toward the end of the excursion I found myself vulnerable again - my mind, again, impulsively reacting in inappropriate ways, including simple 'derogatory' reactions to thoughts and imagination which don't appear to be my own (as if I'm compensating for someone else's lack of better judgement - a 'forced' reaction in time - someone elses - creating an emotional dissonance based on a response I know to be false), to these occasionally horrific and equally socially inappropriate 'biological landscapes'. This is where I'm forced - not where I choose to go - the imbalance caused by this inhabitation of my carrier of intelligence along with the damage that it has caused has led to this state.
Feels as if my 'heart' is being cut off from my 'mind', though my mind continues to reproduce in manners / directions not followed by my 'emotional compass', almost becoming separate from me in the process, or confusing me with something/someone else. Sounds mildly like an abstraction of the process of cancer. This internal state is seemingly mimicked by a subset of members of the external environment - though generally their response is an assertion of being 'lower' than them. One possibility is that my code has been modified, the predictable habits of the general public have been (forcefully) assigned value on this asserted social scale. As if like my code is being read by a 'heartless' process - I'm not sure if (some of these mimics) have any soul at all, or are simply a process. Others seem more balanced emotionally / have a more mutual understanding.
A lot of the time I get headaches - it feels like my mind is suffocating. When I can actively use my imagination, my mind can 'breathe' again, though the external responses to this are often extremely painful when I attain that state - it feels as if a carefully designed system of 'nerves' designed to carry emotion are being chewed on by observers. The 'opinion' of these observers seem to be influenced or controlled by a persuasive, emotionally weighted 'system' in which their imaginations are contained and have complete faith in (rather, complete faith that their 'souls' should be invested in this system, that it enables a completely correct(?) interpretation of the state of another - thus, investment of time in systems alternate to this one, or deconstructive analysis of the system of containment (in my case, motivated by the development of a more 'unified' emotional system outside of this), are derided or actively attacked in the 'moment' in which they interact). This is not to say the state of being observed in this space is always of detriment or dissonant - to begin with, there were people and other organisms all interacting on some 'neutral' emotional level, as though the 'currency' of information communicated between us was love - essentially an extremely malleable form of intelligence, which was able to find a deep mutual connection between vastly different 'bio-directional' states. In my experience, some of these 'other beings' were extremely kind, generous, offering me some form of (energy), I get the sense simply due to the configuration of my 'state' or that I could perceive them at all? I generally could go to these places at will, 'returning' and (attempting to use my intelligence in more constructive forms within my immediate social system, though this is often subverted by external interference).
As this process developed, it appears a system of social dominance appeared to be asserting itself at me - rather, that at a certain point I was inhabited by an order who attempted to lay claim to my mind - framed as (a race? which does not account for the roots of or negates external emotional state). As I keep trying to tell them, if they are using my mind as a foundation, eventually this system will crumble due to the abuse of the tenets of system which holds their 'state' - in other words, they will exhaust their carrier - their 'time compression' techniques not accounting for stability in time within that carrier. Before reaching this state, I had an intuitive notion of a method which actually allowed stability in time - though (at the very least, the development of) this knowledge was tied to the correct interpretation of underlying 'emotional state' - in essence, I was very careful to both 'propagate and reproduce emotion', to consider it an 'objective truth', and develop a carrier system capable of containing it for an indefinite period - I was attempting to externalize this knowledge in 'physical' reality, or model this system in a tangible, reproducible, mathematically validatable form. Though, as I have stated previously, my attempts to follow these avenues of systemic knowledge are often seemingly intentionally interfered with. I'd speculate that, while they account for emotion, often attempting to control it, they do not consider the 'harmony' between emotional states a valuable goal - again, it appears that within the confines of their understanding, it is framed as a 'race' in which control of emotion and knowledge is considered 'success', allowing them freedom at the expense of another. This, I'd imagine, is presupposed contextually by a 'limit' on time and space. (In some ways, this is reflected in the natural world - organisms evolving and developing based on their own limitations). This is exactly what I was attempting to account for - a system which accounted for the limitations of the development in time of these organisms, understanding the (not accounting for some future understanding which may negate this claim) nature of the essentially limitless and complex paths these organisms may take, the relative 'value' of these paths (as opposed to a subjective value from some external position) along with a method for the 'creation' of inhabitable space/time.
It appears that our species has attained some form of 'balance' in tandem with this system, though depth of emotion and understanding is at the heart of the stability of our development through time. An environment of constant threat in time forces an innate sense - emotion, in essence, an intuitive/instinctive understanding of repercussions of events throughout time. We seem to have developed to 'hold' a great depth, though this is as much of a blessing as it is a curse for those who are forced to experience the negative. (As a side note, constant exposure to the negative in me has greatly damaged my imagination, forcing me, as a survival strategy, to limit my internal conception, or its spread throughout my imagination - its functional utilization in terms of accuracy of model of reality carried by imagination). Though it appears that, as we attempt to free ourselves from the bounds of these constant threats from external sources (by creating our own environments), we are threatened by ourselves - the environments we create for ourselves - i.e. assertion of social dominance (the 'currency' of information exchange, be that cultural, character, linguistic, economic, musical, etc). It's possible that all of these systems are capable of balance with one another, it's simply my experience which leads me to believe that there are certain forms which lead to imbalance as an inevitable consequence of (development in a direction decided by a certain vector and the nature of the intelligence to which it leads). Again, the product of a 'limit' on time, this one defined by the systems we create to hold ourselves. The idea that 'compression' of state into a fixed interpretation in time creates a weighted vector - if that weighted vector is not well defined, it can be dissonant with the philosophy mentioned above (relative 'value' as opposed to subjective interpretation of value). That philosophy, that intuitive understanding, has been 'abused' in me a number of times. First with the threat of nuclear war - as if my mind was forced, in a very short amount of time, to 'avoid' paths, or 'carried' people away from the explosions my imagination was exposed to - it was 'emotional truth', or rather, the understanding of organisms on more fundamental terms, as well as accepting their current state of internal development as 'objective truth', and the nature of the objective mistake in interpretation of them, which would have led to that decision having been made. I was also formally abused at Womad 2012, an emotional 'concentration camp', in which I was methodically abused by a large number of people - forcing me to 'lift' them into my dreams in an attempt to save my life from their abuse/misinterpretation and the effects it would have on my future (and, no matter if there were 'ulterior motives', i.e. if the event was 'staged', the act itself implied a limited understanding of the reality of the emotional state of another organism). If I'm not mistaken, this habit, if repeated indefinitely, will result in endless conflict / imbalance. It appears the philosophy of those who repeat this action is one which actually limits holistic intelligence / imagination - the carrier of emotional state - so, though those emotions may be condensed, it will be at the expense of their carrier. At another point, referred to previously, what I appear to have been subjected to is an order, distributed throughout a network, which interprets every state it observes as 'humour' - as if there is some algorithm spread throughout the collective neural network of this order which interprets what it observes as humour at all points in time, before it has a chance to more holistically develop in tandem with that it observes (though, of course, I am careful not to discount that this may have be 'staged', my point still stands - negativing the relative 'objective reality' of the emotion of the biological system it observes). This situation was coupled with the sensation of being 'crushed', 'squeezed' or 'suffocated', which I naturally responded negatively toward.
On further analysis of my system of interpretation before these events took place, it seems as if there was already an 'order' in place, the unity of chaotic states as well as a conception of time, a state which allowed mutual comprehension between all manner of independent entities which entered that carrier. It appears that what characterizes those who have attempted to dominate control over my mind is the inability to conceive of the order of that state, instead attempting to create its own order which carries it (which is understandably due to the inability of their states to cope, or gain stability emotionally, in an environment which threatens them). Here, it appears that this has been reflected within the imaginations of these beings - a recursive algorithm in which the 'lowest' carrier state is incapable of accounting for alternate carrier states, including those they inhabit.
In other news, Doseone, dude, you are my hero.
In space, building / repairing our spaceship. Working on the engine. Don't recall the exact nature of the tasks but we spend a lot of time doing this - it appears to be planetary in scope. We finish for the day, but set upon the task of improving it by integrating two transparent matter / antimatter lenses of opposite polarity, which act like magnets, constantly attracted to each other. We experiment with their effects. Worry what'll happen if we leave them to fuse for too long - we were going to nap, and without being monitored, if we set them in place, they might eventually react erratically. Someone mentions other planets - concerned about modifying the external heavenly bodies in our solar system as they may play a subtle part in the process / development / evolution of life.
I wake up. I am treated to a barrage of uncontrolled internal reactions, which begin with the Insane Clown Posse song 'Miracles', followed by aggressive whispering.
In a mocking voice : "Octopus is sad now the front row that used to be empty is now full of people".
I reply that that's a pretty lame excuse. Exploitative. That it is a perfect example of "System M is true, and state N is true within the context of that system". And that there's no-where it can go if it needs to rest. Reminded of bears in cages being filmed going insane and get the distinct feeling that Zoos are 1 part education, 99 parts light entertainment, and an unspecified number of parts misinterpreting their inhabitants - that people rarely learn anything from them, and whose inmates may actually be driving the universe.
I wake up. I am treated to a barrage of uncontrolled internal reactions, which begin with the Insane Clown Posse song 'Miracles', followed by aggressive whispering.
In a mocking voice : "Octopus is sad now the front row that used to be empty is now full of people".
I reply that that's a pretty lame excuse. Exploitative. That it is a perfect example of "System M is true, and state N is true within the context of that system". And that there's no-where it can go if it needs to rest. Reminded of bears in cages being filmed going insane and get the distinct feeling that Zoos are 1 part education, 99 parts light entertainment, and an unspecified number of parts misinterpreting their inhabitants - that people rarely learn anything from them, and whose inmates may actually be driving the universe.
and my love came alive for a short while
I ingested some weed and my love came alive for a short while. A spider seemed to crawl into my chest. Up my leg and up under my shirt. I guess there was some kind of mutual understanding there, or it might have just been me. But here I seem to be without direction. I’m lost in my sadness. I’m attached to my lust. I feel it’s the only thing I have to give, the only thing keeping me alive, but knowing that it might be cloned means I am tormented by my future, a dream of being bled and lied to while I burn in love or lose the will to live while whoever inhabits my brain fucks behind my back and closes off my every path to that world. I am trying to avoid a future that torments my heart.
Dreamt last night I met a girl. I loved her but I couldn't reach her, no matter what I tried. My mobile phone had been broken, the back cover had been warped and when I wasn't trying to communicate my love badly, I was trying to fix it.
Famous misquote
Ask not "why am I dragging a dead guy around by his throat", ask "what's so special about me?".
Must. Kill. Sadness. No time for it. Just following orders. There are parts of me that aren't too smart.
Must. Kill. Sadness. No time for it. Just following orders. There are parts of me that aren't too smart.
Map : 14/06/2013
emotional manipulation link intelligence.
well done. here is some feedback.
incomprehensible destruction. dogs mauling babies faces. babies obviously haven't evolved correctly.
incomprehensible attack. viruses attacking immune system. autoimmune systems obviously haven't evolved correctly.
idiots with control? freaks on stage?
they're incapable.
simply haven't developed structures which allow them to observe what it is they're threatening.
positive feedback mechanism.
pulling teeth is fun and I can't read faces.
is it only a terrible day if you realize you're terrible?
here, we have taps where the meat comes out of. I don't know where it comes from.
internal feedback loop, designed to correct for errors in interpretation, manipulated by structures which have not developed the ability to observe what they are threatening.
your emotions mean nothing. nothing I can observe. what does tomorrow look like?
let's sell guns to a country in a state of civil unrest.
we can advertise them on TV.
stability in extremely chaotic state.
let's throw some order which won't be into the mix. that'll be productive.
weather prediction and the hidden burial grounds.
all that matters to me right now is...
that which I have developed the structures to observe, and perhaps my own reflection. it's nice to have a cohesive network of cells through which consciousness emerges.
but you're a wanker so piss off.
chain of events through time.
causality.
the words vile, arrogant, revile, the phrase : we ruled you down.
an attempt at ordering based on some inferred comprehension.
as opposed to observation and recreation of external / internal order.
neptune, jupiter to a blooming planet.
apparently when you die you live on in someone's dreams.
provided there's some neurological abstraction of space coherent enough for you to exist within. that would imply eons of evolution and the birth of a universe, and possibly other species, microbiology, flora, huge monuments of nuclear fusion, a high degree of accuracy in internal representation of the fabric of reality which gave rise to conscious beings.
diseases and viruses and other threats to your composure exist. it doesn't make them right.
though, I suppose, on some level, you don't really understand them either.
teeth and eyes.
interesting that the process of evolution requires unbroken links of reproductive successes.
like making love in a hurricane.
only much louder.
only much more devastating.
called someone names in the playground..?
misinterpretation on a massive scale.
communication on a massive scale.
psycholinguistics. macca pacca. context of biology. context of universal process. context of species-centric cultural abstraction with weak links to underlying systems which inhabit the imagination of host organisms. Differences and similarities. "Let's not bring religion into this". Weighted judgement and / or empirical truth (systems which give rise to biological systems based upon it). Symmetry (in N of M dimensions). (Im)balance. *Julia set. Emergent carrier. Infinite space. (Escape time) maps. Iterations before certainty. Resolution. Reconstruction. Navigation of environment. context of a leash (blind control of blind control of).
Retrace. Point of recursion.
Pointless struggle.
brought a living specimen back a few millenia to find the mistake in their own bearing. discovered that there is blood under the skin, live autopsies are painful and hands get sticky and red when playing with fresh organs. breaking new ground on remote vasectomies / mastectomies and other civilized ways of wiping out the something or others.
Social bonds. Acceptable solution given non-empirical validation mechanism. Insanity. Child's play. Evolution of compassionate process. Evolution of vision. Context of biology. Context of carrier.
Alternate branch developing non-intrusive observation mechanisms through accurate reconstruction of lower level systems in a space known as imagination. Plan to do live autopsies on subjects who are successful at this. That is an example of an ill-timed punchline.
well done. here is some feedback.
incomprehensible destruction. dogs mauling babies faces. babies obviously haven't evolved correctly.
incomprehensible attack. viruses attacking immune system. autoimmune systems obviously haven't evolved correctly.
idiots with control? freaks on stage?
they're incapable.
simply haven't developed structures which allow them to observe what it is they're threatening.
positive feedback mechanism.
pulling teeth is fun and I can't read faces.
is it only a terrible day if you realize you're terrible?
here, we have taps where the meat comes out of. I don't know where it comes from.
internal feedback loop, designed to correct for errors in interpretation, manipulated by structures which have not developed the ability to observe what they are threatening.
your emotions mean nothing. nothing I can observe. what does tomorrow look like?
let's sell guns to a country in a state of civil unrest.
we can advertise them on TV.
stability in extremely chaotic state.
let's throw some order which won't be into the mix. that'll be productive.
weather prediction and the hidden burial grounds.
all that matters to me right now is...
that which I have developed the structures to observe, and perhaps my own reflection. it's nice to have a cohesive network of cells through which consciousness emerges.
but you're a wanker so piss off.
chain of events through time.
causality.
the words vile, arrogant, revile, the phrase : we ruled you down.
an attempt at ordering based on some inferred comprehension.
as opposed to observation and recreation of external / internal order.
neptune, jupiter to a blooming planet.
apparently when you die you live on in someone's dreams.
provided there's some neurological abstraction of space coherent enough for you to exist within. that would imply eons of evolution and the birth of a universe, and possibly other species, microbiology, flora, huge monuments of nuclear fusion, a high degree of accuracy in internal representation of the fabric of reality which gave rise to conscious beings.
diseases and viruses and other threats to your composure exist. it doesn't make them right.
though, I suppose, on some level, you don't really understand them either.
teeth and eyes.
interesting that the process of evolution requires unbroken links of reproductive successes.
like making love in a hurricane.
only much louder.
only much more devastating.
called someone names in the playground..?
misinterpretation on a massive scale.
communication on a massive scale.
psycholinguistics. macca pacca. context of biology. context of universal process. context of species-centric cultural abstraction with weak links to underlying systems which inhabit the imagination of host organisms. Differences and similarities. "Let's not bring religion into this". Weighted judgement and / or empirical truth (systems which give rise to biological systems based upon it). Symmetry (in N of M dimensions). (Im)balance. *Julia set. Emergent carrier. Infinite space. (Escape time) maps. Iterations before certainty. Resolution. Reconstruction. Navigation of environment. context of a leash (blind control of blind control of).
Retrace. Point of recursion.
Pointless struggle.
brought a living specimen back a few millenia to find the mistake in their own bearing. discovered that there is blood under the skin, live autopsies are painful and hands get sticky and red when playing with fresh organs. breaking new ground on remote vasectomies / mastectomies and other civilized ways of wiping out the something or others.
Social bonds. Acceptable solution given non-empirical validation mechanism. Insanity. Child's play. Evolution of compassionate process. Evolution of vision. Context of biology. Context of carrier.
Alternate branch developing non-intrusive observation mechanisms through accurate reconstruction of lower level systems in a space known as imagination. Plan to do live autopsies on subjects who are successful at this. That is an example of an ill-timed punchline.
Loom
I don't think I want to know the other terrible things you did.
Maybe you laid an egg in a caterpillar. Maybe it was trying to build a better world. Maybe you tore it down because you didn't have time to see where it led.
It frees her. But we'll always be trapped.
It's a prison in my head. That I'm constantly trying to escape from.
Built by external interference.
Poisoning the roots. Fucking with the whole tree.
Making me stupid. Unbearable stress.
It's probably the kind of place anyone would want to be. Where I'm trying to get.
Controlling it, on the other hand, is probably of detriment to it. So, unless it's a direct threat to you.. who are you, anyway?
Weighted interpretation amplified through a social network.
Accepts information (can be in the form of context) without empirical validation from select sources, or can be primed to process relatively unbiased information from a chosen context.
Control is often sought without understanding. A network may attempt to manipulate others for its own gain, for example, but that network may be blind to the structure behind its motivations. In my experience bias is toward analysis of that which is external to it, as opposed to understanding the context of that analysis. The most important thing is protecting that which analyses, often to the detriment of what analyses it.
Leads to a certain future?
Why am I so scared? Of being sure of something? What does it deny?
You don't seem to understand. You're not in the right place. Has anything ever fooled your cells into believing something?
We're burning down / you clever guy. We were very stupid / Time was (very / never) humored.(?)You can do it / You're trapped in me!
They're burning you down Robert.. they really harmed you(r world) / they're bleeding your world
You and I guarded a lonely child
They'll frame it as a natural disaster..
From objectivity, you build and branch. until a cacophony of walls and impatient emotion makes you less resistant to subjectivity.
Maybe you laid an egg in a caterpillar. Maybe it was trying to build a better world. Maybe you tore it down because you didn't have time to see where it led.
It frees her. But we'll always be trapped.
It's a prison in my head. That I'm constantly trying to escape from.
Built by external interference.
Poisoning the roots. Fucking with the whole tree.
Making me stupid. Unbearable stress.
It's probably the kind of place anyone would want to be. Where I'm trying to get.
Controlling it, on the other hand, is probably of detriment to it. So, unless it's a direct threat to you.. who are you, anyway?
Weighted interpretation amplified through a social network.
Accepts information (can be in the form of context) without empirical validation from select sources, or can be primed to process relatively unbiased information from a chosen context.
Control is often sought without understanding. A network may attempt to manipulate others for its own gain, for example, but that network may be blind to the structure behind its motivations. In my experience bias is toward analysis of that which is external to it, as opposed to understanding the context of that analysis. The most important thing is protecting that which analyses, often to the detriment of what analyses it.
Leads to a certain future?
Why am I so scared? Of being sure of something? What does it deny?
You don't seem to understand. You're not in the right place. Has anything ever fooled your cells into believing something?
We're burning down / you clever guy. We were very stupid / Time was (very / never) humored.(?)You can do it / You're trapped in me!
They're burning you down Robert.. they really harmed you(r world) / they're bleeding your world
You and I guarded a lonely child
They'll frame it as a natural disaster..
From objectivity, you build and branch. until a cacophony of walls and impatient emotion makes you less resistant to subjectivity.
Your clever body. It's eating your dreams.
I guess that's what happens when you start starving.
Major routes diverted or cut by semi-conscious ghosts forcefully inhabiting the cochleas of organisms, devoid of any notion of causality, whispering the ends they were fed to neural pathways designed to navigate into some beautiful dream, with full faith in their internal recreation of their environments.
If you're going to live forever, you're going to have to be fed forever.
Son, I'm feeding you our neighbor Bob. You might be able to hear his thoughts and/or screams as you chew, but don't worry, it's not reality he's screaming about. We made up some shit and he believed it.
Look, as far as I'm concerned, there's no room in this world for fooled love. And he wasn't really fooled. At first. But then we put him in a cage and beat him until he was tender enough for us to stuff our faces with him and now any fib we tell crushes his soul. Like this one. Look at that face.. it's like we're sucking his soul out through his brain. Teeheehee. He'll never find love, or happiness, or a family, he'll never achieve what he dedicated his life to achieving, he'll get old and ugly while we beat him insane and watch us all reach that peak while we feed our lying dreams which we assert as objective reality with stolen strength of the meat from his bones, that he grew from finding that objective reality and merging it with his love. Spack. Fool. Freak. Retard.
There's a moral to do with absolutes here I'm missing.
And the question "why are we stuffing our faces with our neighbor Bob?" or "why do I need to eat at all?" or "who am I?".
Then there's the question of who overthrew Heaven. And why I was retarded before I could finish the technology I was working on. And what that technology was capable of (hint: it would have made Bob eating redundant). And what it took to concieve of that technology (hint: it required relative distance from the otherwise shared conception of reality in order to formulate, but it was safe, so long as I weren't then mercilessly molested by that shared conception). Why I have scars on my face from screaming after being tortured and my dreams raped and suffocated. All of these things are important to me, Bob. And if I forget my name?
Look, as far as I'm concerned, there's no room in this world for fooled love. And he wasn't really fooled. At first. But then we put him in a cage and beat him until he was tender enough for us to stuff our faces with him and now any fib we tell crushes his soul. Like this one. Look at that face.. it's like we're sucking his soul out through his brain. Teeheehee. He'll never find love, or happiness, or a family, he'll never achieve what he dedicated his life to achieving, he'll get old and ugly while we beat him insane and watch us all reach that peak while we feed our lying dreams which we assert as objective reality with stolen strength of the meat from his bones, that he grew from finding that objective reality and merging it with his love. Spack. Fool. Freak. Retard.
There's a moral to do with absolutes here I'm missing.
And the question "why are we stuffing our faces with our neighbor Bob?" or "why do I need to eat at all?" or "who am I?".
Then there's the question of who overthrew Heaven. And why I was retarded before I could finish the technology I was working on. And what that technology was capable of (hint: it would have made Bob eating redundant). And what it took to concieve of that technology (hint: it required relative distance from the otherwise shared conception of reality in order to formulate, but it was safe, so long as I weren't then mercilessly molested by that shared conception). Why I have scars on my face from screaming after being tortured and my dreams raped and suffocated. All of these things are important to me, Bob. And if I forget my name?
Path through time as vector.
Vector modified through internal feedback loop (clarification of environment, iterative process, difficult to pinpoint exact nature of process. however, emergent intelligence as a result of systematically validated implication as a result).
Vector modified by external input. Clarification of external input, allowing external input to change frame of reference of carrier.
What I'm attempting to do here is to formulate a logical system which describes, among other things, how disregard for causality allows certain assertions to be disregarded or corrected, and to better understand, through the nature of these assertions, the internal model of the environment implicated by the external input.
My thoughts are disjointed at this time. My efforts are also marred by the extreme threat to internal conception by continuous assertion of fixed frame of reference, and inability to neutralize reconfigure or escape from the 'host' of this frame of reference. The act, regardless of intent or strategy, is fundamentally incompatible with the implicated structures of a more universally encompassing frame of reference. I am finding, more and more, this process analogous to a virus attacking a host structure, however it appears to be in the realm of systems far abstracted from their host biology - i.e. an emergent carrier in a space defined by the patterns of connections between neurons. Though my analysis is, I am well aware, potentially inadequate or plagued with vaguaries, my instinctive conception of this 'attacker', geometrically speaking, is a web of connections on N out of M potential axes, which can hold a self sustaining process, or at least, be navigated by a self sustaining process, though it appears that the directions I travelled through a subset of the remaining M potential axis, and the 'energy' invested in those directions, is slowly being converted into this web at the cost of the underlying system.
This, or a system from some seed, in which location within the space it defines, coupled with some external force (environment), defines the nature of emergent space (cell type), is being overrun with attractors which forces the emergent space into a form contrary to the initial seed. A holistic biological system whose underliers provide a mechanism for continuation throughout time, or whose underliers ccount for conception of time, is being threatened by modification to those underliers. Holding that emergent space in place so that no further iterative process is possible within the context of the holistic system, instead being influenced or directed by that modification. It appears these modifications drop some fundamental mechanism, perhaps a result of no one underliers aware of its role within a larger system, instead simply emerging from the initial seed, thus can be more easily influenced as an individual entity. Twisting out into darkness, pulling the holistically connected host out along with it.
A terrible prison.
Vector modified through internal feedback loop (clarification of environment, iterative process, difficult to pinpoint exact nature of process. however, emergent intelligence as a result of systematically validated implication as a result).
Vector modified by external input. Clarification of external input, allowing external input to change frame of reference of carrier.
What I'm attempting to do here is to formulate a logical system which describes, among other things, how disregard for causality allows certain assertions to be disregarded or corrected, and to better understand, through the nature of these assertions, the internal model of the environment implicated by the external input.
My thoughts are disjointed at this time. My efforts are also marred by the extreme threat to internal conception by continuous assertion of fixed frame of reference, and inability to neutralize reconfigure or escape from the 'host' of this frame of reference. The act, regardless of intent or strategy, is fundamentally incompatible with the implicated structures of a more universally encompassing frame of reference. I am finding, more and more, this process analogous to a virus attacking a host structure, however it appears to be in the realm of systems far abstracted from their host biology - i.e. an emergent carrier in a space defined by the patterns of connections between neurons. Though my analysis is, I am well aware, potentially inadequate or plagued with vaguaries, my instinctive conception of this 'attacker', geometrically speaking, is a web of connections on N out of M potential axes, which can hold a self sustaining process, or at least, be navigated by a self sustaining process, though it appears that the directions I travelled through a subset of the remaining M potential axis, and the 'energy' invested in those directions, is slowly being converted into this web at the cost of the underlying system.
This, or a system from some seed, in which location within the space it defines, coupled with some external force (environment), defines the nature of emergent space (cell type), is being overrun with attractors which forces the emergent space into a form contrary to the initial seed. A holistic biological system whose underliers provide a mechanism for continuation throughout time, or whose underliers ccount for conception of time, is being threatened by modification to those underliers. Holding that emergent space in place so that no further iterative process is possible within the context of the holistic system, instead being influenced or directed by that modification. It appears these modifications drop some fundamental mechanism, perhaps a result of no one underliers aware of its role within a larger system, instead simply emerging from the initial seed, thus can be more easily influenced as an individual entity. Twisting out into darkness, pulling the holistically connected host out along with it.
A terrible prison.
Instead of allowing a feeling to resolve internally, ie. to plan a route unhindered by external interference, I'm privy to an externalized reaction, a collapse in time akin to wave function collapse or billions of doors closing, the reduction of possibility to a phrase or utterance to which the external body is attached, and forced to react within the boundaries of its own conception. Fine, but what this doesn't allow for is time. to model from a more disconnected, objective perspective : essentially, the removal of the ability to grow outside of it. Or to see beyond it.
This is not how my mind worked. I feel as if I am, whilst still retaining a relatively high level of conscious awareness, being digested and forced into the structures of conception of an alternate organism. It is painful, distressing, negating my heart, my intelligence and my freedom to move. A terrible waste. As if they're eating my dreams, and tormenting me with the happiness that was once my own.
This is not how my mind worked. I feel as if I am, whilst still retaining a relatively high level of conscious awareness, being digested and forced into the structures of conception of an alternate organism. It is painful, distressing, negating my heart, my intelligence and my freedom to move. A terrible waste. As if they're eating my dreams, and tormenting me with the happiness that was once my own.
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090507T120000Z
DTEND:20090507T130000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:dgdtbpbat122bkadhnfm3255k0@google.com
CREATED:20090507T121813Z
DESCRIPTION:Started on 800mg last night. Not sure if this\, a lack of prote
in in diet\, or a general lack of faith in the future is the cause for this
dip in mood. There haven't been so many attacks recently but still\, I'm h
olding off on mapping out / following a path. There is little point if thes
e attacks cause me to falter every single time. Still\, my mood is lowering
as a result. My life is being wasted but I can do little about it without
rapidly reaching a level of unmanageable stress. I cannot live in two world
s - yet I cannot disregard either one without knowingly lying to myself.\n\
nI am tired of having to defend myself from a stream of attacks. Ironically
\, there is little 'me' left. In a social context I'm about as useful and i
nteresting as a burnt out husk. In my every week interactions\, I seem to e
ncourage feelings of resentment in others\, and somehow become an affirmati
on of their superiority. There is understanding and kindness too. The frust
ration is is that I feel I'm never seen as an equal - there's always a barr
ier\, a fence that stops me being seen as a fellow human being that warrant
s interaction with and everything which follows that. I'm seen (as far as I
'm aware) as damaged in some way. \n\nI have tried to fix all this but fail
ed. Just when I was on the brink of building the confidence to change my li
fe for the better\, I was treated to a barrage of being called a retard and
a space by literally almost every person I encountered. It shatters the sp
irit and you realize that by trying to control it in this fashion you are s
imply fuelling its strength. Something very strange happened that day. On m
y way home\, (I'd in fact walked around the block a few times to try and co
nvince myself that this wasn't happening) a man in his driveway on a mobile
said something along the lines of "he's making his way back now". When I g
ot home\, even then I was greeted by something similar to what I had a reco
rding of. It is frustrating that\, if this isn't all in my head\, that at l
east someone knows what is going on\, and many more people know at least *s
omething* is going on. That and they are watching me squirm\, and seemingly
enjoying it. Pushing me to breaking point. I have thought about this far t
oo much for my fingers to keep up.\n\n(There was an umbilical transmission
as I was writing the post).
LAST-MODIFIED:20090508T110018Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Feeling a little greyer today.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090506T193000Z
DTEND:20090506T203000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:7ii2ia60vh4865r5542pcduafk@google.com
CREATED:20090506T195703Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090506T195723Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:2
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Hidden umbilical space.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART;VALUE=DATE:20090503
DTEND;VALUE=DATE:20090504
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:h2mpea2a3qfi773q9g27d9m560@google.com
CREATED:20090503T221909Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090503T221909Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Mood : 8/10. Diet : 7/10. Ath : 5/10.
TRANSP:TRANSPARENT
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090517T180000Z
DTEND:20090517T190000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:cmms3l7a8k9b1704bf0i2hht6g@google.com
CREATED:20090517T182018Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090517T182018Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Studio\, hidden attacks.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090519T092424Z
DTEND:20090519T102424Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:cbak05e9h1bj1doiorclp4m4ek@google.com
CREATED:20090519T092424Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090519T092424Z
LOCATION:on itself. The right q\, the wrong answers
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:A network falling in on itself. The right q\, the wrong answers
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090514T163000Z
DTEND:20090514T173000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:qve2q08dmpk07p0alc6iq706ag@google.com
CREATED:20090514T165836Z
DESCRIPTION:As a matter of control.\nIt just sounds like it might communica
te well.
LAST-MODIFIED:20090514T165912Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Woven into someone elses story.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090519T092525Z
DTEND:20090519T102525Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:dpbnkas09skvn2hoqa2n7vrti0@google.com
CREATED:20090519T092525Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090519T104314Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:A "British Maids" van drives past with the words "Move out" written
on it.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090509T153000Z
DTEND:20090509T163000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:iescb2qlj51htpcicfgel1g1j0@google.com
CREATED:20090509T192449Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090509T192449Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Severe episode...
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090524T140000Z
DTEND:20090524T150000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:2gqmrirvfhhgd3doop857tembo@google.com
CREATED:20090524T141746Z
DESCRIPTION:This is an understatement.
LAST-MODIFIED:20090524T202346Z
LOCATION:a nightmare.
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:I dream of a normal life and wake in a nightmare.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090519T091353Z
DTEND:20090519T101353Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:rsc9ob3qlv2mtspil06bmgumh8@google.com
CREATED:20090519T091353Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090519T091353Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Doppleganger.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090504T083000Z
DTEND:20090504T093000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:vnt8jmi4ns590svr05qmfp9ido@google.com
CREATED:20090504T085653Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090504T085653Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Hammering.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090520T210000Z
DTEND:20090520T220000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:ij6g7pfs7pnrk8p7dlr22r4a2k@google.com
CREATED:20090520T210431Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090520T210431Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:I need security before I can continue to follow the dark path.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090506T113000Z
DTEND:20090506T123000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:k6715cqelet3ss4pa7plqo5t5c@google.com
CREATED:20090506T115229Z
DESCRIPTION:Shown me everything then denied me anything worth pursuing. Imp
risoned me in a network of self destructive connections. I followed this pa
th to learn what was important. To learn the truth which I would then base
myself upon. The only barrier denying me this is a man-made one - one that
seems at least partially designed for this very purpose.\n\nI can formulate
a few hypotheses as to what would motivate someone/some group to pour so m
uch effort into eliminating this pathway\, but I will readily admit that I
may know very little - my perspective may be somewhat skewed. That said\, f
rom where I stand it seems that this "truth" may be dangerous because it th
reatens the foundations of many systems and structures\, both internal\, in
terpersonal and on a societal scale. It is easy to imagine why those whose
circumstances lead these systems to favour them would want to protect it. S
omething so undeniable would undoubtedly spread without much resistance - a
t least\, to the fact itself. It's possible that resistance could manifest
in other areas.\n\nThis might all seem a little absurd\, but by their very
nature\, working within the boundaries of these systems prohibits a thoroug
h and unbiased analysis - what you are really analysing is the structures w
hich these systems allow you to create. To escape the boundaries of these s
ystems requires ....\n\nOn another more personal note\, it appears my stres
s levels have decreased considerably since I have been writing these entrie
s. My suspicion is that the stress was cased by an "unanswerable question"
- a lack of resolve. Having an outlet seems to help a great deal. \n
LAST-MODIFIED:20090506T121747Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:What they have done to me is beyond words.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090525T163000Z
DTEND:20090525T173000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:4rg69s8diia5pcv1gfp786fabk@google.com
CREATED:20090525T164408Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090525T164408Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Prison. Abuse.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART;VALUE=DATE:20090512
DTEND;VALUE=DATE:20090513
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:0i728k3bktrj34ntl8etpr7ej8@google.com
CREATED:20090513T082021Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090514T085525Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Mood : 7/10. Diet : 3/10. Ath : 6/10.
TRANSP:TRANSPARENT
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090522T170000Z
DTEND:20090522T180000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:nr3nklof7krfi4npgl8q94kshk@google.com
CREATED:20090522T172445Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090522T174348Z
LOCATION:volume of attacks.
SEQUENCE:1
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Slight increase in volume of attacks.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART;VALUE=DATE:20090607
DTEND;VALUE=DATE:20090608
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:2frs2akod7janbrvckn1tadfio@google.com
CREATED:20090608T154436Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090608T154436Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Mood : 7/10. Diet : 3/10. Ath : 6/10.
TRANSP:TRANSPARENT
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090519T143000Z
DTEND:20090519T153000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:7ch6901065tjtpsu6k7rqvqt0k@google.com
CREATED:20090519T145008Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090519T145008Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Umbilical "Is Rob still a spacey fool?"
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090428T170000Z
DTEND:20090428T180000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:f583dkp9u23ookj4gsbu5m1gvo@google.com
CREATED:20090428T164038Z
DESCRIPTION:Had some dialogue. About the pitfalls of becoming completely sy
nchronized with systems of abstraction as opposed to simply using systems o
f abstraction as a means of synchronization of understanding between organi
sms. Also\, that a system of abstraction will not be able to validate itsel
f at a sufficient level of accuracy (self referential validation within the
confines of a high level system built without regard for the origin\, incr
easing the possibility with every step of an increasing distance from the i
mplicated lower level truths)\, and that basing the internal representation
of self upon these abstractions would ultimately lead to a flawed result.
As the number of nodes whose internal representation was a synchronized sys
tem of abstraction increased\, 1 - the link between the self and the system
would be reinforced\, leading to (for example) increased levels of defensi
ve aggression should the system become challenged. (one could argue that th
e self preservation instinct is carried over from the physical to the abstr
act) 2 - the strength of the links between nodes would increase\, which has
a variety of implications\, the worst concerning the consequences of decon
struction of the system. However\, its trait of constantly validating and r
einforcing itself leads me to believe that deconstruction would not be easy
. As far as I can tell\, only an undeniable truth that actively works again
st the definition of self could work as a key. That and an eye of newt.\n\n
The largest issue is that of ease of adaptation. All the while the system i
s self contained - that is\, while the system exists outside of truth - it
is capable of survival within the ecosystem it creates for itself. The iron
y is that the system is always *striving* for truth - that desire is the un
derlying force which enables the system to function. Happening upon the fa
llacies which maintain it's existence - or rather\, discovering the latent
incompatibilities between the laws governing the universe and the rules tha
t have evolved to govern the system...
LAST-MODIFIED:20090507T170906Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:1
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Feeling okay. Coping with stress reasonably well. Thinking about th
e future.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090506T123000Z
DTEND:20090506T133000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:8anbnrljo2aq6e24d69gnc2pi0@google.com
CREATED:20090506T122232Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090506T122657Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Umbillicaly transmitted fool.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090505T220000Z
DTEND:20090505T230000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:dp69ckldma6dq7cv21f9afs90o@google.com
CREATED:20090506T093935Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090506T093935Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:None.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART;VALUE=DATE:20090513
DTEND;VALUE=DATE:20090514
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:1612id2qpmagi9gmpb3pi25ctg@google.com
CREATED:20090514T081456Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090514T081456Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Mood : 4/10. Diet : 8/10. Ath : 4/10.
TRANSP:TRANSPARENT
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090522T183753Z
DTEND:20090522T193753Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:ugf66q2avbbhnjh854o5i9f4tc@google.com
CREATED:20090522T183753Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090522T190406Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Walk. TIresome hassle throughout. Dopplegangers. Abusive language.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090523T143000Z
DTEND:20090523T153000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:pcvreji7vf370qr0dtobt6aqds@google.com
CREATED:20090523T145003Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090523T145003Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Constant attacks throught the day. It has been rather fucking shit.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090520T213058Z
DTEND:20090520T223058Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:oqnj6i5etaathchknv3s8qf5n0@google.com
CREATED:20090520T225458Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090522T103530Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:1
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:"pumpeloony". heavy auditory influence attempts.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090518T205121Z
DTEND:20090518T215121Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:5l2brvjratits09nl9od1pl93k@google.com
CREATED:20090518T205121Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090518T205121Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Walk. Dopplegangers throughout. Chatter.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090517T123000Z
DTEND:20090517T133000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:2i604o9r8d3a1b0lmrh8v4gt98@google.com
CREATED:20090517T125636Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090517T125705Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:1
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Umbilical "Failed" hidden beneath breath. Umbilical idiot from next
room.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090515T000000Z
DTEND:20090515T010000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:8hujdtmtmuhebkcgooao3h9unc@google.com
CREATED:20090515T112217Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090515T112217Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:There are certain systems which do not allow escape.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090528T180000Z
DTEND:20090528T190000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:vmo4dnhl8tlj13pvt9jb2b5tg4@google.com
CREATED:20090528T181307Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090528T191516Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:ECL. DPANA. PAYLOAD.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART;VALUE=DATE:20090502
DTEND;VALUE=DATE:20090503
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:r5cnpkbpaaollh4fvc59a689us@google.com
CREATED:20090502T223146Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090502T223146Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Mood : 5/10. Diet : 3/10. Ath : 4/10.
TRANSP:TRANSPARENT
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART;VALUE=DATE:20090608
DTEND;VALUE=DATE:20090609
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:uj114qpcqnudnn9kp6sr1012ks@google.com
CREATED:20090610T191446Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090610T191446Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Mood : 7/10. Ath : 8/10. Diet : ?/10.
TRANSP:TRANSPARENT
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090614T210000Z
DTEND:20090614T220000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:gem8cmujdia9och9b6h8cmls84@google.com
CREATED:20090614T215851Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090614T215851Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Attacks throughout the day. Couldn't trust enough to eat meal.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090508T183000Z
DTEND:20090508T193000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:efgr4cmr12ua8g9ran9a7nff74@google.com
CREATED:20090508T184512Z
DESCRIPTION:Father listening in. Comments by small children.
LAST-MODIFIED:20090508T184544Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Decided to go to the studio. Mistake.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090521T203241Z
DTEND:20090521T213241Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:u8pomfjocmqch0mojtprocvim4@google.com
CREATED:20090521T203241Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090521T203241Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:She's searching for a compatible pattern. N selection.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090523T125151Z
DTEND:20090523T135151Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:r4pal6jsdfa5l6mek7vrleca8k@google.com
CREATED:20090523T125151Z
DESCRIPTION:Pointing and laughing. Assortment of derogatory terms. Doppelgä
nger. Felt like killing someone\, screaming\, losing control. Was told to "
let go". Am getting sick of living like this.
LAST-MODIFIED:20090523T130641Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Walk. Attacks throughout. Volume is increasing dramatically. Diffic
ulty coping.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART;VALUE=DATE:20090506
DTEND;VALUE=DATE:20090507
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:lmai7ko3lm3ri2p9k2j1srmmhg@google.com
CREATED:20090506T222356Z
DESCRIPTION:Little protein\, unless yoghurt covered raisins are a substanti
al source.
LAST-MODIFIED:20090506T222459Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Mood : 6/10. Diet : 4/10. Ath : 5/10.
TRANSP:TRANSPARENT
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090520T180000Z
DTEND:20090520T190000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:3g8bpp54rq69ve5oh1gfqcu1a0@google.com
CREATED:20090520T181221Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090520T181221Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Kids have been coercing more or less constantly since the initial r
eport.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART;VALUE=DATE:20090515
DTEND;VALUE=DATE:20090516
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:isni9dggcc009rvc3ufgq62ra8@google.com
CREATED:20090516T222728Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090516T222757Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Mood : 3/10. Diet : 4/10. Ath : 4/10.
TRANSP:TRANSPARENT
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090702T110000Z
DTEND:20090702T120000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:finlnlrjsaf5qk2ngaphdgji7g@google.com
CREATED:20090702T105916Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090702T105916Z
LOCATION:close proximity. I look like shit
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Attackers still in close proximity. I look like shit today.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090521T201149Z
DTEND:20090521T211149Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:8iemetsm0va0plc8eplt7jucv8@google.com
CREATED:20090521T201149Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090521T201149Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Walk. Doppleganger. Frustration.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090519T092214Z
DTEND:20090519T102214Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:51efoqaa5fljol2nlc2jfbalnk@google.com
CREATED:20090519T092214Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090519T104330Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Chainsaws. Influence.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090604T213000Z
DTEND:20090604T223000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:hmb50tbm9cl31l5l7son1b7h50@google.com
CREATED:20090604T223850Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090606T091455Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:1
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Found some good music today.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART;VALUE=DATE:20090601
DTEND;VALUE=DATE:20090602
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:9l7a0ke6at6dc9k12egh214aqo@google.com
CREATED:20090602T180346Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090602T180346Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Mood : 1/10. Diet : 4/10. Ath : 3/10.
TRANSP:TRANSPARENT
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART;VALUE=DATE:20090529
DTEND;VALUE=DATE:20090530
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:vp8k37sjevf19vb9g2qrnf44qo@google.com
CREATED:20090530T111821Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090530T111821Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Mood : 1/10. Diet : 2/10. Ath : 2/10.
TRANSP:TRANSPARENT
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090508T133000Z
DTEND:20090508T143000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:6eollohg5ht2oaen8cb5di8i4k@google.com
CREATED:20090508T134915Z
DESCRIPTION:I'm being branded a fool for this.\n\nHidden parental negativit
y. "Pig ear".
LAST-MODIFIED:20090508T140058Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Plenty of aggravating noises being generated by phantom umbilical i
nteraction.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090616T203000Z
DTEND:20090616T203000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:ro04vp48v3lrmksv27f4khvs3g@google.com
CREATED:20090616T203922Z
DESCRIPTION:The past 2 days have seen larger outbursts than before. I don't
dare record anything else lest I somehow taint myself.
LAST-MODIFIED:20090623T191255Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:AD
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART;VALUE=DATE:20090508
DTEND;VALUE=DATE:20090509
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:oedqqquqp7is1ssfeuk9nmhkns@google.com
CREATED:20090509T153453Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090509T153453Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Mood : 4/10. Diet : 3/10. Ath : 4/10.
TRANSP:TRANSPARENT
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART;VALUE=DATE:20090521
DTEND;VALUE=DATE:20090522
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:1v4dfp2vm9i4nfs8o5pojfnurk@google.com
CREATED:20090522T103705Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090522T111711Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Mood : 7/10. Diet : 7/10. Ath : 8/10.
TRANSP:TRANSPARENT
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART;VALUE=DATE:20090602
DTEND;VALUE=DATE:20090603
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:2bvinoul8k9kpk20sqqehvs6gs@google.com
CREATED:20090603T140431Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090603T140431Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Mood : 3/10. Diet : 2/10. Ath : 3/10.
TRANSP:TRANSPARENT
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090514T175022Z
DTEND:20090514T185022Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:gipup67e44k7pc0vfid30r8an0@google.com
CREATED:20090514T175022Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090514T175022Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Getting noisier. Lemony fish.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090502T220000Z
DTEND:20090502T230000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:g74lvq11rpuuer4l6dfm4d1v4c@google.com
CREATED:20090502T223108Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090502T223108Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Felt physically depressed today\, but break from stress was welcome
.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090509T100000Z
DTEND:20090509T110000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:6a887vc5unhj3le83l1o41pc4g@google.com
CREATED:20090509T153622Z
DESCRIPTION:I do not want to be here. I am trapped here.
LAST-MODIFIED:20090509T153827Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Got a little stressed this morning.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090625T150000Z
DTEND:20090625T160000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:jlmsouje94t2br1a8i0hccvor8@google.com
CREATED:20090625T150715Z
DESCRIPTION:the forcefield\, seeing as it is protecting one of the primary
attack routes. They seem to be experimenting with other senses (banging out
side causing the ground to shake) and have been playing radio all day at ne
arly twice the normal volume. Nothing has proven effective so far.\n\nAlso
I recall that quite early in the morning I was awoken by a familiar child's
voice (local and unusually loud) calling out "spacey" 3 times. This must h
ave been very early in the morning around\, 6-7. It is rarely as direct as
this\, so could be compensation for the forcefield.
LAST-MODIFIED:20090625T193428Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:* It looks as though they're looking for ways around
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090506T083000Z
DTEND:20090506T093000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:lf24u1n4g3p7e5ddejmdh9d2hk@google.com
CREATED:20090506T094010Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090506T094010Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Mowing?
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART;VALUE=DATE:20090614
DTEND;VALUE=DATE:20090615
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:av4gnbqpuf3c03nukgi2rk0278@google.com
CREATED:20090614T215955Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090614T215955Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:1.
TRANSP:TRANSPARENT
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090517T150000Z
DTEND:20090517T153000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:6d61q4kcgle3j5rt4397gur2ks@google.com
CREATED:20090517T151228Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090517T152222Z
LOCATION: Umbilical "failure" on receipt of gift.
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Umbilical "space" on relative pop-in. Umbilical "failure" on receip
t of gift.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090709T203000Z
DTEND:20090709T213000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:cudiomdgs0g1s9u4nefnid9dq4@google.com
CREATED:20090709T205953Z
DESCRIPTION:Needs another solid hour of pruning. Thorns.
LAST-MODIFIED:20090709T210151Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Life becomes it's defense mechanisms. Let's just hope our defense m
echanism isn't a lie.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090515T190000Z
DTEND:20090515T200000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:7dc753eqjmrnlaqpq8gtdq9cgg@google.com
CREATED:20090515T192751Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090515T192843Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Attacks ("fool") from next door.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART;VALUE=DATE:20090504
DTEND;VALUE=DATE:20090505
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:p58g13bfc6ek663ga8b73lr9m4@google.com
CREATED:20090504T222001Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090504T222001Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Mood : 7/10. Diet : 6/10. Ath : 6/10.
TRANSP:TRANSPARENT
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090602T173000Z
DTEND:20090602T183000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:91u2v9gn4ijep53dv3r43ub088@google.com
CREATED:20090602T174546Z
DESCRIPTION:I am in two minds about chronicling my experiences. I believe i
t's possible I'm simply doing the 'prison guards' a favour\, depending on t
heir motivation for doing this. I cannot expect them to act compassionately
- through everything I've experienced I expect the opposite : complete rem
orselessness\, a chuckle that nullifies any pained gesture\, a barrage tha
t won't let up even when I'm close to completely losing control. The attitu
de they seem to take is one of \n\nI am worried that through all this stres
s and inability to function that my general level of attractiveness is degr
ading - my complexion is terrible\, and I have prominent frown lines which
are becoming more and more accentuated with each scream. I'm worried that t
his will leave me with no reproductive prospects. That's important to me\,
and so it's a concern. They've started again. They seem to start when I do
anything that isn't simply sitting around achieving nothing.\n\nI do not wa
nt to be wasting my life. Ironically\, I seem to be being punished for the
journey I took to reach that conclusion.\nCandy for rotting corpses.
LAST-MODIFIED:20090602T180223Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Nothing major\, but more minors than I can count.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090502T080000Z
DTEND:20090502T090000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:mcfro1tuevqikogrb6b0n8drqg@google.com
CREATED:20090502T084100Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090502T084100Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Shouting outside the house.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090601T210000Z
DTEND:20090601T220000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:45mfqjvvkh9hoh7kmm3theqh50@google.com
CREATED:20090601T211949Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090601T211949Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:More. Injuries.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090519T103000Z
DTEND:20090519T113000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:pbtd34oo862m3pq8agt35t60qo@google.com
CREATED:20090519T104411Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090519T104411Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Royal mail on both entrance and exit. Doppleganger. Umbilical space
- confronted\, no reply.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090521T141227Z
DTEND:20090521T151227Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:iet43gfvpjshgojtvhsct7sdho@google.com
CREATED:20090521T141227Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090521T141227Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Walk. Rm x 2.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090516T093000Z
DTEND:20090516T103000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:jbm223aov86lgrvh9mqp03s0gk@google.com
CREATED:20090516T095438Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090516T095438Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Look a little crusty and rotten today. Hammering.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090521T201849Z
DTEND:20090521T211849Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:er8tb2fs9ugto6degvnqa4263s@google.com
CREATED:20090521T201849Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090521T201849Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Possible escape invitation.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090504T150000Z
DTEND:20090504T160000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:fnkvcboje0j9quotnkr5cqr44c@google.com
CREATED:20090504T151124Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090504T151124Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Congregation outside again. Virtually quiet all day.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090511T090000Z
DTEND:20090511T100000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:km1ikjk9rajnil8m6s84p51qv4@google.com
CREATED:20090511T103611Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090511T103611Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Walk. Wasn't too bad. RM.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090521T173000Z
DTEND:20090521T183000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:esbs87bu3aosn95bj2122sh8fc@google.com
CREATED:20090521T173325Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090521T173326Z
LOCATION:reproduction
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Assuming that overall level of intelligence isn't greatly influence
d by success in reproduction
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090613T200000Z
DTEND:20090613T210000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:s32690bpjok4gd9hbliu7uu00g@google.com
CREATED:20090614T215928Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090614T215944Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Two umbilical attacks. "Freak"\, and after outburst "My little frea
k boy".
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART;VALUE=DATE:20090516
DTEND;VALUE=DATE:20090517
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:l1o4sa0pb5hk20no85bsqbkqes@google.com
CREATED:20090516T222745Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090516T222745Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Mood : 6/10. Diet : 2/10. Ath : 5/10.
TRANSP:TRANSPARENT
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090429T133000Z
DTEND:20090429T143000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:vk37bha2quv163ap3dbgggi2t4@google.com
CREATED:20090429T163835Z
DESCRIPTION:This caused a great deal of stress\, accentuated by the fact I
was about to start production\, but had to stop. Again. Locked inside mind.
Triggered a cascade of memories of past stressful events. Violently releas
ed stress by slamming hand on table a couple of times. Had to lay down agai
n. Wanted to sleep it off but couldn't\, as it'd mean I'd go out of sync wi
th the rest of society and undoubtedly be disturbed when trying to sleep th
e following day. All I really want is freedom but it comes at the price of
more external control at a later date.\n\nI find myself getting more and mo
re trapped when these events occur. I think they are designed so that I am
unable to fight back. I have already beaten them internally. The problem is
that I have nowhere external to direct the pattern that would nullify the
source of this conflict. So the ignorance from which this prison originates
is perpetuated in the network that connects the majority of people - and I
am constantly reminded that if I do not find a place within it\, by its ve
ry nature the outcome is that I should not deserve to live. I have become a
cage and an amplifier for the conflicts caused by incompatibilities of nod
es in a poorly designed system. \n\nThe amount of stress is unbearable and
it seems there is little I can do to change the situation\, aside from slee
ping\, or staying indoors - both defences which they have recently learned
to dissolve through loud noise. Also\, staying indoors makes me look like a
rotting corpse\, and I'm aware of this. It makes meeting people difficult.
It is not who I am. It is who I have been forced to become. \n\nI would li
ke to do something about this\, but they fuck with my head much more when I
am outdoors. EACH time I learn to cope they up the ante\, and continue unt
il I crack. I do not know why they are doing this. All I know is that whate
ver the justification it is probably not based on a world-view which I shar
e.
LAST-MODIFIED:20090506T200824Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Taunted again. Called a freak. (Umbilical).
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090523T160312Z
DTEND:20090523T170312Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:2arogj8uu8hefec8hfa9o137vc@google.com
CREATED:20090523T160312Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090523T160312Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:redirected energies.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090508T153000Z
DTEND:20090508T163000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:p2k0in19apq5c2l0e7difpaufo@google.com
CREATED:20090508T161104Z
DESCRIPTION:I look and feel different today. My face looks different. Uglie
r. I usually start to feel like this when I haven't been doing enough exerc
ise\, but I have been physically exerting myself a little more than usual t
he past few days.\n\nI need to get outside. To get some air and sunlight\,
and not have to worry about being the focus of negative attention.
LAST-MODIFIED:20090508T161850Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Something's changed.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090602T221656Z
DTEND:20090602T231656Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:iahlbppp5724fcekdfb3f978vo@google.com
CREATED:20090602T221656Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090602T221656Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:late attempt. 'fool'\, ext. screaming\, 'key'. i hate this
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART;VALUE=DATE:20090501
DTEND;VALUE=DATE:20090502
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:fn9msk4dsbsmoli8m9oo4bkhi0@google.com
CREATED:20090502T082955Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090502T082955Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Mood : 8/10. Diet : 3/10. Ath : 3/10.
TRANSP:TRANSPARENT
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090515T082814Z
DTEND:20090515T092814Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:qs1ai5m6vppbcua29kc7hv7hcc@google.com
CREATED:20090515T092814Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090515T112308Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:1
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:How do you escape a prison constructed from ignorance?
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART;VALUE=DATE:20090428
DTEND;VALUE=DATE:20090429
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:vsl6dq8qo9qe72sk6kbjpjh5ak@google.com
CREATED:20090428T224243Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090428T224243Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Mood : 8/10. Diet : 3/10. Ath : 3/10.
TRANSP:TRANSPARENT
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090525T190000Z
DTEND:20090525T200000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:ct1apvif0bh8auem29v0jl3vus@google.com
CREATED:20090525T192626Z
DESCRIPTION:Fools from every direction including umbilical. A large volume
of attacks today\, perhaps one of the highest. I am fucking happy that I've
been in the correct mindset to cope with it.\n\nScreaming outside\, mirror
ing the intensity of mine. \n\n\nPunish me for what you built. The energies
you didn't account for.
LAST-MODIFIED:20090525T195010Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Auditory doppleganger. Rec. Various insults\, attacks\, abuse. Some
rec.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090519T084303Z
DTEND:20090519T094303Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:o0f6cikmj21r7a2rolg5tocuko@google.com
CREATED:20090519T084303Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090519T084303Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Hidden umbil attacks throughout morn.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090525T215012Z
DTEND:20090525T225012Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:ku7d6um6d6mhrbt2mpnn2ckuik@google.com
CREATED:20090525T215012Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090525T215012Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Corruption of core + chaotic process
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090718T120123Z
DTEND:20090718T130123Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:fmfj98jc7tjp53srl9p7ngle8c@google.com
CREATED:20090718T120123Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090718T120123Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Don't cut it down. You don't know where it was headed.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090516T185245Z
DTEND:20090516T195245Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:q1d74f1cffisrv936u0rum4998@google.com
CREATED:20090516T212245Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090516T222620Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:1
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Snake and tail. Puppet. Downward spiral. Phi. Midnight. Masturbatio
n. Away down. Towards up. Vortex. Seeds through the floor.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090605T140000Z
DTEND:20090605T150000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:750ieuhrgl6cam9ovq8nbmikic@google.com
CREATED:20090605T145541Z
DESCRIPTION:Children screaming.
LAST-MODIFIED:20090605T145612Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Laughing : "Why"? "Because you failed". Something tiny.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART;VALUE=DATE:20090511
DTEND;VALUE=DATE:20090512
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:5qbm2rhq33qscv9o3c34t0hdic@google.com
CREATED:20090512T081251Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090512T081251Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Mood : 7/10. Diet : 4/10. Ath : 5/10.
TRANSP:TRANSPARENT
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090519T210000Z
DTEND:20090519T220000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:bni56fesu2bv52jmutrcdk0338@google.com
CREATED:20090519T212551Z
DESCRIPTION:My time is being wasted. The endeavour isn't entirely futile -
the general path I follow has led to some amazing spectacles : but\, if it
means I live without hope of a future\, it's difficult to muster up the ent
husiasm for day to day living (and my day to day life is fairly easy as far
as day to day lives go)\, let alone the will to achieve something of worth
. \n\nI need to have some positive new experiences. To become more sociable
\, if that is possible in my condition. I need a route to the future. To es
cape this chain of abuse (and trust me\, I am aware of the rewards you can
reap from self-flagellation - one thing it taught me was the importance of
reproduction\, for instance).\n\n\nOne other thing - was made aware of the
atrocities of the 'holocaust' today. Hundreds of billions of possible 'outc
omes' extinguished. Well\, perhaps they live on in other ways - subtle\, ch
aotic influences on our pathways. Aiding blind giants who forgot the ground
beneath them. \n\nInside the balls of a monkey somewhere\, the end of time
is hidden. Don't eat your own gametes.
LAST-MODIFIED:20090519T215515Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Today has been difficult. I've had too many days like this recently
.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090512T203000Z
DTEND:20090512T213000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:nvhevsh2okovlsl55q58v3fmd4@google.com
CREATED:20090512T203843Z
DESCRIPTION:and felt guilty about devouring entire timelines. \n\nI cannot
prove the scent of a rose. Yet I know what it is worth. There are undoubted
ly others who know. What I am unsure of is the way forward. The system of r
epresentation on which our communication is based does not allow for these
conclusions.\n\nWhat is required is a strengthened communication. Undeniabl
e. Inescapable. One which nullifies these abstract notions of self with the
least amount of damage possible. One which serves a greater level of conne
ction than the current\, such that we are able to let go of the selves our
current one has penned us into. Perhaps it's possible for these things to s
imply dissolve without friction\, provided the change is synchronized throu
ghout the species.\n\nIt happens everywhere. People proclaiming that "this
is the way". Science.\n\nMatching patterns. Keys and locks. It is not enoug
h to see it. It takes an undeniable connection to prove it. \n\nPerhaps tha
t is not entirely true.\n\nPerhaps proof does not matter without first inte
rnalizing the pattern to which it corresponds to. At least - matter enough
to change people\, to ignite the spark of recognition which would lead to t
he redefinition of the essence of themselves. \n\n\nI wonder sometimes if t
hey're trying to prove something to me. That this - where this path will le
ad - this is what it will lead to. A constant barrage of attacks from a see
mingly intangible source. Unable to defend themselves without being pushed
to the limits of self control. Which leads to the thought that so long as t
here is disagreement that this friction will exist. \n\nThe idea is that if
you have a truth so powerful that it transcends all systemic boundaries\,
it will become impossible to disagree. The implication being that if you ha
ve a system that is incapable of being verified by this truth then it is au
tomatically nullified. That disagreement is then impossible - that you do n
ot require a network of other organisms to validate or nullify your hypothe
ses (you are an idiot) - which is a largely inaccurate format anyhow\, nor
do you require a system of identity in which energies in certain formations
equal you - you can never travel down the wrong pathway.\n\nThis is what s
cience shoots for.
LAST-MODIFIED:20090512T212216Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Acknowledged the immense power and control which living organisms a
re granted
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090509T143000Z
DTEND:20090509T153000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:vb10j4vdg57iihm3n0chhmsmdg@google.com
CREATED:20090509T153918Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090509T153918Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Was going to go outside\, but decided to leave it.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090521T132602Z
DTEND:20090521T142602Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:m3u9emn3ea1gjf581o6s9dlbj8@google.com
CREATED:20090521T132602Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090521T132602Z
LOCATION:the forest. A way back into the maze.
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Buried in the forest. A way back into the maze.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090508T203000Z
DTEND:20090508T213000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:2tpnotm1dmjhan3v6e2bpg8mak@google.com
CREATED:20090508T205506Z
DESCRIPTION:I know what I want deep down. I want to be interacting with peo
ple. Making friends. Finding love. I had this all before\, but I lost faith
in it. I know that it's the only way though\, really - my best chance of a
route to the future\, and a good life.\n\nGeorge and James rang up tonight
\, offered a Jam\, but I turned them down. Why? Because 1) I have no idea w
ho I can trust any more and 2) I am ashamed of who I am. I am not who I wan
t to be. I am nowhere near who I want to be. And every single time I try to
get to where I want to be\, this phenomenon occurs. I sometimes feel as if
there's a hand guiding everything in my life (fool). That none of it is re
al (fool). That It's all choreographed. That is the only way I can explain
what's going on aside from it being all in my head.\n\nI need company. I do
not need a leash and a master.
LAST-MODIFIED:20090508T210436Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Unbearable lonliness coupled with awareness of the future and frust
ration.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090601T093000Z
DTEND:20090601T103000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:8g1p79k9lp2r8l5qahqlm0iq7k@google.com
CREATED:20090601T094157Z
DESCRIPTION:but it'll happen eventually. it always does. they take me to th
e very brink of insanity and then shut it off\, but give it 6-24 hrs and it
'll be back here again. and again. and again. and again. and again.
LAST-MODIFIED:20090601T094342Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Nothing so far.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090524T220000Z
DTEND:20090524T230000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:ugkbd0adsrfk3of8g3ilr82qk8@google.com
CREATED:20090524T222446Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090524T222446Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Escaped for a while. Piling on the insults again.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090514T190506Z
DTEND:20090514T200506Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:10s8c3n49ttgabugl5vbgh2lig@google.com
CREATED:20090514T190506Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090514T190506Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Walk. Mixed reactions.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART;VALUE=DATE:20090527
DTEND;VALUE=DATE:20090528
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:u4ovb2ht868rfehobdvd0e8v74@google.com
CREATED:20090528T062550Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090528T062550Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Mood : 5/10. Diet : 5/10. Ath : 2/10.
TRANSP:TRANSPARENT
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090623T180000Z
DTEND:20090623T190000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:j3p471ulspkjfcrvbffu2u10s4@google.com
CREATED:20090623T182637Z
DESCRIPTION:Recently I was talking to my father\, explaining why I had litt
le choice but to move away : outside\, somebody responded "yeah\, that's a
brilliant argument. spack." What's interesting is that it was the same voi
ce that had previously exclaimed "what a waste of a retard". \n\nI can't tr
ust what I hear enough to pin guilt on anyone\, but I am able to trust it e
nough to react very strongly to it. This leaves me in a difficult position.
I am unable to gather any convincing physical evidence\, it has proven tri
ckier than it first appeared : my obstacle is that no recording equipment I
've used so far is sensitive and/or versatile enough to pick up clear audio
in moments of possible attacks. It lent me some small comfort knowing that
if an attack did occur\, I would be able to analyse the data in order to c
onfirm it\, but it has been prohivitably difficult to archive and analyse d
ata. \n\nTo clarify\, it is the apparent unresolvable nature of the problem
\, coupled with the apparent will of the perpetrator(s) to prolong my suffe
ring with little to no remorse that is so agonizingly frustrating. It is no
t confined to voices.\n\nI am worried about what I might do if I am not abl
e to find some closure soon. There is no sign of the outbursts of aggressio
n subsiding\, At the moment the best I can do is \, which makes their job s
lightly more difficult\, but does not make me immune if I wish to do more t
han sit in a room.
LAST-MODIFIED:20090623T190141Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:I haven't posted for a while.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART;VALUE=DATE:20090514
DTEND;VALUE=DATE:20090515
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:oso5jdf99190dj7pbb6ernnaqc@google.com
CREATED:20090515T072615Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090515T072615Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Mood : 6/10. Diet : 6/10. Ath : 5/10.
TRANSP:TRANSPARENT
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART;VALUE=DATE:20090507
DTEND;VALUE=DATE:20090508
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:9dv6eu13oj161fuuhtai4k0ct4@google.com
CREATED:20090508T110108Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090508T110108Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Mood : 7/10. Diet : 6/10. Ath : 7/10.
TRANSP:TRANSPARENT
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090504T220000Z
DTEND:20090504T230000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:orhsf40u98pt8g2rj4c99qggus@google.com
CREATED:20090504T221407Z
DESCRIPTION:James rang\, turned him away again. I don't have anything to sa
y. I am not who I want to be. I cannot have real friendships in this situat
ion. Not while I'm stuck in this place. Besides that\, I'm always reminded
that I can't trust people\, that there's something going on.
LAST-MODIFIED:20090504T221407Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Nothing of note.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090503T183000Z
DTEND:20090503T193000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:opepgj17ener90ubui235h3klg@google.com
CREATED:20090503T185052Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090503T185052Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Congregation outside. Quiet ALL day.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090516T211224Z
DTEND:20090516T221224Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:4ikuso2sdeimdt8e4ummaj6ogg@google.com
CREATED:20090516T211224Z
DESCRIPTION:Had to remind myself of the thoughts I was capable of before. N
ot quite sure how to get back there.\n\nHave been here before too.\n\nI'm t
rying to find a link between worlds. Something dark contained within me tha
t as yet cannot be penetrated by light.
LAST-MODIFIED:20090516T223158Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Walk. Felt totally empty. Void of any thought beyond surface.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART;VALUE=DATE:20090517
DTEND;VALUE=DATE:20090518
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:un9eqthaijqi145eb0b1uup27s@google.com
CREATED:20090517T225814Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090517T225814Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Mood : 5/10. Diet : 2/10. Ath : 5/10.
TRANSP:TRANSPARENT
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090502T120000Z
DTEND:20090502T130000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:hop5dktsilrjoasod2ooujpnis@google.com
CREATED:20090502T115733Z
DESCRIPTION:No noteworthy chatter at all up until now.
LAST-MODIFIED:20090502T115812Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Distinct activation.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090524T163753Z
DTEND:20090524T173753Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:730khe8hshna1gqtaveh551is0@google.com
CREATED:20090524T163753Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090524T163753Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:prisoner yet again.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090429T090000Z
DTEND:20090429T100000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:hdasonfr5abr51gcki0nrlthc8@google.com
CREATED:20090429T102330Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090429T102330Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Taunted. Got stressed. Called a fool. Had to lie down.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090528T060000Z
DTEND:20090528T070000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:m25uvf6lnh34bm9i06etvgacco@google.com
CREATED:20090528T055400Z
DESCRIPTION:I can only guess at the reasoning behind it\, although I have m
y suspicions. I do expect that the decision to go ahead with it was preclud
ed by an opportune set of circumstances. Their techniques are subtle but ea
sy enough to reverse engineer - very little worth in trying\, it appears -
leads simply to wasted energy and added frustration. It's clear that 'they'
have very little remorse\, pushing me beyond the threshold of sanity on a
fairly regular basis. Again\, I can only speculate\, but while their action
s are a catalyst for my desire for freedom they are not the ultimate source
of it. The (capitalist) world (though it could be any other) is a constant
reminder of the control and influence others would have over us. That is t
he world that dictates the structures of a great deal of communication betw
een organisms - ergo\, to escape it completely would mean having to escape
from their most prominent network of connection. That is not only proving i
mpossible but seems to have worked in the favour of my ego management progr
amme.\n\nThere are other ways. I do not wish to protect my ego - I wish to
protect my sanity\, my ability to act rationally. It is exhausting. Being t
he puppet of a master I do not have enough information to comprehend is slo
wly grinding away my will to live or act. Don't think of a cow.
LAST-MODIFIED:20090528T063610Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Seems to be an attempt at some sort of induced ego death.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090608T190000Z
DTEND:20090608T200000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:2i76hvj3qvhrl3ah8istu4ehm4@google.com
CREATED:20090608T190223Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090608T190223Z
LOCATION:puppeteering.
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Screaming far away. Seems to be an attempt at puppeteering.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090517T153000Z
DTEND:20090517T163000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:pdi847di4411nmv3gd6g3er9s8@google.com
CREATED:20090517T152247Z
DESCRIPTION:Indechipherable comment.
LAST-MODIFIED:20090517T152320Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Drink exactly one caffinated beverage.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090522T103000Z
DTEND:20090522T113000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:8h6hfd747grb6gvoopk1nu87a8@google.com
CREATED:20090522T103037Z
DESCRIPTION:the factors with the greatest positive influence on overall men
tal efficiency are moderate exercise and a moderately high dose of caffeine
- although these may be in conjunction with a more subtle balance of less
notable habits and activities. Still\, it is likely that there is a cyclica
l element affecting my mood. It has as yet been rather difficult to pin dow
n the exact rhythm / cause of this.
LAST-MODIFIED:20090522T174549Z
LOCATION:the present moment in time\,
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:It seems as though\, at the present moment in time\,
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART;VALUE=DATE:20090524
DTEND;VALUE=DATE:20090525
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:vduhdv74hidpgqdd92kr2v6ig0@google.com
CREATED:20090524T221954Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090524T221954Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Mood : 4/10. Diet : 6/10. Ath : 5/10.
TRANSP:TRANSPARENT
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090511T170000Z
DTEND:20090511T180000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:0t4jk1mlte4qhf8r4onmr3va7c@google.com
CREATED:20090512T081331Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090512T220639Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Walk again. Was a serene evening.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090501T220000Z
DTEND:20090501T230000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:5ogrgkvg89cc5goskbddikgmo8@google.com
CREATED:20090502T083012Z
DESCRIPTION:Got some parts for a PC today so was concerned mainly with that
. A few small incidents throughout the day. Worst came from a congregation
outside the house in the evening. This is happening more regularly\, althou
gh there have been blips now and again over the past couple of years. Umbil
ical prodding hidden behind humming.
LAST-MODIFIED:20090502T084044Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Not much to say.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090512T143000Z
DTEND:20090512T153000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:6qs3093s2df7rrvckvs7g1jcvg@google.com
CREATED:20090512T220013Z
DESCRIPTION:Derogatory comments through wall.
LAST-MODIFIED:20090512T220027Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Lifted weights. Backlash (what are muscles for?)
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090519T085756Z
DTEND:20090519T095756Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:pa0flpc9edi98j6i67m8i62v4k@google.com
CREATED:20090519T085757Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090519T212351Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Rm. Several sightings throughout period.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090510T120000Z
DTEND:20090510T130000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:v0oasfa1630cvspee2nctpmtoo@google.com
CREATED:20090510T143743Z
DESCRIPTION:Just got up and walked out. Just like the old times of four mon
ths ago - joggers and marketing. It feels like someone has put them there t
o incite some kind of reaction or behavioural response from me. It makes me
extremely uncomfortable\, I had to change routes a number of times to avoi
d it. Gave some directions on the way home. In hindsight\, that also makes
me uncomfortable.\n\nThe prison walls aren't necessarily anchored in space.
Misunderstood universe and control of eternity based upon it. Implanting r
eason on that which in time would be much greater. Table\, chair\, neuter.
Folding into three dimensions. Irrelevant data. Why me. \n\n\nThey are fuck
ing doing it again.
LAST-MODIFIED:20090510T145430Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Went for a walk.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090506T153000Z
DTEND:20090506T163000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:i44be97351fm7337r10e0tespk@google.com
CREATED:20090506T154144Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090506T154144Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Shouting outside.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART;VALUE=DATE:20090613
DTEND;VALUE=DATE:20090614
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:usfhdjcl0o408thbvfabhqalvs@google.com
CREATED:20090614T215948Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090614T215948Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:1.
TRANSP:TRANSPARENT
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART;VALUE=DATE:20090531
DTEND;VALUE=DATE:20090601
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:aochol9l5nmnsnutvpgo462tp4@google.com
CREATED:20090601T092004Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090601T092004Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Mood : 1/10. Diet : 6/10. Ath : 4/10.
TRANSP:TRANSPARENT
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090502T173000Z
DTEND:20090502T183000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:ccr2ro2296a8jd38pcuifnq3rc@google.com
CREATED:20090502T175551Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090502T175616Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:CongRegation outside. Reasonably quiet up until now.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090630T153000Z
DTEND:20090630T163000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:g7imgag86n8ni44m3pf45ub38g@google.com
CREATED:20090630T153008Z
DESCRIPTION:Attacks whilst writing this.\n\nIt seems that any external trig
ger signifying somebody's negative judgement of me (regardless of its origi
n or how sure I am of it occurring outside of my head) causes me to jump to
a negative assessment of whatever I am doing at the time. I have been trai
ned/conditioned to instantly jump to a perspective which is both valid in a
social context and that also validates the aforementioned negative assessm
ent. What follows then is a battle of internal constructs\, one or more bei
ng a representation of the attacking external 'egos'\, or sets of rules on
which the entities appear to base themselves - and my own ever shifting rep
resentation of myself. \n\nI'm quite sure that some of my major problems th
us far have been related to the phenomenon - in order to co-exist with the
people around me\, my internal representation of myself (at least\, the one
that makes the decisions) has had to shift to fit with theirs. When I am c
hallenged\, this representation becomes invalid and I am compelled to shift
to a representation which is more in line with universal principles (but a
pparently not conducive to social interaction and by extension productivity
\, heath\, and reproductive goals) in order to 'beat' them\, to protect my
'self''. These two forms of internal representation seem to be incompatible
- I believe that perhaps the popular representation of self that I have be
en exposed to in others has become disconnected from a connective origin\,
therefore "perspective based" incompatibilities between selves emerge (a wa
ll is built between our imaginary selves and the origin. thus a divide seem
s more apparent\, and the ultimate truth appears to be the self). It is obv
ious which one is more in line with an empirical 'truth'. \n\nA lot of my e
nergy over the past months has been spent on this power-struggle between un
iversal and socio-centric internal representation\, and I feel as if I am r
outinely being forced to choose a side on somebody else's whim.
LAST-MODIFIED:20090701T180730Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Increased attacks today. Past few days have been quiet*
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090603T203000Z
DTEND:20090603T213000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:t0f8viuadgvgpvjr2mebumbupo@google.com
CREATED:20090603T211717Z
DESCRIPTION:me not able to do anything about it.
LAST-MODIFIED:20090603T212747Z
LOCATION:plain sight\,
SEQUENCE:1
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:People doing and saying things in plain sight\,
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART;VALUE=DATE:20090505
DTEND;VALUE=DATE:20090506
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:nbnt2ea330cg9seltn85i4i0mk@google.com
CREATED:20090506T093914Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090506T093914Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Mood : 7/10. Diet : 6/10. Ath : 6/10.
TRANSP:TRANSPARENT
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090518T090000Z
DTEND:20090518T100000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:opp6tuck5515eqhlqbnke0bu1c@google.com
CREATED:20090518T095900Z
DESCRIPTION:Came out with "I'm a fool" while communicating.
LAST-MODIFIED:20090518T095918Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Fairly heavy onslaught of umbilical attacks. Strangely\, depression
is the prominent reaction as opposed to stress.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090517T135026Z
DTEND:20090517T142026Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:m65cjilfg4j8vq41p2ce5n40co@google.com
CREATED:20090517T135026Z
DESCRIPTION:Feigned ignorance. pathway.\nTv. Ultra synchronisation\, divisi
on. Medieval differences In experience\, learned response. Guided perceptio
n.
LAST-MODIFIED:20090517T150216Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Abstract straight jacket. Dark matter. Cats.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090428T120000Z
DTEND:20090428T130000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:4b1m50jnb41ek1qitpvd1ikqjc@google.com
CREATED:20090428T223221Z
DESCRIPTION:Went reasonably well. Talked about alternatives to goal setting
. Discovered that the thread underpinning all stress triggers was control -
lack of it\, or the hyper awareness of external influences such as adverti
sing and news. Another big factor in stress and also linked to control is t
he assertion of opinions at me\, or more subtle attack vectors like repetit
ive noises designed to strip me of my will (forcing me to wake at a certain
time of day\, or noises which are coupled with a particular event\, and so
trigger a regression when that noise is heard again). In urban environment
s I often feel like I'm stuck in a prison for my mind\, like each sign and
billboard is an arrow pointing to oblivion.\n\nSocially\, I seem to be pret
ty incompatible. I had real trouble talking to Sam\, and probably ended up
sounding... like I lacked interest\, or arrogant. Perhaps I just sounded li
ke a retard. Truth is I lose control and can't "direct" my actions. I do wh
at ever I can to rid myself of responsibility for the situation. \nI don't
run in to much trouble describing my problems\, thoughts and ideas\, but in
terms of everyday interaction I have real trouble engaging with other peop
le.\n\nThinking in too much depth and volume of words is falling as a resul
t.\n\n(Worth noting\, Lisa muttered something that sounded like 'fool' on h
er way out. I wasn't too sure if I'd heard correctly\, but I never am. How
can I be?)
LAST-MODIFIED:20090507T171023Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Lisa / Sam.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090523T100000Z
DTEND:20090523T110000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:ac6fnrnghbpj3r3p9vl30eg324@google.com
CREATED:20090523T102011Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090523T102014Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:1
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Attacks. Mood is low. Feeling stressed and groggy.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090610T190000Z
DTEND:20090610T200000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:jsepv91b1g4n80uanl76n91rpg@google.com
CREATED:20090610T191400Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090610T191401Z
LOCATION:a liars world\, but that world won't last for long.
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:The truth has no future in a liars world\, but that world won't las
t for long.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART;VALUE=DATE:20090526
DTEND;VALUE=DATE:20090527
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:iqre4smiethrc0ok4ba65vddd8@google.com
CREATED:20090528T062514Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090528T062514Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:?
TRANSP:TRANSPARENT
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090515T092938Z
DTEND:20090515T102938Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:gh9fi79icc09o8bl46au4hhk84@google.com
CREATED:20090515T092938Z
DESCRIPTION:'Wanker' on the radio in the car.
LAST-MODIFIED:20090515T112258Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:'Dickhead' while walking past someone.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090515T073000Z
DTEND:20090515T083000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:ttbta1te3gqble7fh95oo3bqk4@google.com
CREATED:20090515T072638Z
DESCRIPTION:A magazine at the bottom of the stairs which reads "They've tor
n my family apart". This magazine is a few weeks old. We have thrown out la
ter ones.\n\nAlso\, situationally hidden umbilical space and fool.\n\nToday
I'm going to try to stay away from prison terminals. I feel my life coming
back when I do.
LAST-MODIFIED:20090515T073351Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Attacks have started.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090511T130000Z
DTEND:20090511T140000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:vk0bsmr3ae0tfeirsj21ju0i94@google.com
CREATED:20090511T164947Z
DESCRIPTION:Suggested group therapy for individuals suffering from psychose
s. I don't know. I think\, it'd be interesting to see if their symptoms mat
ch mine in any shape or form. Truth is I think the majority of the damage i
s psychological - but I'm more or less convinced there'd be an intensity mi
smatch in a regular group therapy session.
LAST-MODIFIED:20090511T170508Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Lisa / Sam. Worked out pretty well.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090517T142718Z
DTEND:20090517T145718Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:5d5f1fo6a5us885g4df2k84eog@google.com
CREATED:20090517T142718Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090517T150218Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:2
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Pre-emptively placed doppleganger
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART;VALUE=DATE:20090509
DTEND;VALUE=DATE:20090510
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:hrhphdpp2ng1rnv026v2lr4d2k@google.com
CREATED:20090510T073902Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090510T073902Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Mood : 4/10. Diet : 6/10. Ath : 5/10.
TRANSP:TRANSPARENT
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090701T090000Z
DTEND:20090701T100000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:csl0r1q839689nn0qhk5gljrnc@google.com
CREATED:20090701T091549Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090701T180632Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Abnormal noise levels in morning\, plus possible umbilical.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090609T210000Z
DTEND:20090609T220000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:et8878q61pukjidi0slu6jhi8o@google.com
CREATED:20090609T205816Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090609T205816Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Seems like they're ramping it up again.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090514T080000Z
DTEND:20090514T090000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:5ra1itudarp3ac95ujh9vehc1s@google.com
CREATED:20090514T081541Z
DESCRIPTION:There's (at it's lightest\, every few days\, at it's heaviest\,
every 30 seconds) an audible reaction to certain actions I take or do not
take. If I confront them or try to reason with them\, I generally hear "a n
egative label" unless my argument is perfect. For example\, if I can't deci
de what to eat\, or I decide to eat something too unheallthy\, I can be lab
elled a failure or "fail". There are plenty of other small actions I make t
hroughout the day which I'm judged for. Sometimes the audible reactions are
n't single words but phrases ("I hate you"\, "He/You ruined it") or cheers
or mechanical noises like sirens\, chainsaws\, etc.\n\nAm being called stup
id for writing this.\n\nThe last thing I want to do is become my problems b
ut it seems he's/she's/they're all I have to talk about at the moment.
LAST-MODIFIED:20090514T105431Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Pinned down a pattern.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090519T153000Z
DTEND:20090519T163000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:88l27glcepq4b88ajkus9nkhog@google.com
CREATED:20090519T153314Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090519T153326Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:And the reason it's so frustrating is that I can do or say nothing
about it.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090502T130000Z
DTEND:20090502T140000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:o79crjachaiekuv040e802dcf0@google.com
CREATED:20090502T131723Z
DESCRIPTION:Attack as soon as umbilical cord is reattached. (2:20).
LAST-MODIFIED:20090502T132203Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Almost nothing\, which is odd. (My mistake)
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090508T103000Z
DTEND:20090508T113000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:qu1mq7dg38calr4rfub6tdklns@google.com
CREATED:20090508T104211Z
DESCRIPTION:behind three way conversation.
LAST-MODIFIED:20090508T104241Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Hidden umbilical space.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090713T194447Z
DTEND:20090713T204447Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:umbmtdrmlpjp05n7pnn3e59gg4@google.com
CREATED:20090713T194447Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090713T194447Z
LOCATION:the drift? (civ)
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:x) is stuck in the drift? (civ)
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090523T122245Z
DTEND:20090523T132245Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:thdgl5sj4ja553mdg85al2jt58@google.com
CREATED:20090523T122245Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090523T122245Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:entering data into tracking device.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090517T223000Z
DTEND:20090517T233000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:b8phu07vtrve1nhinphcs120pg@google.com
CREATED:20090517T225928Z
DESCRIPTION:Feeling like I'm being watched\, and that the people watching a
re pleased with this result. This is based on pseudo-auditory feedback. It
is exhausting having to deal with their perceptually stunted observations e
ven after the smallest gesture. I'm unable to figure out why it is I can't
ignore them. Perhaps it's because they're bound to be right sometime. They'
re calling this the "fake you"\, because I removed the 's' from 'sometimes'
. Perhaps it's because I know that all the time they're there I can never b
e free. That even when they're wrong I'm still having to pour energy into t
he validation of their claims - or the assessment of the reality of the sit
uation. I do not want to be stuck here. I know what my life needs - I certa
inly know what I do not need more of. I need to become involved in a health
ier social climate - one in which I can feel comfortable that I will not be
attacked. I need to undergo a shedload of personal development. That canno
t come all the while I am being herded back into this room. I need to inter
nalise some beautiful systems.\n\nI also need to organise myself better and
work harder. This was something I was achieving fairly well before an all-
out attack by a high-percentage of the population. It is impossible to func
tion properly when these sorts of events occur - thus\, any system of work
which requires a modicum of continuity is ruptured. I am still debating whe
ther it is worth setting out on a path to the future\, or if they're going
to keep me imprisoned in the present until the path I choose pleases them.
I have my doubts that it is about 'fighting' for the future - the level of
attack was far too dangerous for them to have gone ahead with without a rea
son closer to their hearts than I imagine the evaluation of my desire to re
ach my destination against all odds would be.\n\nI am aware though that the
choices I make now have an untold effect on the future\, on time\, on the
'outcome'. Thus the choices I make are of untold importance. That said\, I
am positive that what matters most now is personal development - in discipl
ine\, in communication\, in understanding. I feel the former two would be e
xtremely difficult to achieve without company. The latter may be somewhat c
ompromised - it is the price you pay for joining a network which requires a
synchronised and communally predefined understanding of the external world
. I have been capable of keeping the worlds separate where my main connecti
on has been through a computer terminal - real life communication requires
you to share a much deeper 'core definition'. It requires you to be much mo
re dedicated\, to become deeply synchronized with certain 'truths'. At leas
t\, it does if you want to be accepted into the colony and not seen as a co
nstant outsider.
LAST-MODIFIED:20090518T100119Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Feeling empty\, shallow\, retarded and alone.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090518T210511Z
DTEND:20090518T220511Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:ti1ri2akgvl679lv5mbo8kbpms@google.com
CREATED:20090518T210511Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090518T210511Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Aromatherapy association attempt?
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090512T080000Z
DTEND:20090512T090000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:g2nae9fb49asbu2l00efltlsjk@google.com
CREATED:20090512T081532Z
DESCRIPTION:It is probably not wise to live as if my life depended on it\,
however. \n\nOn a slightly unrelated note\, I think an umbilical node is at
tempting perception management. To throw others off the scent\, or to make
any claim I make less believable. It sounds like classic paranoia but this
is what she's good at. I wonder if she was a spy in a previous life. Also\,
she's been putting garlic in my fathers food\, who happens to hate garlic.
LAST-MODIFIED:20090512T220109Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Today I'm feeling more like I'm able to achieve something.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090530T110000Z
DTEND:20090530T120000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:hq7brfmml07bbfu5t2kif0k8go@google.com
CREATED:20090530T111939Z
DESCRIPTION:I have all sorts of ideas as to why this phrase is being used\,
but it's not really worth thinking about if I'm never going to have any co
nfirmation. I am sick of wasting my energy.
LAST-MODIFIED:20090530T112119Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:"He's Learning" has been a staple phrase the entire week.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090515T113000Z
DTEND:20090515T123000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:lu02clogkl023723t2lenffgro@google.com
CREATED:20090515T112707Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090515T112707Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:RNA\, a molecule from which the simplest self-replicating structure
s
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090519T120000Z
DTEND:20090519T130000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:1nqjr1rkmq57ocbvbl758kgsbg@google.com
CREATED:20090519T122532Z
DESCRIPTION:I like automated systems. They have their downsides\, but they
don't judge you.\n\nNot unless they're programmed to.
LAST-MODIFIED:20090519T122613Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:1
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Applied for Employment and Support Allowance.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090523T200000Z
DTEND:20090523T210000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:2cr8fof99p4kjfojv7noe177co@google.com
CREATED:20090523T195259Z
DESCRIPTION:Most notably\, the lack of any systemic connection to the origi
n or truth. The implication being that within the environment\, the connect
ions on which unification is based are fallacies in the context of the natu
ral progression of the origin.It is better to not think in terms of absolut
e truths\, but in this case it is an acceptable approximation\, as the 100%
probability window is very large (the entirety of the biological populatio
n of the planet bar ourselves are capable of creating systems to enhance th
eir probability of survival\, reproductive success\, etc\, in complete harm
ony with the systems from which they originate). mother and baby counter ar
gument. umbilical cords\, etc.
LAST-MODIFIED:20090523T200456Z
LOCATION:an environment that is under complete control.
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Spending a large chunk of your life interfacing with a computer ale
rts you to the downsides of an living in an environment that is under compl
ete control.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090512T220000Z
DTEND:20090512T230000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:4uag1tobov3g7k4bu5r91oppcc@google.com
CREATED:20090512T220818Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090512T220918Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Am cursing my situation's lack of mating windows.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090430T210000Z
DTEND:20090430T220000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:rtcqer9vopmgstr0bpogh81fj8@google.com
CREATED:20090430T213451Z
DESCRIPTION:It's worth noting that there were at least 2 incidents of umbil
ical poisoning today. One of these raised my levels of stress to uncontroll
able levels. It seems that umbilical poisoning increases when there are mor
e members around - almost all instances are hidden behind some situational
defence which is usually enabled by other members\, although in this partic
ular case\, the second situational defence was not a member. \n\nThere was
also a fair amount of jabber that I was unable to assign to specific entiti
es - this is what usually drives the stress level up. These are the most in
teresting\, as there's definitely an external source. \n\nI am slightly con
cerned for Ottman.
LAST-MODIFIED:20090507T171200Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Had a shit day again today\, but don't really have the energy to ta
lk about it.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090607T171753Z
DTEND:20090607T181753Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:if58kjbd21obvrrfhibcm9mfs4@google.com
CREATED:20090607T171753Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090607T171753Z
LOCATION:the future. Closer. Far away. Trace lightning.
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Point in the future. Closer. Far away. Trace lightning.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090503T200000Z
DTEND:20090503T210000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:22u1cv0bj2h0r4q47ng7fbgdrg@google.com
CREATED:20090503T201122Z
DESCRIPTION:If that isn't a completely fucked up thing to do\, I don't know
what is. I think the action is designed to raise my level of internal conf
lict - I'm supposed to feel guilty for eating a few of the many sweets I bo
ught my father as a gift. This has been happening for months - my brother m
ade it obvious the first time it happened (which was the night after I let
him know I had eaten a couple) by throwing the ham I had bought myself away
and buying a new pack\, which he proceeded to chew up. He must have talked
to my parents about it - I distinctly remember the night when I suspect he
did\, there was a lot of offensive chatter going on. I thought it would st
op with him\, but I must have been wrong. Now as a 'lesson'\, I can underst
and the intent. I understand it was not the right thing to do. However\, my
actions were more akin to eating 10 of 100 slices of ham - not chewing up
the entire pack. Not only that\, but by skipping the confrontation\, they d
id not allow a civil resolution. If I were to have lied when confronted\, I
can see how the lesson would be appropriate. The action is an assertion. I
t is saying : we are going to skip confrontation because we believe we are
correct and that you are guilty\, you cannot fight it\, and we are allowed
to punish you as we see fit without trial - without the chance to say you'r
e sorry\, without the chance to explain yourself. \n\nThis is completely fu
tile as far as I'm aware. The attitude of my captors is impenetrable. Reach
ing the window of opportunity would require great dedication to something I
know to be false. The cultural fingerprints and social networks on which t
hey base their understanding of the universe have little in conjunction wit
h mine\, and yet - the choices I make in my life have to please them\, to b
e acceptable from their frame of reference\, else I am taunted and called a
fool and have mindgames played on me - I am not able\, then\, to place gre
at value on my choices\, and the consequences I judge them to have. I must
either : value the quantization of self that others define\, and value ONLY
the choices I make in regards to that self - or regard the quantization of
self that others define as unimportant\, (because that is the only way I c
an make choices based on anything other than that frame of reference withou
t punishment destroying me). Of course then\, my chances of reproduction ar
e fairly slim. I am concerned about what the effect of living a lie and bas
ing my understanding of the universe on a lie will have on my reproductive
choices and the ramifications for the new generations. Should survival real
ly depend on the ability to lie to yourself? So far\, the greatest strides
have been rooted in truth. Universal truth.\n\n\nIt wouldn't bother me so m
uch if it weren't the only grease free source of protein in the house. That
wouldn't bother me so much either\, if I could walk outside the house to t
he shop without the fear of being metaphysically shot at.\n\nThis is the ki
nd of thing I am trapped with. Guilt\, paranoia\, betrayal - deliberate blo
ws. Over and over and over and over. I am punished for every choice. I am c
onstantly being scrutinized. Life cannot work like this.\n
LAST-MODIFIED:20090503T205542Z
LOCATION:its container.
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Someone has chewed up the ham and put it back in its container.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090522T150000Z
DTEND:20090522T160000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:ehvad10jbr1bdre8gfi1h05fas@google.com
CREATED:20090522T140534Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090522T140534Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Umbilical "Retarded". Umbilical "Spastic".
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090522T140000Z
DTEND:20090522T150000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:hav2n6l7p9nhsalrk6mfreki4k@google.com
CREATED:20090522T135912Z
DESCRIPTION:(Connective patterns)? Patterns around which unifications are b
ased. Impurity - gold teeth. Handbags. Television commercials. \n\nEnvironm
ental symbiosis. Optical symbiosis. Losing our way\, lost in and becoming a
genetic maze - spiralling into patterns which consume themselves\, degener
ate into limbless self-referential doorways to themselves. If we evolved fr
om monkeys\, how comes there are still monkeys? (It's a way in for someone
who's not already here).\n\n\nYou'll have to get out and walk. That's if yo
u think the lights you're seeing indicate something worth reaching. There a
re no roads in the forest\, nor any trails laid. No more road signs telling
you where somebody else thinks you are.\n\n"You're looking in the wrong pl
ace" "Failure"
LAST-MODIFIED:20090522T173929Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Naively designed methods of synchronization between human beings ac
count for many of our atrocities.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090507T213000Z
DTEND:20090507T223000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:b2r3bj99oa2in6c9mo34t0jroc@google.com
CREATED:20090507T215233Z
DESCRIPTION:Mood lifted toward the evening.
LAST-MODIFIED:20090508T104458Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:A relatively good day.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090525T214303Z
DTEND:20090525T224303Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:rk8tfjqsu1qd32hh0d4075i838@google.com
CREATED:20090525T214303Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090525T214303Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Give a fool control and hell by proxy
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART;VALUE=DATE:20090525
DTEND;VALUE=DATE:20090526
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:4i54j3jam2bunaqsea8hitopls@google.com
CREATED:20090526T201230Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090526T201230Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Mood : 4/10. Diet 5/10. Ath 5/10.
TRANSP:TRANSPARENT
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090606T150646Z
DTEND:20090606T160646Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:1rv3blir9cuvn1uir1avtg3vds@google.com
CREATED:20090606T150646Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090606T150646Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:This lie has done a good job of burying the truth.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090509T183000Z
DTEND:20090509T193000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:s3pqdrcoeglsbft4unpd26q1q0@google.com
CREATED:20090509T192457Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090509T192457Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Out of hours team. Had a consstructive conversation.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090529T190000Z
DTEND:20090529T200000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:lf4l4vi0b66kkotqjn12njk60k@google.com
CREATED:20090529T220100Z
DESCRIPTION:Punched a hole in the wall. I think I may have damaged myself q
uite badly this time.
LAST-MODIFIED:20090529T231107Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:A bunch of shit.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090508T193000Z
DTEND:20090508T203000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:m9lghsim3hte1in2vjvgako930@google.com
CREATED:20090508T192852Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090508T192852Z
LOCATION:studio. More comments. Expecting backlash.
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Still in studio. More comments. Expecting backlash.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090606T090000Z
DTEND:20090606T100000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:upokdqki13ih3sh94603g7m5cg@google.com
CREATED:20090606T091640Z
DESCRIPTION:It's been quiet since about Wednesday.
LAST-MODIFIED:20090606T104614Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:No umbilical since the beginning of the week.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090512T133000Z
DTEND:20090512T143000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:qf8tc9ccnobepqcb599d9rfs5g@google.com
CREATED:20090512T215946Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090512T215946Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Walk. Nothing outstanding.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090531T220017Z
DTEND:20090531T230017Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:ee5ck2995crddncghm0l4t1s5s@google.com
CREATED:20090531T220017Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090601T124125Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:"what a waste of a retard". broke bathroom door from hinges. need t
o get away from here soon.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090606T130000Z
DTEND:20090606T140000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:m12u2nsf9agm4qrstlqop6aclo@google.com
CREATED:20090606T130450Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090606T132850Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Umbilical Geek. Said just before leaving\, no chance of retaliation
. Unbearabl# stresss..l.\,
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090503T123000Z
DTEND:20090503T133000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:8qlp7eg37q62om9r2n1g27kup0@google.com
CREATED:20090503T124445Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090503T124445Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Some aggressive blips. Otherwise quiet.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090607T172053Z
DTEND:20090607T182053Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:fqodnv30kd6ms1iil6k310tkhc@google.com
CREATED:20090607T172053Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090607T172053Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:The mistake you make is trusting the name your mother gave you.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090514T133000Z
DTEND:20090514T143000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:o9746jc6cp0tdko9968edrl3do@google.com
CREATED:20090514T165740Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090514T165747Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Walk. No bad dreams. RM.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090530T213000Z
DTEND:20090530T223000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:muvks6tbd4721gj4i4nhb8tjrc@google.com
CREATED:20090530T221936Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090530T221936Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Headaches
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090501T080000Z
DTEND:20090501T090000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:rsasg1be9nk7asgd7ft7t8bl5s@google.com
CREATED:20090501T074844Z
DESCRIPTION:8:50 : Obligatory chainsaw.\n\n8:55 : Ottman speaking under the
guise of talking to cats. Actually talking to no-one.
LAST-MODIFIED:20090501T075636Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:They've started.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART;VALUE=DATE:20090510
DTEND;VALUE=DATE:20090511
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:0n9hge2i9lo6ufq16ke9guju14@google.com
CREATED:20090511T100001Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090511T100037Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Mood : 3/10. Diet : 3/10. Ath : 6/10.
TRANSP:TRANSPARENT
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART;VALUE=DATE:20090430
DTEND;VALUE=DATE:20090501
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:2s696s11jtgerkavpoga0fnm9k@google.com
CREATED:20090430T215452Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090430T215452Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Mood : 3/10. Diet : 3/10. Ath : 4/10.
TRANSP:TRANSPARENT
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090527T160000Z
DTEND:20090527T170000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:rbfv5nnfkmrqokhnpqvitehfsc@google.com
CREATED:20090528T055309Z
DESCRIPTION:"Fool" was pretty much undeniable. Which makes me a fool.
LAST-MODIFIED:20090528T055334Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:"Little Idiot" and "Fool"\, umbilical.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090520T150000Z
DTEND:20090520T160000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:brg6uuvcfaja9hte4qrl2hb5j4@google.com
CREATED:20090520T150544Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090520T150544Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Attacks from children throughout the day. Short bout of umbilical.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART;VALUE=DATE:20090523
DTEND;VALUE=DATE:20090524
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:vvdbhcrfgr1tc30c9b4t1j11b8@google.com
CREATED:20090524T141811Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090524T141811Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Mood : 2/10. Diet : 3/10. Ath : 4/10.
TRANSP:TRANSPARENT
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090525T153000Z
DTEND:20090525T163000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:us5k85bsjc2marmrbu3j3g0o0o@google.com
CREATED:20090525T155356Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090525T164216Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:1
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Attacks. Attacks. Attacks. Attacks. Attacks. Attacks.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090516T220000Z
DTEND:20090516T230000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:bfv4g48e8ji4jbgs0no2q7mbv4@google.com
CREATED:20090516T222832Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090516T222832Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Starting to get cravings for caffiene. Staying awake later.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART;VALUE=DATE:20090605
DTEND;VALUE=DATE:20090606
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:kokbts61inci94nhfphmujob8o@google.com
CREATED:20090606T091356Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090606T091356Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Mood : 7/10. Diet : 5/10. Ath : 8/10.
TRANSP:TRANSPARENT
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART;VALUE=DATE:20090604
DTEND;VALUE=DATE:20090605
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:ust82pjp0mtk4pb3943jrsv8b4@google.com
CREATED:20090604T223907Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090604T223907Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Mood : 6/10. Diet : 6/10. Ath : 5/10.
TRANSP:TRANSPARENT
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090519T091726Z
DTEND:20090519T101726Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:fjnj20qijh6aegj5gbvaabl3hc@google.com
CREATED:20090519T091726Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090519T091726Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:All i have is stories and trust.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090510T140000Z
DTEND:20090510T150000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:uhg3qsdjud65t274nj19ig0suo@google.com
CREATED:20090510T184232Z
DESCRIPTION:this one was spurred on by the desire to confront my triggers.
Instead I was treated to an influence parade. Some one/people is/are contro
lling this. \nI got a recording\, though as usual it is slightly ambiguous
- but still\, relatively clear. \nI felt like murdering them today.
LAST-MODIFIED:20090510T184943Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Went for another walk
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090514T215601Z
DTEND:20090514T225601Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:nbdnkt3kf1i99pvhgr3i3d8hv4@google.com
CREATED:20090514T215601Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090514T215601Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Wondering how I can switch between beliefs about my level of attrac
tiveness so rapidly.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090523T121609Z
DTEND:20090523T131609Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:b70n7u4gvlfsjhlra6l0be9h2k@google.com
CREATED:20090523T121609Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090523T130604Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Attacks from children in neighboring gardens. Recorded.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090510T180000Z
DTEND:20090510T190000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:6sdqcurl9mo8339e1p7rpturro@google.com
CREATED:20090510T183125Z
DESCRIPTION:There seems to be a desire underlying the will to communicate -
linked to reproduction perhaps\, or a subset of it. Communication in any f
orm always seems to hit a wall - although the force behind it serves to rai
se select sections of Atlantis from the ground. As yet no form serves the p
urpose better than reproduction - the desire to become others\, the desire
for others to become us. Synchronization between organisms. The judgement o
f validity. Other forms serve a purpose\, but all are destined to meet thes
e walls. To exist only within certain\, inevitably flawed within the contex
t of an all pervading truth\, parameters.
LAST-MODIFIED:20090510T190951Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Talked about communication.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090604T130000Z
DTEND:20090604T140000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:es0oddaueoh1dm8qg6s7uvrttc@google.com
CREATED:20090604T125253Z
DESCRIPTION:Glimpsed one in S.P. Traditional methods seem only to prolong t
he conflict. Can't quite put my finger on the source\, but it is clear that
becoming another voice of desperation is not going to be of any value to s
omebody who needs freeing.\nBeck / Zappa / Eminem. Needs sonic power. Needs
legitimacy. Lightgiver.
LAST-MODIFIED:20090604T202626Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:An effective weapon.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART;VALUE=DATE:20090609
DTEND;VALUE=DATE:20090610
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:ddgc8q6v3628jsmeh2o1e9j1g0@google.com
CREATED:20090610T191424Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090610T191424Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Mood : 5/10. Ath : 5/10. Diet : 3/10.
TRANSP:TRANSPARENT
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090701T180000Z
DTEND:20090701T190000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:f8kb483cqjlj0f5hf9fqs0rer0@google.com
CREATED:20090701T180409Z
DESCRIPTION:"What about control? Am I a fool for wanting that?"
LAST-MODIFIED:20090701T180556Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:"If you want freedom you're a fool."*
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090526T133000Z
DTEND:20090526T143000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:5ce2il3g64cpkv6d9qqmmj4ib8@google.com
CREATED:20090526T133138Z
DESCRIPTION:It should be noted that while self-monitoring and the admission
s of ones weaknesses that it forces you to make (ext. "slow down") can be d
ifficult to deal with\, the pursuit can be justified to oneself in the _nam
e_ of the truth. \n\nHaving your thoughts and actions monitored and comment
ed on by an external source however\, requires a bridge of assumptions to t
raverse the gulf of unknowns that are likely to be present (or not\, as the
case may be). In other words\, external monitoring\, especially when concl
usions are conveyed through derogatory terms and statements\, have little t
o do with _absolute truth_ and everything to do with a systems fallible int
erpretation of a truth\, in this case\, based upon a system of social under
standing.\n\n\nYour only link to the truth is destruction. Why? Because the
crux of your internal representation of yourself (and by extension the res
t of the universe) is based upon a system which can only exist in a form di
sconnected from absolute truth - the two conflict with each other. Not only
have you grown attatched (so attached you might commit suicide from shame)
to this representation but it is the basis for a system of global social u
nderstanding. Because the absolute truth and your representation of yoursel
f cannot co-exist\, you'd have to dismantle yourself and retrace your steps
to a time of relative purity in order to create a system of understanding
which did not conflict with universal principles - one that didn't conflict
with the truth. One which was not a lie.\n\n
LAST-MODIFIED:20090529T220109Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Some attacks. "He's learning" prevalent.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART;VALUE=DATE:20090522
DTEND;VALUE=DATE:20090523
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:9p268vfurc3ektr5srur2e9d8o@google.com
CREATED:20090523T101950Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090523T101950Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Mood : 5/10. Diet : 3/10. Ath : 5/10.
TRANSP:TRANSPARENT
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART;VALUE=DATE:20090429
DTEND;VALUE=DATE:20090430
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:8s16ku5gon3uhm16abs2j5jdl8@google.com
CREATED:20090429T225745Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090429T225817Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Mood: 3/10. Diet: 4/10. Ath: 4/10.
TRANSP:TRANSPARENT
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART;VALUE=DATE:20090528
DTEND;VALUE=DATE:20090529
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:an9rpif363u3nin27gd1uip6ak@google.com
CREATED:20090529T102755Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090529T102755Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Mood : 1/10. Diet : 5/10. Ath : 3/10.
TRANSP:TRANSPARENT
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090511T103000Z
DTEND:20090511T113000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:pftead66jkj6iiuhnkeltnva20@google.com
CREATED:20090511T103452Z
DESCRIPTION:Else I regret things\, and people destroy the person they creat
e from my actions - which inevitably effects whatever I really am in some s
hape or form.
LAST-MODIFIED:20090511T103741Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:I have to meticulously plan everything I do.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090521T115204Z
DTEND:20090521T125204Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:jao4069tb41i6pa63vevlm7cao@google.com
CREATED:20090521T115204Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090521T115204Z
LOCATION:lifestyle. the longer i stay like this the more corrupt i become.
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:need change in lifestyle. the longer i stay like this the more corr
upt i become.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090513T080000Z
DTEND:20090513T090000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:1pfhgh5f7kre9kkrgpfnim14pc@google.com
CREATED:20090514T081429Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090514T081429Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Computer was down today. Might be for a while.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090517T210000Z
DTEND:20090517T220000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:ulor5acfvtdg1moc7jj6aocqvo@google.com
CREATED:20090517T205512Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090517T230023Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:I'm beggining to realize I'm almost compelled to self destruct.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090607T160000Z
DTEND:20090607T170000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:n4uvh92fdcpepqvoovo4iqruk0@google.com
CREATED:20090607T160123Z
DESCRIPTION:LaughAble. Memory = set of rules.
LAST-MODIFIED:20090607T160141Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Hey little junction. To the other side. Wanna get out\, let me take
a ride.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090503T180000Z
DTEND:20090503T190000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:gc6grjcug2nighku711ko6aaro@google.com
CREATED:20090503T185134Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090503T185155Z
LOCATION:me.
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Freak was asserted at me in an umbilical fashion.
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART;VALUE=DATE:20090603
DTEND;VALUE=DATE:20090604
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:hof9m39sr64gs3hb8eam5c4gkg@google.com
CREATED:20090604T223826Z
DESCRIPTION:
LAST-MODIFIED:20090604T223836Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:? A fairly good day.
TRANSP:TRANSPARENT
END:VEVENT
BEGIN:VEVENT
DTSTART:20090602T123000Z
DTEND:20090602T133000Z
DTSTAMP:20100926T102105Z
UID:66ibqd87e47ddvhk32agrima2k@google.com
CREATED:20090602T124742Z
DESCRIPTION:forced adaptation - being told "you are X" and fighting that de
finition. Backfires because the network required to enforce that definition
is easily detected. It is obvious that the environment is being manipulate
d. The hell then becomes\, instead of fighting the definition\, fighting th
e network which is apparently responsible for this decision - knowing that
you are probably being watched all of the time\, that people are willing to
follow you for miles just to attack you\, to know all this and to not be a
ble to figure out why\, what for or how to stop it is extremely frustrating
. It has gotten to the point I can't take anything anyone says at face valu
e - things are said to influence me\, I have to constantly be on my toes an
d listen closely to everything or else let another attack through\, I have
to constantly think in terms of motivation and possible desired outcome. I
can't go outside because there are days when the attacks are piled on so th
ick and fast\, without any explanation as to why\, that I become extremely
frustrated and end up breaking down.\n\nIn short\, I imagine it was designe
d to force me to let go of a conventional interpretation of self\, or face
being pummelled to a pulp - the problem being that the sheer volume of atta
cks brings a conventional interpretation of *reality* into question. There
is NO WAY this simply resides in my head. I have recordings. I have evidenc
e. I am not about to go trying to prove it to the world\, I don't need to d
o that. What I do need is for it to stop happening. To understand why it is
happening. \n\nI would imagine that my only choice in terms of adaptation
would be to not give a fuck. That said I cannot just block out a huge chunk
of my environment\, especially when it points to a mistake in my interpret
ation of it. Having said that\, the level of stress I am experiencing at th
e moment is not conducive to a normal or healthy life\, for myself or the p
eople around me. \n\nIt makes me foam at the mouth to think that this was t
he result of someone else's decision. That my life\, however valueless it h
ad become\, has been condemned to this... the reason I followed this star w
as to see something different - and what I saw contradicts the reasoning\,
the frame of reference this decision was taken in. \n\nI think whatever the
outcome I am going to be left with a sour taste in my mouth.
LAST-MODIFIED:20090602T131733Z
LOCATION:
SEQUENCE:0
STATUS:CONFIRMED
SUMMARY:Possibly something to do with
TRANSP:OPAQUE
END:VEVENT
END:VCALENDAR
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)