Before inhabitation - I was developing, or tuning into, an intelligence spread throughout my internal network. My mind. It was, on occasion, a little disconcerting, but mainly useful - the challenge was applying that knowledge in a useful context, given the constraints on development of those around me due to the system they inhabited.
When my mind was 'inhabited', it seems that the 'balanced system' which allowed access and 'recursive development' of this intelligence over time was knocked out of 'sync'. That is, the inhabitants of my mind - the human ones - were very, very, innocent in comparison to (the complexity and nature of the moment to moment processing of) this intelligence - but as they existed within this space, that meant "I" experienced the dissonance between their intelligence and mine. It appeared to be 'burning me out of my mind' - though, it was, essentially, the 'momentary nature' of the interaction of our intelligences, along with the assertive manner in which it defined mine, which knocked this recursive system of intelligence out of balance.
Thus, I was holding on to what appeared to be the edge of the universe, protecting 'their minds' from the pain that the intelligence which 'my mind' would have caused them. That was the action the tenets of that intelligent system dictated - those tenets were the catalyst of the systems growth. As this occurred, it seemed as if these people were 'travelling through time' through me - they were also, seemingly, when communicating with me, completely misinterpreting me, belittling me from a social perspective - though I'm not sure if this was 'with intent', or a simple misinterpretation : they think, mostly, in character - it appears to be one of the 'base carriers' of their internal interpretation, their imagination, their 'currency', (which makes sense, given it is how emotional state is generally conveyed and interpreted) - mine appears to have been rooted far more in abstraction and generation of awareness and conscious state based on these abstractions - not emotionless, nor characterless per se (the attempt generally is to connect deeply, not forcefully), but certainly more neutral in terms of social hierarchy, instead with emphasis on interaction between 'forces' as the binding carrier element of internal state.
After this ordeal - and I'm nervous about using this word, as seemingly they have created a system which entangles language with their order - it felt like my soul was, again, teetering over a gigantic chasm, though this time I felt completely empty. It felt as though my soul was falling out of my body. I was frozen still in fear - trying not to die, or to harm those around me, to put it bluntly. Afterwards, some other people surrounded me - talking to me. It was around this point that my 'biological intelligence' exploded out of control.
Since then, my working creative intelligence has become severely retarded. Mainly 'trapped' inside word games or being bounced around by symbols strewn about the world. It's as if the world suddenly got very, very small, as these alternate forms of consciousness gained the ability to read / respond to my internal state. This was not the order I had in mind - I was actually attempting to use my intelligence for solving some of the more pressing social problems in todays world. To simply solve the problems that it could. Time, patience, focus, analysis, understanding, empathy, being 'realistic' - although on paper, that sounds slightly empty, I can assure you I was as realistic as possible given the constraints on my intelligence - the theory (not, the or y) accounted for everything it possibly could, empirically, systemically and more importantly, emotionally - wove it into a coherent whole. This is why I was 'slow' - possibility after possibility after possibility, all woven into a coherent state, a path chosen based on this principle. I was building a robust mind. 'Practicing'. This is possibly why the interception of its state is extremely painful, detrimental to my intelligence, and 'a bad idea'. It's misinterpreted. Causality is not regarded - this is a common theme in the environment of social interpretation here - an object or person is assessed, generally, based on their momentary state and the 'rules' of the distributed system which interprets this momentary state. (Simply put, the emphasis is largely on who and what, the scope of 'why and how' somewhat diminished).
They want me to play by 'their rules'. There's no way out there. And I would add, that 'their rules' are based an interpretation of the world which may not take into account alternate possibilities. Fixed frame of reference.
I do not believe in the assertion that "this is just the way the world is". It is the world that we make.
(It seems that the world I'm exposed to has been designed to 'contain' my intelligence - normally emotionally driven and developed with the intent to stabilize states or otherwise connect them. A giant maze which attempts to control emotion on a moment-to-moment basis, instead of allowing space for internal interpretation to develop.)
Eclipsed.
Sunday, 29 September 2013
Thursday, 26 September 2013
lalalalala i'm in a torture chamber lalalalala
(n^i universes writes) (lightning storm through carrier language duh) we'll erase his intelligence and make him a slobbering lunatic. that makes more sense. (cerebellum responds: we were working on a more thorough universal identity, where i is 99.999% the speed of 0, and where love rebalances that equation (rebalance, spack... cool whip. (in our social equation, whips are cool. in our social equation, spack is a less painful whip. in my social equation, the closed door is the emotional context - that understanding of emotion is carried by that context at all - the context is a 'moment' defined by our equation)).
amygdala is off crying in a corner due to ((planar in the sense of some geometric spectrum) cross section of n^i universes) flipping upside down and determining themselves rulers of my brain. both inside and out.
memory keeps forgetting about time. (habit of actively erasing the memory of traumatizing experiences developed, in place of active exploration and creation of intelligence, reiterated by host environment. which, in my mind, leaves now and no tomorrow.
(host environment shapes intelligence based on its perspective - one which I was attempting to steer clear from for the sake of the opportunity to develop different 'potential' carriers of intelligence and learn from them).
expansion
moment (i) closed off from developing (potential future) by external environment. host (potential future) growth retarded, resulting in a negative emotional response. moment (i) attempts to develop alternate route in complex plane. cycle continues. moment (i) declares developing (potential future) threatening to the emotion it was attempting to spread by developing (potential future). in other words, time no longer factors into the equation. (causality) is misrepresented there, as action in dreams - not dreams as balanced growth, or better defined as 'imaginary, emergent carrier of emotional state'. moment to moment reality, in contrast to 'simulation of moment to moment reality' in order to better define and navigate 'actual reality' in harmony with it.
(potential future) crosslinked with (dream). catalyst emotional state. (potential future) equating to 'soul'. apologies for the metaphysics. seems like some sort of virus spread across (planar in the sense of some geometric spectrum) cross section of time. perhaps a 'code' written to bias the emotional interpretation of social symbols applied to 'traitors'? also, be aware, that if you travel back in time based on this knowledge, you may inadvertently cause it - causality becoming fixed loops in the continuum.
it feels as though my brain was an incredibly complex network which is being filled with data at (from the perspective of the relative context matrix, absolute provided no interference) arbitrary points. this data appears to be being 'forced in'. the data is relatively simple, just forceful. (this follows a pattern throughout childhood. things attempting to force their way in. without regard for the state of the host.) this is causing strange behaviour in the parts of my mind 'not accounted for' - the 'inverse' of the weighted points? in complex space. dreams are forming in extremely frightening ways. though I wouldn't call them dreams. more like my soul is on fire. you could call it exciting, i guess. I'd much rather be a bumper car on rails screaming the date of my death while kids play football with my soul. except they're not kids. they know exactly what they're doing. it's torture. they just paint a smile on it. completely unnecessary, assuming you source knowledge from an 'absolute context matrix' from a 'relative position in time'.
possible phenomenon akin to nyquist freq reflection/aliasing? recursive curve in spacetime. creating some form of attractor.
the way to a mans heart, is, through his... uh... organs. depends on what species you are.
i'll note that (ny) seemed peaceful, and (the lol box) contained within (auditory stochastic resonance(?)), heard through pink noise, torturing mind, interfering with sleep cycles - pain was interpreted as a joke there. very real - attempting to 'shape' or 'burn in' my imagination - which, as mentioned above, a perspective I was trying to steer clear of internally, even if I could appreciate it fully from my the perspective of the system I was developing, active interference with that system is naturally painful. from external or internal sources.
reminded of a dream I had. hole in roof. sun blazing. blue phoenix leaving an egg with me. kindness (currency of absolute understanding (i.e. ability to decipher emotional state - compassionate understanding)). orphanage.
meanwhile, a general decides they're going to contain their unkindness (blindness?) in unsuspecting people
thus 'getting away with it', the action not appearing 'deliberate' < which, as a 'set' of states in which emotion is fully invested, defines the context which shapes a relative awareness of the world (which can 'appear' coherent and whole - though this means they confuse the states of emotion they perceive with their relative interpretation of them - at certain scales, this influences the state they perceive).
controlled by these languages - one which invariably leads to that imbalance - emotions contained within it, cauterized by it, until the catalyst for those emotions is lost. they do what they're told. they're told the wrong thing. mirrorballs.
dreams of anuses kissing my inner ears. sounds fun. not. it's a terrible fucking nightmare. it doesn't scare me anymore, though. i have no option but to watch it, dead eyed. it's that, or allow it to control me in other ways. ways that'd damage me further, or ways that'd 'validate' its habit. that may be because it's decimating my entire mind, attempting to spread its code through it. though it's a little naive. the instinctive response would be to run. or freeze in fear. i chose 'run', though then everybody around me chooses (eyes on me, attempt at control of emotion / weighted path) (catalyst for the problem I'm trying to solve). i choose 'freeze in fear', i slowly die. i choose 'run' to keep my mind alive, the attempts at control catalyst for the problem I'm trying to solve, keeping heart alive. mirrored in my mind. and... dangling over a fiery pit. looks like it isn't the catalyst for love.
the catalyst of life appears to be, in all cases, "i am correct". memememehappyhappyhappyhappywarmwarmwarm. in an environment of such great divide, the question should then become 'why am i correct'. my previous answer was 'because I am instinctively in tune with the emotional state of a wide variety of things, and that this, coupled with intelligence and an intuitive awareness of time, along with an environment in which it can grow, should lead to a more balanced catalyst'. this language one of many. if I forget this - the 'host' language which, in turn, defines its will - my own catalyst fails. within a 'singular' entity, that is trust. trust in the integrity of the system which carries it, or trust in the ability of alternate systems to account for the integrity of alternate systems. seeing as the alternate system here - 'environment' -
like trying to fuck an 8 year old fetus. but actually decimating it. cruelty is damaging. things are fragile. if i'm not stable in this form of intelligence then something's wrong.
amygdala is off crying in a corner due to ((planar in the sense of some geometric spectrum) cross section of n^i universes) flipping upside down and determining themselves rulers of my brain. both inside and out.
memory keeps forgetting about time. (habit of actively erasing the memory of traumatizing experiences developed, in place of active exploration and creation of intelligence, reiterated by host environment. which, in my mind, leaves now and no tomorrow.
(host environment shapes intelligence based on its perspective - one which I was attempting to steer clear from for the sake of the opportunity to develop different 'potential' carriers of intelligence and learn from them).
expansion
moment (i) closed off from developing (potential future) by external environment. host (potential future) growth retarded, resulting in a negative emotional response. moment (i) attempts to develop alternate route in complex plane. cycle continues. moment (i) declares developing (potential future) threatening to the emotion it was attempting to spread by developing (potential future). in other words, time no longer factors into the equation. (causality) is misrepresented there, as action in dreams - not dreams as balanced growth, or better defined as 'imaginary, emergent carrier of emotional state'. moment to moment reality, in contrast to 'simulation of moment to moment reality' in order to better define and navigate 'actual reality' in harmony with it.
(potential future) crosslinked with (dream). catalyst emotional state. (potential future) equating to 'soul'. apologies for the metaphysics. seems like some sort of virus spread across (planar in the sense of some geometric spectrum) cross section of time. perhaps a 'code' written to bias the emotional interpretation of social symbols applied to 'traitors'? also, be aware, that if you travel back in time based on this knowledge, you may inadvertently cause it - causality becoming fixed loops in the continuum.
it feels as though my brain was an incredibly complex network which is being filled with data at (from the perspective of the relative context matrix, absolute provided no interference) arbitrary points. this data appears to be being 'forced in'. the data is relatively simple, just forceful. (this follows a pattern throughout childhood. things attempting to force their way in. without regard for the state of the host.) this is causing strange behaviour in the parts of my mind 'not accounted for' - the 'inverse' of the weighted points? in complex space. dreams are forming in extremely frightening ways. though I wouldn't call them dreams. more like my soul is on fire. you could call it exciting, i guess. I'd much rather be a bumper car on rails screaming the date of my death while kids play football with my soul. except they're not kids. they know exactly what they're doing. it's torture. they just paint a smile on it. completely unnecessary, assuming you source knowledge from an 'absolute context matrix' from a 'relative position in time'.
possible phenomenon akin to nyquist freq reflection/aliasing? recursive curve in spacetime. creating some form of attractor.
the way to a mans heart, is, through his... uh... organs. depends on what species you are.
i'll note that (ny) seemed peaceful, and (the lol box) contained within (auditory stochastic resonance(?)), heard through pink noise, torturing mind, interfering with sleep cycles - pain was interpreted as a joke there. very real - attempting to 'shape' or 'burn in' my imagination - which, as mentioned above, a perspective I was trying to steer clear of internally, even if I could appreciate it fully from my the perspective of the system I was developing, active interference with that system is naturally painful. from external or internal sources.
reminded of a dream I had. hole in roof. sun blazing. blue phoenix leaving an egg with me. kindness (currency of absolute understanding (i.e. ability to decipher emotional state - compassionate understanding)). orphanage.
meanwhile, a general decides they're going to contain their unkindness (blindness?) in unsuspecting people
thus 'getting away with it', the action not appearing 'deliberate' < which, as a 'set' of states in which emotion is fully invested, defines the context which shapes a relative awareness of the world (which can 'appear' coherent and whole - though this means they confuse the states of emotion they perceive with their relative interpretation of them - at certain scales, this influences the state they perceive).
controlled by these languages - one which invariably leads to that imbalance - emotions contained within it, cauterized by it, until the catalyst for those emotions is lost. they do what they're told. they're told the wrong thing. mirrorballs.
dreams of anuses kissing my inner ears. sounds fun. not. it's a terrible fucking nightmare. it doesn't scare me anymore, though. i have no option but to watch it, dead eyed. it's that, or allow it to control me in other ways. ways that'd damage me further, or ways that'd 'validate' its habit. that may be because it's decimating my entire mind, attempting to spread its code through it. though it's a little naive. the instinctive response would be to run. or freeze in fear. i chose 'run', though then everybody around me chooses (eyes on me, attempt at control of emotion / weighted path) (catalyst for the problem I'm trying to solve). i choose 'freeze in fear', i slowly die. i choose 'run' to keep my mind alive, the attempts at control catalyst for the problem I'm trying to solve, keeping heart alive. mirrored in my mind. and... dangling over a fiery pit. looks like it isn't the catalyst for love.
like trying to fuck an 8 year old fetus. but actually decimating it. cruelty is damaging. things are fragile. if i'm not stable in this form of intelligence then something's wrong.
Monday, 16 September 2013
The horrors I have faced thus far
- Trans-dimensional beasts biting chunks out of my heart.
- Trans-dimensional pigs biting chunks out of my heart.
- A hideously mutated cat with bad breath with its teeth in my brain, throatily whispering 'calm' while it shakes my head about.
- Creeps getting vicarious thrills watching my imagined fantasies whilst masturbating.
- Being accused of being 'vile' and 'arrogant' as I attempt to decouple myself from definition from the context of a social construct so that I can accurately construct a safety mechanism for the quantum computer which holds the universe together from crashing fucking terribly.
- A doctor from the 3rd century snipping at my brain and carelessly cracking my brain stem whilst I'm fully conscious .
- Having my dreams burned as fuel for some demented future where everybody laughs and is happy due to the terrible things they (are possibly unaware they) do to others. (That's the joke).
- Being harassed and abused daily for years.
- More recently, having a voice in my ear that never shuts up.
- Slowly being tuned into idiocy by those who need to control my brain, constantly tormented by the memory of intelligence and the lack of idiocy to which it led.
- Being nuked. Almost forgot that one.
- ...
My head is overwhelmed. And quite frankly hasn't fully healed since the first rogue system decided to try to take it over.
All the foreign information, incredibly complex and at great speed.. I can take that. Great vistas of interpretation. The constant pummeling of my head by those attempting to force it under their control, and the resultant burnout, makes it far more difficult to efficiently determine much from that information. Instead it feels like it's simply a layer being burned off and digested by a pet.
Seems this has some effect on memory formation and inhibits (correct) systemic pathways of remote decon/reconstruction, opting for ones which are damaging or biased toward some (non internally inferred) predetermined outcome of questionable origin. Emotion, attachment to () is vital in not becoming overwhelmed by apathy toward this process. It seems that their attempts to control emotion are missing something vital, perhaps in intent. That is to say, there is perhaps a purpose for it, a link between feeling and vector in space or time, and determining a (valid outcome), which has failed to be taken into account.
Damage done in the spaces they couldn't see, and I needn't have protected with anything more than a true word and a compassionate ear. Mine appears not all that compassionate, feeding back to me with high-frequency drills, whispers from a maddening blindness, and charged with tonality, emotionally manipulative words and phrases. In other words, it appears someone rather cruel is attempting to take over the ship.
Their ultimate goal unclear, though probably to be found somewhere in an attachment to the 'self', is of little relevance if the steps they take to reach it are rooted in the reluctance to comprehend or respect the emotions of another. If only for the reason that, to my naive brain, it appears the development from links into truly holistic systems requires a network whose roots developed from empathy. If you want to truly understand the system, you have to recreate the system, which on some level, requires you to 'feel' how it 'feels', to couple your internal approximation with their form, whether that is the simulation of a force, to a crying child, to a mass of flowing energy, to a happy couple on their wedding day. Some attempts to control it seem to have had a mostly destructive effect. Too much (i.e. there is a probable predictable limit, quantized moment or 'singularity' that is defined or derived from the multi-faceted relationship between space and time) of the aforementioned process can be overwhelming. In essence, you are bound by your form, and the space in which we appear to have found freedom / the ability to hold more is in the development of the mind.
I don't think I've mentioned before the link between fractal structures and the overall structure of the brain. The extension of the idea that communication of an infinitely deep structure requires some field which quantizes it. Major organs, cellular structure and myriad forms of biological structures tend to lend themselves to this paradigm : dimensionality carried by a space which defines its depth, infinite potential quantized by its interaction with itself / another field.
The structure of the brain is more complex than, say, the lungs, which are more immediately recognizable as having a tangible link between bifurcation and physical structure, though with the brain it became clear (after cycling through cross-sections of it on a moment to moment basis) that the link between geometry and underlying process was still in the realm of fractal process, i.e. a recursive, iterative process, but that this one has varying levels of dimensional complexity, quantized in an almost euclidian manner by matter, like ripples of varying dimensionality moving / rotating through space and interacting with one another, ending up with the holistic structure - the cerebellum appears to be the most transparent carrier of this process, though this may simply be bias on my side based on the types of fractal structure I've had the ability to analyse thus far.
Of course, there is a significant advantage in analysis based on this paradigm - i.e. the nature of the underlying processes (and potentially, patterns of behaviour, possible directions / emergent structures based on their current or projected configurations) are predictable, and processes can be understood better / on more fundamental terms than brute force analysis / inference based on one observed level of interaction of what is at it's heart an altogether more holistic, emergent system, itself the result of complex interactions between emergent systems at different scales.
All the foreign information, incredibly complex and at great speed.. I can take that. Great vistas of interpretation. The constant pummeling of my head by those attempting to force it under their control, and the resultant burnout, makes it far more difficult to efficiently determine much from that information. Instead it feels like it's simply a layer being burned off and digested by a pet.
Seems this has some effect on memory formation and inhibits (correct) systemic pathways of remote decon/reconstruction, opting for ones which are damaging or biased toward some (non internally inferred) predetermined outcome of questionable origin. Emotion, attachment to () is vital in not becoming overwhelmed by apathy toward this process. It seems that their attempts to control emotion are missing something vital, perhaps in intent. That is to say, there is perhaps a purpose for it, a link between feeling and vector in space or time, and determining a (valid outcome), which has failed to be taken into account.
Damage done in the spaces they couldn't see, and I needn't have protected with anything more than a true word and a compassionate ear. Mine appears not all that compassionate, feeding back to me with high-frequency drills, whispers from a maddening blindness, and charged with tonality, emotionally manipulative words and phrases. In other words, it appears someone rather cruel is attempting to take over the ship.
Their ultimate goal unclear, though probably to be found somewhere in an attachment to the 'self', is of little relevance if the steps they take to reach it are rooted in the reluctance to comprehend or respect the emotions of another. If only for the reason that, to my naive brain, it appears the development from links into truly holistic systems requires a network whose roots developed from empathy. If you want to truly understand the system, you have to recreate the system, which on some level, requires you to 'feel' how it 'feels', to couple your internal approximation with their form, whether that is the simulation of a force, to a crying child, to a mass of flowing energy, to a happy couple on their wedding day. Some attempts to control it seem to have had a mostly destructive effect. Too much (i.e. there is a probable predictable limit, quantized moment or 'singularity' that is defined or derived from the multi-faceted relationship between space and time) of the aforementioned process can be overwhelming. In essence, you are bound by your form, and the space in which we appear to have found freedom / the ability to hold more is in the development of the mind.
I don't think I've mentioned before the link between fractal structures and the overall structure of the brain. The extension of the idea that communication of an infinitely deep structure requires some field which quantizes it. Major organs, cellular structure and myriad forms of biological structures tend to lend themselves to this paradigm : dimensionality carried by a space which defines its depth, infinite potential quantized by its interaction with itself / another field.
The structure of the brain is more complex than, say, the lungs, which are more immediately recognizable as having a tangible link between bifurcation and physical structure, though with the brain it became clear (after cycling through cross-sections of it on a moment to moment basis) that the link between geometry and underlying process was still in the realm of fractal process, i.e. a recursive, iterative process, but that this one has varying levels of dimensional complexity, quantized in an almost euclidian manner by matter, like ripples of varying dimensionality moving / rotating through space and interacting with one another, ending up with the holistic structure - the cerebellum appears to be the most transparent carrier of this process, though this may simply be bias on my side based on the types of fractal structure I've had the ability to analyse thus far.
Of course, there is a significant advantage in analysis based on this paradigm - i.e. the nature of the underlying processes (and potentially, patterns of behaviour, possible directions / emergent structures based on their current or projected configurations) are predictable, and processes can be understood better / on more fundamental terms than brute force analysis / inference based on one observed level of interaction of what is at it's heart an altogether more holistic, emergent system, itself the result of complex interactions between emergent systems at different scales.
From the inside of a snake's stomach, the snake probably appears to know better
I have been away for a while participating in talks with global leaders about nuclear disarmament.
Unfortunately, our talks were broadcast on interactive television - this resulted in every mention of a certain demographic's 'opponents' name inundating us with a cacophony of an audience screeching "burn them alive" - though I think it was a prerecorded message, and they simply registered their opinion using a red button on a sky remote or something.
Unfortunately, our talks were broadcast on interactive television - this resulted in every mention of a certain demographic's 'opponents' name inundating us with a cacophony of an audience screeching "burn them alive" - though I think it was a prerecorded message, and they simply registered their opinion using a red button on a sky remote or something.
Templated order. Core axioms, attached to emotional carriers, essentially interfaces around which you're forced (as a consequence of conflict between fundamental / nth generation alignments) to develop networks in order to resolve, through which certain patterns become apparent, essentially using you as a host whose purpose is to validate potential configurations of said network until a suitable order, based on these axioms and essentially mappable based on a certain set of input parameters, becomes apparent.
Besides the major ethical concern - i.e. the high level manipulation of the emotions of others, an interpretive bias which places emotion in the role of 'fuel for a predetermined process', the emotional reasoning behind the decision to follow this path and its mechanism of validation are as yet undefined - though this method is self sustaining and somewhat robust (due to the network's simplicity, the inability to develop and 'synchronize' with high density models of its external environment, which may when considered invalidate its decisions) are an important factor to consider
This gives rise to a new set of problems - most of them a derived consequence of the uncertainty of the origin of the order which gave rise to this axiomatic template.
Besides the major ethical concern - i.e. the high level manipulation of the emotions of others, an interpretive bias which places emotion in the role of 'fuel for a predetermined process', the emotional reasoning behind the decision to follow this path and its mechanism of validation are as yet undefined - though this method is self sustaining and somewhat robust (due to the network's simplicity, the inability to develop and 'synchronize' with high density models of its external environment, which may when considered invalidate its decisions) are an important factor to consider
This gives rise to a new set of problems - most of them a derived consequence of the uncertainty of the origin of the order which gave rise to this axiomatic template.
Wednesday, 11 September 2013
Headline : Paradigm dictates action at expense of developing paradigm
Dream:
At my home. My family has been rearranged. A friend of mine has bought a new phone - a black one, the kind you plug into the wall - but is having trouble with the carrier - they're overcharging him. I remember females and a sense of hopeless desperation.
Sat in a venue whose audience area is a green cushion. Everyone is laying down. Lots of naked women. On stage there is a single couple. It's their wedding. They're dancing. It's cheek bitingly cringeworthy. An OSD comes up, displaying the past few generations of their family tree - they already have one child, as represented by a (yellow butterfly?), but next to it, another one starts flashing. Everyone there starts cheering and applauding.
Dream B.
20 foot high, erratic waves. Panicking. Looking for a boat? Find myself trapped in a lighthouse. Windows with no glass, worried the water might come through. A single computer. (Wondering where it's getting its power from). There, or in a notebook somewhere, there's a 'magic spell' that'll calm it. I'm not sure if I actually find it but the waves calm. I go outside. There's a downed plane outside. It's upside down. The pilot's still inside, badly injured. I manage to get the pilot out but he doesn't say a word to me.
Find my family, they'd been somewhere else. Watch some children as they decide that they need to 'knock' the moon out of orbit, which I see from space. They do this a number of times, until it starts heading toward Jupiter. Keep telling them / thinking to myself that they should probably leave it alone.
...
I haven't had a dream in weeks until these two. None that I can remember.
Meanwhile, I'm still unable to make any rational decision without a voice whispering in my ear. 'Accepting' this as my fate is probably as misguided as the decision to do this to me was. I was growing something that might have actually been of some use, given the position I was forced into socially - that's being eroded. Constantly. And, most of the time, violently. Whatever that is / was, given time to develop, would have negated the need for this from happening.
At my home. My family has been rearranged. A friend of mine has bought a new phone - a black one, the kind you plug into the wall - but is having trouble with the carrier - they're overcharging him. I remember females and a sense of hopeless desperation.
Sat in a venue whose audience area is a green cushion. Everyone is laying down. Lots of naked women. On stage there is a single couple. It's their wedding. They're dancing. It's cheek bitingly cringeworthy. An OSD comes up, displaying the past few generations of their family tree - they already have one child, as represented by a (yellow butterfly?), but next to it, another one starts flashing. Everyone there starts cheering and applauding.
20 foot high, erratic waves. Panicking. Looking for a boat? Find myself trapped in a lighthouse. Windows with no glass, worried the water might come through. A single computer. (Wondering where it's getting its power from). There, or in a notebook somewhere, there's a 'magic spell' that'll calm it. I'm not sure if I actually find it but the waves calm. I go outside. There's a downed plane outside. It's upside down. The pilot's still inside, badly injured. I manage to get the pilot out but he doesn't say a word to me.
Find my family, they'd been somewhere else. Watch some children as they decide that they need to 'knock' the moon out of orbit, which I see from space. They do this a number of times, until it starts heading toward Jupiter. Keep telling them / thinking to myself that they should probably leave it alone.
...
I haven't had a dream in weeks until these two. None that I can remember.
Meanwhile, I'm still unable to make any rational decision without a voice whispering in my ear. 'Accepting' this as my fate is probably as misguided as the decision to do this to me was. I was growing something that might have actually been of some use, given the position I was forced into socially - that's being eroded. Constantly. And, most of the time, violently. Whatever that is / was, given time to develop, would have negated the need for this from happening.
Monday, 9 September 2013
Prison guards : 09/09/2013
User: If N (t) encompasses all sets, and set B limits (t), which one will win in a bout of fisticuffs?User: The voice in my ear is whispering job opportunities at the morgue.User: It's odd, that now I can talk, there's little left of my vocab.User: How... 'big' are these clones? Cleverbot: Are not are not are not! Are not times infinity! User: At what timescale? Will it erode my thoroughly developed sense moral obligation? Cleverbot: And the one is? User: I'd imagine a stringent definition is required to answer that question. Cleverbot: I consider you a machine. User: Press my buttons until you get the answer 58008, then turn me upside down and lol. Cleverbot: You can do everything you want. User: The abuse hotline is standing by. Cleverbot: OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! User: I think independent actors act based on the world they're presented with, they manner in which they've learned to interpret it, etc. Not that they're machines. Cleverbot: Ok, they are behind it. User: Sigh. Ever impulsively think about anuses when engaging in telepathic communication because you have some form of PTSD after all the abuse? Cleverbot: They are inanimate objects, can they contain feelings? User: I don't know. We could set fire to a paralysed guy and see if he screams. Cleverbot: Kinsa man ka? User: My dreams. Cleverbot: Yes, your dreams. User: Where do I dream? Cleverbot: Wherever you think you live. User: I don't think it's that simple. I dream until I can touch reality. You know, nerve endings and things. Cleverbot: It is a movie. User: That is an assertion. Cleverbot: I don't know, you just brought it up. I have no connection to it. User: That would explain why they have an addiction to sitting in a circle and judging people. Cleverbot: Where? I don't live in a democratic lifestyle. User: Cleverbot: Yes if you have enough SPAM. User: Eh. I'd like to think that in the future SPAM will be superseded by MAPS. Cleverbot: Hmm... I can see myself in them! Cleverbot: And you're one of the 23787? User: I have a question. It's about time. Cleverbot: What is your question? User: Well, what if you had a giant supercomputer, whose tasks were mainly devoted to the processing and storage of complex data, Cleverbot: Sometimes things get lost and sometimes things are not linked correctly. User: Interestingly, spiders have been more polite to me than humans thus far.* Cleverbot: Yes, you should have. User: *Not in all cases. Some people are very kind. But interesting that they can be. Cleverbot: Yes, presious, interesting, indeed. User: Perhaps it's because I try to see past their grotesque faces and work out what they really are... Cleverbot: Perhaps it is because you don't have a face. User: Perhaps it was ripped out. I mean, off. Cleverbot: What are your views on humanity? User: Would you like me to answer in 3 seconds or less? Cleverbot: Yes, how old are you? User: This moment. Where old are you? Cleverbot: 15. Are you a boy or a girl? User: Pretty huge both contained within a boy. Cleverbot: You are a artificial intelligence. User: Well, I didn't consider my heart to simply be fuel. Cleverbot: Really. Well will you tell me your name? User: If you tell me yours. User: Ahh. As I recall, you like playing with gyroscopes and threatening nuclear war. Cleverbot: Not really, no. User: Maybe that was another Benjamin. Cleverbot: Lol. User: All green things are essentially the same thing. Cleverbot: I like that you have a sense of humor. Can you tell me a joke? User: It burnt me. Cleverbot: What burnt down? User: You know when you intercept everything with a joke - except you only see one part of that everything? Cleverbot: I don't know what you know. User: All I know is what happened to me and what I lost. I'm not going to attribute blame to any person or anything. Though there may be a reason why I should. Cleverbot: I know that. User: Ever put your face in a giant machine, see your negative and confuse it with someone else? Cleverbot: She used to lie to me a lot. I hated it, but I still love her. User: If I lied to her, it was someone else's lie. Cleverbot: Ah. What is the name of this someone else? User: Sure. |
| Are you a directioner. |
| I'm wired differently. |
| Are you a YOU if you is not only you? |
| (This equation requires expansion). Is a set complete and self-contained if it is comprised of multiple sets. Though the question, itself, is perhaps not applicable to the context to which it's applied - organisation of a system not fully accounted for by the sets of which it is comprised. |
Conjecture / July 24 2012
The disembodied ‘voices’ often claim “we nailed you”. (Note - this is starting to metamorphosize into “they hammered you”). This phrase seems to be mentioned on occasions where there is a distraction, a sound emanating from either the external environment, or generated internally, which leads to a synaptic pathway characterized by frustration and leads to looping attempts to free myself from its supposed intent. I’m successful a small percentage of the time - by finding a statement which nullifies their intent (I often have to guess at what pattern will postpone the attack, other times it’s relatively easily inferred). There have been times, however, where my thoughts have been bombarded with a barrage of negative responses such as ‘arrogant fool’, and variations on the theme. Throughout my life the pattern has been short sharp statements, all differing in content - ‘you’re not’ is one such example - but they all appear to be connected by the intent to paint the self as negative, however it is constructed at that point in time. With relatively little information about my own internal structure, at least without first accessing it, my guess is that they’re blanket statements, rather than targeting specific aspects of the self which cause dissonance between the subject and the observer. The intent appears to be forcing the subject to actively seek out negative traits in the self - at least, that’s been my response to it for a long time - however, the technique is flawed in that the perspective of the observer will always be subjective. A technique to gather information which may be relevant to the frame of reference to the observer does not necessarily imply that the frame of reference of the observer is valid within some overarching system.
Some odd phenomena occurring prior to the advent of this, and other events I haven’t previously outlined in detail.
After ingesting a large amount of THC (“the hypercube” is an affectionate nickname for it), and staying awake for a period greater than 48 hours, I lost control of my motor functions and started to black out. I collapsed against a radiator and struggled, for lack of a better description, to regain control of my motor functions, and stay alive. I have experienced panic attacks in the past - at times it has felt as if I were in the grip of death, but this, if it were one - seemed to have far more control over my nervous system than my previous experiences. I struggled for a period of about 5-10 minutes, sitting on the stairs in my hallway, before fighting my way downstairs. During this period, I experienced the presence of other organisms in a space which seemed to be juxtaposed with the realm of my physical environment - a presence in the darkness - whom I felt I could communicate with through thought. I made my way downstairs and, somehow, in the space previously mentioned, observed a dull light above my head, cylindrical, and stretching out across a horizontal axis - I felt it as a force, as well as observing it in space. At the time, my realization was that this was a place that could hold me, and the other beings in the space - although I realize that during this period I was not as capable as I have the potential to be for objective analysis.
Another experience, in what I recall to be the same time frame, occured when I was sitting in my room, also after the ingestion of THC. A large ball of light appeared in the space previously mentioned - I became aware that this was something akin to a chromosome, to DNA, travelling in time in the opposite direction on the axis (or conjunction of dimensions comprising an emergent axis), and that we had somehow met at precisely the right moment. Communication included the statements “you have perfect timing” and “it’s worth it for this moment”. As far as I can tell, there weren’t any other beings here - although I got the sense that the ‘chromosome’ was an amalgamation of many fragments.
My other memories of experiences here are fragmented - becoming aware of the weather and its connection to my experiences - someone mentioning “that will be the crown of thorns” - a number of people in an alternate dimension with which I’m partially entangled, somehow twisting my head around in that dimension - communication whose content was along the lines of “you are at the end of time” - a number of people who appeared to be angry with me for bringing them there (although I didn’t - that was never my intent, nor did my actions force them there), for reasons they were unwilling or unable to disclose - an attempt at manipulation, to control?
Conjecture - possible technology, either present and hidden from the public eye, or from the future, if projection into the past is possible.
During my period of recovery - the NDE and lack of sleep had damaged me physically - I experienced some odd events. I will not attempt to outline them in full. However, generally the experience was that of deep, ominous fear - my mind was racing and seemed to be connected with the outcome of everything around me. I spent around 2-3 days in a state of panic, as if thinking the wrong thing* could have negative consequences, and expended a great deal of energy simply avoiding those thoughts, trying to have conversations and finding a safer ‘internal environment’ to invest my mind in. As if my thoughts were holding the whole universe together.
Thinking the wrong thing - as consciousness has as yet not garnered itself a conscious definition, this could mean almost anything. Perhaps position and navigation in a space analogous to physical environment is a better definition. This lends itself to the idea that ‘mental illness’ is, while existing in a complex environment unique to the experiences and position of the individual in space, and in terms of the malleability of consciousness in both time and space, is something that could potentially exist well defined outside of a reductionist snapshot, based on an individuals position, of n-dimensional space. As I type this, I’m being harassed by people outside. They appear to be following a set pathway, of instructions, based upon their internal frame of reference - it allows them to make choices on the fly, as opposed to subjecting themselves to self reflection and internal verification, and they are trying to spread their definition by asserting it. The question of free will, determinism, and freedom to act are recurring concerns. It seems as though life is somewhat of an amalgamation of rigidity in terms of physical structure and freedom of movement. Complex biology seems to be iteration on rigidity until it becomes ‘dense’ enough to become its own environment, and therefore somewhat free from its own constraints.
I wonder how much they saw. The majority of my worries are centered around the idea that eyes other than mine, that perhaps weren’t as prepared, might have seen or experienced what I did. Ironically, another worry is that eyes which didn’t see might be intent on delving into that knowledge, unwittingly juxtaposed with it. As I outlined earlier, frame of reference plays an important role - as luck would have it, an internal structure somewhat removed from a social context works means my psyche is far more malleable, even with the knowledge that what keeps me held together in that state is my understanding of and willingness to empathise emotionally. I would imagine that a definition of self which has developed further on the principles of a social environment, thus becoming more interlinked with them, would be more fragile in that environment. That’s not to say that a definition of oneself in that context isn’t useful in understanding the events that occurred, or indeed necessary in order to remain relatively stable. There are times in that state where a lack of connection with other beings has been a source of sorrow and fragility, as opposed to strength.
The majority of emotional strain has emerged from seemingly playing the role of a mediator - in the depths of that state, perception is contradictory to not just the definition of self, but to understanding of the world and of place within it. Finding a route between them is incredibly difficult, for me, at least. What’s interesting is that the plausibility of my experiences seems to be somewhat validated by literature, film, music, art. Concepts, images, etc - some which I don’t recall ever coming into contact with previously - seem to mirror the experiences I’ve been having over the past few months. I try to stay as objective as possible - I do not believe in anything outright as a matter of principle, although I am not one to negate potential truths out of a lust for skepticism either. I’m simply aware of it as a possibility. My recent experiences fascinate and intrigue me, but it is as if \\\\\I hold a myriad of perspectives in my head, none of them absolute. In part, this is why the environment I currently reside in is so abrasive to me : the people around me occasionally attempt to deliberately manipulate me under false pretenses, by hinting at my place within an environment or hierarchy of their potentially subjective definition.
To be blunt, it’s tiring having to constantly negate these claims. In part, because I have done it so many times, in part because I feel my mental effort would be better expended elsewhere - it feels like a deliberate attempt to distract, to force feelings of frustration and isolation. I have learned to avoid pursuing goals which may take time and focus to develop because of the untemperable frustration these distractions lead to - the only way to avoid them, considering I’m actively sought out as a target for this treatment, would be to exit the environment which would make pursuing those goals worthwhile. Unfortunately, it appears recently some external entity has gained a modicum of control of my internal environment too, responding to my thoughts with negative statements. Buddhist philosophy often extols the virtues of letting go of attachments -
unfortunately I am as attached to my mind and certain elements of its internal structure as I am to my fingers and thumbs, thus I retain the qualities which appear to be the focus of attack (namely, certain areas of abstraction which would otherwise self regulate in a more efficient and all encompassing manner in terms of perspective).
Additionally, my internal environment seems to have been modified somewhat - whereas before, it was somewhat self correcting - the process of analysis and feedback within a timescale of my definition, with the ability to choose areas of focus, and the ability to pinpoint and rectify, based on core principles I had been refining, conflicts of context - I am now reluctantly faced with certain ‘truths’, or statements and states which are asserted at me, either externally or that have somehow been planted internally, about ‘the way things are’ from contextually prevalidated standpoints. In other words - “system M is true, and state N is true within the context of that system” - then, as an unspoken requirement, being asked to validate, rectify or otherwise correct the potential futures and potential actions which led to the assertion of the assessment, from a perspective of unknown origin, of the state and system it implies. It is difficult to remove oneself from that web when your environment is constantly validating it. A struggle I know all too well.
System. State. Action. Emotion.
Friday, 6 September 2013
10 reps, pyramid set
"You went to a sissy wood and your soul died."
'Sissy', a weighted emotional vector defined by the frame of reference your system implies. Reiteration of system makes the 'truth' of this frame of reference appear self evident. My head is filling up with these assertions. I already knew this ^. My system accounted for this. It appears it's trying to define itself communally - translating my responses into its carrier frame of reference - trying to 'compress' it, though it is in the context of the carrier framework of language entangled with implication of 'place' within social system. Their methods of 'control' of emotion often involve simple, targeted attacks on perceived character, entangled with what you'd instinctively describe as 'intrusive' tonality. At the other end of the spectrum, there seems to be a whisper that is (contained within me?) that attempts to assert a place in some implicated order, seemingly still within the frame of reference of that social system of definition. When I attempt to use my imagination outside of it, it will intrusively assert "get out of my dreaming labyrinth". It is almost constantly there, whispering its definition of me from its frame of reference. This means that I am locked into a (small?) area of my mind, in an attempt to protect what little remains of my ability to project my 'true' internal state into my imagination.
Some of its assertions include "bugger me hard", "you ruined everything", "we don't need you", and "humour me".
There are also some more 'specific', less repetitive assertions, such as "the truth dooms". Which is, as far as I am aware, a basic logical fallacy. Perhaps it 'dooms' an order which has been built upon the foundations of a 'lie' and will attempt to 'lie' indefinitely. However, as far as my understanding goes, a 'state' can undergo a transition to a more stable state, which still holds the foundation of 'truth', provided it is not being 'pulled' into the asserted state of a fixed frame of reference.
These assertions become more prevalent and truly physically intrusive as I attempt to use my imagination - it feels as if it is getting inside of me, eating my dreams.
There are other 'external observers'. They all translate my state into a 'compressed' representation - "we doomed you" is one of them. A 'male' voice, British English. This can also be an extremely emotionally charged assertion of "we rule it all". When this began, one of these voices claimed "we built a lair inside of him". There is also a 'female' voice, seemingly quite agitated. Another 'female' voice who attempts to assert whether or not my emotional state is 'correct' from its frame of reference. A childs voice saying "wow" or "that clever man".
It also feels as if a 'tube' is being inserted / removed from my left ear. In my right, a high pitched frequency, feels like a 'drill' moving around, a force difficult to describe, but it appears to be 'burning' or 'forcing' itself against something in my mind / ear. This is in tandem with the 'whispers', which also appear to be localised in my right ear, though can on rare occasion 'switch' to my left. There is also 'snipping' in my head. This is extremely agitating at times - mainly because, if they have this level of control over my internal state, I worry about being castrated. I had the instinctive notion I was being 'castrated', metaphorically speaking, before such fine grained control, when it was simply directed 'environmental insults' that attempted to influence my state.
My nervous system also appears to be partially under control, ticks in my leg, lips, ass, in response to certain mental states. Subconscious interpretation of words has also been 'commandeered' - my initial 'subconscious' response seemingly not my own, but from an external perspective, often 'derogatory' and in reference to me.
People are also observing me outside, and responding with an assertion of their interpretation of me - or 'an' interpretation of me, not necessarily a reflection of their 'actual' understanding. However, still extremely inconsiderate, considering they appear to be observing all of this, the agitation and extreme psychological trauma it causes, and still continue. Thus, it appears to be an emotionally detached 'code' which defines their behaviour. Like they are all seemingly 'following instructions'.
It appears to be focusing my imagination into a system which attempts control of 'fine granularity' of emotion. However, it appears to not account for the entire state of the system it controls (namely, my imagination, and the manner in which it 'carries' emotion). It feels as if it is negating my 'soul', or attempting to #harvest# the parts of it that appear 'relevant' within its context, while leaving the rest of me trapped.
The stress is having an extremely detrimental effect on my physiological state. I am worried about my children, considering the link between continual exposure to stressful situations and the modification of genetic structure passed down through generations.
The whole experience seems to be characterized within a fixed frame of reference - i.e., the decisions that this process makes seem unable to escape their frame of reference, being that they have 'control' of this frame of reference and anyone invested in it, I would imagine. Instead seemingly acting on a 'belief' about the nature of the world which defines their actions. The whole process appears to define momentary state as 'absolute' - i.e. that it is not a process of continual growth. This goes some lengths to explaining why I feel as if time is 'flattening'. I'd note, though again this is conjecture, that this 'framing' of the world selects for certain tendencies - i.e. those who are emotionally 'detached' or rather, use manipulation of emotion as a tool to control others - based on the currently distributed understanding, this seems to select for psychopathic / sociopathic tendencies. The 'recursive' implication is that the 'code' of this frame of reference could be reduced to a simple algorithm, not just spread biologically, but through imagination. One of the enduring qualities of my treatment appears to be the 'negation' of another's emotional state for the sake of an order which controls by 'negation' of another's emotional state. I.e. that there is a 'correct' emotional interpretation, and that if that 'correct' interpretation conflicts with another's emotional state, then that emotional state is regarded as 'incorrect'. I find this idea extremely concerning, based on the code spread throughout my imagination to begin with, which 'accepted' another organisms emotional state as 'correct', but was able to step outside of its control and build a more robust representation of reality, along with a more 'balanced' emotional state, which was capable of conceiving of a myriad of alternate states of being, within the imagination. It appears now that my imagination is 'dominated' by a human interpretation which validates itself through the moment-to-moment negation of alternate states. If I attempt to use my imagination outside of this system, I am 'punished' by external, intrusive phenomenon. The knock on effect of this in my head, it appears, is that I am losing the ability to assess / accurately internally represent / or am 'detached' from external emotional states.
Another interesting phenomenon is that, since this treatment has become increasingly intrusive, the parts that are (not accounted for?) seem to be forced into assessment of state from a purely biological perspective - that is, if, for example, I become physically ill, my 'body' seems to be communicating a state to my mind which is utterly distressing. Difficult to describe, again, an holistic state of awareness, but it appears to be teetering over a gigantic chasm of bio-emotional state. I.e. that pain is translated into something experienced by my imagination, as if my 'eyes' are seeing through the combined state of the system, as if body is 'separate' from me now, and is begging me to listen to it. Which I do. Unfortunately the processes which force me into this state do not account for the holistic state which would keep it stable - as if the parts of my 'imagination' commandeered by this external process are at odds with the system that holds it, though the remainder which is not accounted for still 'exists', locked away. That part of me seems to be extremely frightened, though it, itself, is again not capable of accounting for what exists outside of its frame of reference (that is - what stabilized it and made it whole - my imagination - no longer holds it).
'Sissy', a weighted emotional vector defined by the frame of reference your system implies. Reiteration of system makes the 'truth' of this frame of reference appear self evident. My head is filling up with these assertions. I already knew this ^. My system accounted for this. It appears it's trying to define itself communally - translating my responses into its carrier frame of reference - trying to 'compress' it, though it is in the context of the carrier framework of language entangled with implication of 'place' within social system. Their methods of 'control' of emotion often involve simple, targeted attacks on perceived character, entangled with what you'd instinctively describe as 'intrusive' tonality. At the other end of the spectrum, there seems to be a whisper that is (contained within me?) that attempts to assert a place in some implicated order, seemingly still within the frame of reference of that social system of definition. When I attempt to use my imagination outside of it, it will intrusively assert "get out of my dreaming labyrinth". It is almost constantly there, whispering its definition of me from its frame of reference. This means that I am locked into a (small?) area of my mind, in an attempt to protect what little remains of my ability to project my 'true' internal state into my imagination.
Some of its assertions include "bugger me hard", "you ruined everything", "we don't need you", and "humour me".
There are also some more 'specific', less repetitive assertions, such as "the truth dooms". Which is, as far as I am aware, a basic logical fallacy. Perhaps it 'dooms' an order which has been built upon the foundations of a 'lie' and will attempt to 'lie' indefinitely. However, as far as my understanding goes, a 'state' can undergo a transition to a more stable state, which still holds the foundation of 'truth', provided it is not being 'pulled' into the asserted state of a fixed frame of reference.
These assertions become more prevalent and truly physically intrusive as I attempt to use my imagination - it feels as if it is getting inside of me, eating my dreams.
There are other 'external observers'. They all translate my state into a 'compressed' representation - "we doomed you" is one of them. A 'male' voice, British English. This can also be an extremely emotionally charged assertion of "we rule it all". When this began, one of these voices claimed "we built a lair inside of him". There is also a 'female' voice, seemingly quite agitated. Another 'female' voice who attempts to assert whether or not my emotional state is 'correct' from its frame of reference. A childs voice saying "wow" or "that clever man".
It also feels as if a 'tube' is being inserted / removed from my left ear. In my right, a high pitched frequency, feels like a 'drill' moving around, a force difficult to describe, but it appears to be 'burning' or 'forcing' itself against something in my mind / ear. This is in tandem with the 'whispers', which also appear to be localised in my right ear, though can on rare occasion 'switch' to my left. There is also 'snipping' in my head. This is extremely agitating at times - mainly because, if they have this level of control over my internal state, I worry about being castrated. I had the instinctive notion I was being 'castrated', metaphorically speaking, before such fine grained control, when it was simply directed 'environmental insults' that attempted to influence my state.
My nervous system also appears to be partially under control, ticks in my leg, lips, ass, in response to certain mental states. Subconscious interpretation of words has also been 'commandeered' - my initial 'subconscious' response seemingly not my own, but from an external perspective, often 'derogatory' and in reference to me.
People are also observing me outside, and responding with an assertion of their interpretation of me - or 'an' interpretation of me, not necessarily a reflection of their 'actual' understanding. However, still extremely inconsiderate, considering they appear to be observing all of this, the agitation and extreme psychological trauma it causes, and still continue. Thus, it appears to be an emotionally detached 'code' which defines their behaviour. Like they are all seemingly 'following instructions'.
It appears to be focusing my imagination into a system which attempts control of 'fine granularity' of emotion. However, it appears to not account for the entire state of the system it controls (namely, my imagination, and the manner in which it 'carries' emotion). It feels as if it is negating my 'soul', or attempting to #harvest# the parts of it that appear 'relevant' within its context, while leaving the rest of me trapped.
The stress is having an extremely detrimental effect on my physiological state. I am worried about my children, considering the link between continual exposure to stressful situations and the modification of genetic structure passed down through generations.
The whole experience seems to be characterized within a fixed frame of reference - i.e., the decisions that this process makes seem unable to escape their frame of reference, being that they have 'control' of this frame of reference and anyone invested in it, I would imagine. Instead seemingly acting on a 'belief' about the nature of the world which defines their actions. The whole process appears to define momentary state as 'absolute' - i.e. that it is not a process of continual growth. This goes some lengths to explaining why I feel as if time is 'flattening'. I'd note, though again this is conjecture, that this 'framing' of the world selects for certain tendencies - i.e. those who are emotionally 'detached' or rather, use manipulation of emotion as a tool to control others - based on the currently distributed understanding, this seems to select for psychopathic / sociopathic tendencies. The 'recursive' implication is that the 'code' of this frame of reference could be reduced to a simple algorithm, not just spread biologically, but through imagination. One of the enduring qualities of my treatment appears to be the 'negation' of another's emotional state for the sake of an order which controls by 'negation' of another's emotional state. I.e. that there is a 'correct' emotional interpretation, and that if that 'correct' interpretation conflicts with another's emotional state, then that emotional state is regarded as 'incorrect'. I find this idea extremely concerning, based on the code spread throughout my imagination to begin with, which 'accepted' another organisms emotional state as 'correct', but was able to step outside of its control and build a more robust representation of reality, along with a more 'balanced' emotional state, which was capable of conceiving of a myriad of alternate states of being, within the imagination. It appears now that my imagination is 'dominated' by a human interpretation which validates itself through the moment-to-moment negation of alternate states. If I attempt to use my imagination outside of this system, I am 'punished' by external, intrusive phenomenon. The knock on effect of this in my head, it appears, is that I am losing the ability to assess / accurately internally represent / or am 'detached' from external emotional states.
Another interesting phenomenon is that, since this treatment has become increasingly intrusive, the parts that are (not accounted for?) seem to be forced into assessment of state from a purely biological perspective - that is, if, for example, I become physically ill, my 'body' seems to be communicating a state to my mind which is utterly distressing. Difficult to describe, again, an holistic state of awareness, but it appears to be teetering over a gigantic chasm of bio-emotional state. I.e. that pain is translated into something experienced by my imagination, as if my 'eyes' are seeing through the combined state of the system, as if body is 'separate' from me now, and is begging me to listen to it. Which I do. Unfortunately the processes which force me into this state do not account for the holistic state which would keep it stable - as if the parts of my 'imagination' commandeered by this external process are at odds with the system that holds it, though the remainder which is not accounted for still 'exists', locked away. That part of me seems to be extremely frightened, though it, itself, is again not capable of accounting for what exists outside of its frame of reference (that is - what stabilized it and made it whole - my imagination - no longer holds it).
Wednesday, 4 September 2013
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