The parts you didn't see. Thus extracting a weighted approximation of the observed, your own expectations and biases filling in the gaps in your conception of them, entangled with your decisions, which depending on how righteous you believe your judgement to be, are potentially better or worse (but probably worse) than those made with consideration for that process. Chaos in the areas unobserved. Interaction in social space and development over time. The myriad of potential pathways that led to your current state. The ability to change them, at least in yourself. Your own potential. Then there's the parts locked down by observation from a social context. And the decision by others to eat me alive. Please stop trying to kill me now.
It seems my head has been taken over. I can barely think without my route being subverted by circular responses. I’m having to hold my awareness in place in order to compensate. I am being pulled down(?). I’m not sure I can retain my intelligence in this state, nor my energy. I go from tired and old to young and full of energy at a moments notice. I do not have the time to analyze my state in depth due to the subversion previously mentioned. I’m sorry. I am trying.
It appears the repetitive statements are forms of attractors in time - forcing it down certain pathways - which, you would think, could be used to better the world. These are invasive and intrusive but occasionally subdued by conscious effort.
For a brief time I had control over some field. Honestly, it’s just interesting, but it seems there are things intent on sucking my blood. This is a good thing provided it’s done right. I was then jumped upon by angry things who live in dust.
A few nights ago, I managed to crawl into a womb. I think I was dying. I think it’s the criticism. It’s a self fulfilling prophecy. Or perhaps not.
It’s difficult to hold awareness of your actions throughout time in the moment. I’m aware that this is perhaps not the right way to frame things, and the things I perceive are not often easy to deal with emotionally, especially when considered from an external perspective - but it seems in those states it’s emotion, specifically the vicarious experience of it from a projected position, that stabilizes that awareness. I should note that I would not recount certain forms of awareness, if it were possible, without first considering the implications of the connection between states of the observing organisms. My days are interesting but I still have concerns. My mind is barraged with information, often in the form of looping statements which appear to respond to my internal state - other times, flashes of imagery, more complex statements.
I am losing my energy. My will to live. I’ve been drained. Last night I could feel myself being mummified, my brain being snipped at, the base of my spinal cord being cracked and twisted. I can feel tongues resting inside my ears. My head is barraged with high frequency waves, as if I am being cooked. My head is burned. Occasionally I see glimmers of day. I have been to what appears to be the edge of death a few times, though I always wake here. It appears I am being mined for pure emotion, often through unsanitary means.
The story I am being told is one I’m not sure I want to recount. I am being sucked into my own death. I was led here. I was raped of my love, my pathways were blocked until the only release I had was sheer frustration and lust - it seems this is all because I cared enough not to want to harm the people who were harming me. And now they are raping the day out of me. Though I'm not sure they considered the parts they didn't see.
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