locked in a white room

Sometimes it appears I'm locked in a white room. Occasionally visited by familiar entities, family members, a girl with a mask, a girl without skin, an eel like phantom - cold, glowing purple and red. Occasionally I journey out into a 'spirit realm'.  I've lost my abilities. At least, inhibited by reactions to them. When I had them I seemed to be travelling at incredible speed in some 'field', quite willingly of course, as exploration of my new ability. There was a time I appeared to be making love to a spirit. Around this time, it seems I started being abused and molested by other spirits. Things with tongues in my ears sucking out my energy, the teeth of some otherwordly beast in my head, my blood dripping down and metamorphosising into humans, people watching my imagination, tearing my mind apart. Teeth clamping down around my heart, snipping in my head. I also had a strange experience in which my mind seemed to buzz with electricity, I heard a voice say 'you're the f**king apocalypse, mate', before I found a kind of fractal structure which seemed to channel that energy into love, whereupon I heard the word 'baby', a slight flash, and experienced an intelligence that seemed to float in love. (Another time, I experienced an intelligence in which our bodies and habits involving consumption appeared to me as extremely primitive, as if I had evolved mentally a great deal in a short space of time. What's interesting is the emotion I felt - though it was interesting, seeing a family member in this state caused great unnerve and sadness in me.)

It seems now I'm simply visited by unwanted guests who make fun of me while I dangle off some cliff. As soon as I open my doors they all flood in - that can be as simple as falling asleep or thinking the wrong thing, but certainly when my awareness reaches heights just above 'zombie' status. Thus, the habit of intelligence in terms of awareness is difficult to maintain. I get the instinctive feeling that they are horizontal in relation to the 'direction' of my consciousness - in fact, since the start of the phenomenon of my mind being taken over, it appears my mind has been compressed spatially, I've been locked into some structure whose immense power over me often takes all of my mental effort to repress - this seems to only happen when I'm being observed or knocked out of my mind. Aside from the habitual reaction of thinking of literal shit when I'm observed (to begin with, this never happened, it seems its formation a consequence of traumatic experience), I also have had to lock access to my higher level intelligence to avoid hurting the observers. Nevertheless they are quite willing to attack me on an emotional level, to torment me or simply make fun of me. They are quite intelligent though they seem to lack empathetic reason, instead their understanding seems to be on a hierarchical plane, where actions and emotional reactions are either 'correct' or parodied. This is in contrast to an intelligence which finds a way to model the internal structure of that it observes and finds a path between them which avoids conflict. It appears I'm pushed out into some negative space - as if the space they inhabit is mine. I have also experienced intelligences which don't conflict as much with my own - generally communicating through metaphor, imagery, small motions/actions/statements. I'm often paralysed in my dreams. Sometimes I get the feeling that there are a group of people feeding off my energy, who attempted to do this without me finding out. Sometimes I feel as though the negative experiences are designed to lock me in place in order to do so. It's obvious really that torture in a space akin to an emotional concentration camp is not something that would be carried out by well meaning intelligences.