I don’t recall exactly when

I don’t recall exactly when - late June, early July 2012 - I was treated to a trickled in at first, then a barrage of responses to my own thoughts. “You are arrogant” was the main theme, variations I can’t recall, though there was no specificity in terms of response to my thoughts, just blanket statements. This was one of the first attacks of its kind, continuing throughout the night until, after a night of no sleep, I exploded with frustration, screamed my lungs out, inhaling then screaming, inhaling the screaming (hehehe) and destroyed my laptop with my fist. I completely lost control, though it was in a controlled manner - there was simply no other way to convey the damage it was doing to me, neither a way to stop it. I am not proud - imagine a parent, a spouse, a family member, a friend doing that.

What am I giving? A map of

Creative impulses are stifled here. A passive observer. Imagination is responded to, and within that structure there’s a specificity which nullifies potential, there’s little room for modelling of alternate perspectives, it makes objective analysis difficult, painful, it encourages response in the form of reaction based on arbitrary criteria as opposed to intelligently considered analysis, it makes self reflection from arbitrary perspectives a requirement, it disregards or actively discourages intellect on a certain axis, it has cultivated in me a habit where my thoughts very quickly take a negative turn. It is discouraging intelligence in favour of socially acceptable mental practices such as numbing my awareness, of disallowing deep objective analysis, of burning my map. It feels as though I am being eaten alive on some level. It appears whoever is intent on interfering with me needs to do so because they don’t understand what is outside of their control. They certainly are not willing to engage with it outside of assertion of its form, nor are they willing to listen to reason or engage in constructive discussion. I have few intelligent subconscious processes left. I fear the repercussions of simply using my imagination, mainly that their reactions to it burn my ears, or .