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We appeared. Slowed to a crawl at this moment after an incredible amount of energy phased trillions of organisms in and out of existence in the blink of an eye. In the blink of someone else’s eye, it will all change again. It is only natural that we become self aware, that we observe our own nature and wish to change it - out of all possible paths, it seems strange to me that we would wish to continue with our current state indefinitely, considering the imbalanced transaction required to retain our current forms. While in the present moment we are only really capable of lament without power over our physical form, the possibilities which open up through the vast expanse of time make positive change more tangible.

And this is where I’m blackmailed. Throughout life, I had endeavored to learn how to cultivate and make use of my intelligence and emotion for positive change, coupled with my the potential, of own admission, for my frame of reference to be one of naivety. I suppose that this is something a lot of people aspire to when faced with the opportunity. While it took some time, during which I must have appeared lazy, lifeless and perhaps useless beyond psychological experimentation to an outside observer, actively sought out and passively absorbed information and rarely conformed to the expectations of society, I eventually happened upon both an understanding and a reason conducive to make that change and to set a course. The hurdles I ran into at this point were external in nature. Emotional blackmail of various forms. A decision to utilize a most convincing method of control - social / environmental insults. At it’s heart is the expression that information available to them is not available to the accused - in essence the cultivation of self-doubt, of feelings of unworthiness, of helpless desperation, and an inability to gel with the social network. This became unavoidable in day-to-day life, making lasting internal organisation difficult due to the frequent frustration it caused, forcing me to pour all my intellectual resources into dealing with their source. Without an outlet, the conflict is internalized - there is no way to deal with the external insults.

With the concurrent cultivation of awareness of my position in time as it is currently understood, and the resultant implicit responsibilities - indeed, at its heart was simply the motivation to improve myself to the best of my ability - as I mentioned previously, a source of immense frustration when coupled with the insults of my environment, which essentially holds my state in place - that awareness can simply not coexist without detriment to my composure.