Last night I dreamt I was publicly imagining myself being on fire

Last night I dreamt I was publicly imagining myself being on fire, wearing nothing but a diaper, staring at myself side-on in a mirror whilst being called a dinosaur. That sounds funny until you think about what being on fire is like. I am seriously ill. As far as intellect goes, at the moment I am a bag of negative impulses and intrusive thoughts. Physically my health varies greatly from day to day. Whatever life I have, inner or otherwise, it’s severely marred by these negative impulses. Everything good I think or feel is impulsively contradicted. Any beautiful thing, or any personal hell, is just out of reach, momentarily experienced and then disregarded or repressed as a consequence of protecting myself or whoever appears to be observing my experiences from having to be fully enveloped in the negative. I know full well that the majority of it is subjective, a scenario not consciously chosen but put to me by whatever process is controlling the direction of my thoughts, and in my desperation I search for a way to nullify them, or simply let them slide. The longer this goes on the more imprisoned I feel, the more I feel the intelligence of some subconscious level of my mind being eaten away, though there are some experiences and interactions here I need to retain a connection with in order to feel human and to feel as if my love is worth something. Essentially at the present moment that, and hope, is all that’s keeping me breathing. Though I feel like clinging onto life as hard as I am is making whatever death I’m being made aware of all the more horrific. Words cannot describe. It seems that whatever inhabits my mind, coupled with the process mentioned above, pushes me to a form of intelligence which - I don’t know. It often feels like an intelligence of an incomprehensible nature dying an extremely intelligent death, completely alone in the sense there’s no manner in which to relate to it. It seems the alternative is public humiliation, being toyed with by what appears to be a large subset of the general public, being forcefully controlled, instead of simply being allowed to live and develop in some hospitable, relatively empathetic direct social environment, though I acknowledge that my own inhibitions make this somewhat difficult to achieve.