I miss my dreams.

I miss my dreams. I miss my friends. I miss my future. I miss food, if you catch my drift. I miss love. I miss trust. Though my withdrawal from all these things may have something to do with the abuse of it.

I feel as if I should write something here, though I’m growing a little tired. I should mention some threads that I’ve neglected to describe in detail, for fear of forgetting or in case my ability to record them is tarnished somehow. Increasingly I have been pulled into my head by repeating statements. I can control them when aware of them, otherwise they repeat statements relating to my state of awareness. x ‘You are murdering your blood’ is repeating at the moment, although this is one I don’t believe I’ve heard before. Often I feel pinned in place. If I follow this feeling I observe flashes of dreams that appear to be interacting with me. Following further, a sense that my soul is being pulled from my body, or that I am interacting or embracing with spirits(?). That I am travelling at great speeds, and I can ‘see’ in the apparent random noise that appears when you close your eyes shadows of other worlds. My intelligence is going haywire - some extremely disturbing states of awareness - most of the time I realize that I may be being watched and I’m obliged to inhibit my intelligence. I felt as if the whole of creation was balancing on my head at one point, others flashes of awareness in the realm of biological process, though difficult to deconstruct and describe in detail. Pinned in place, it appeared I was surrounded by intelligences that I could communicate with, though the whole process lacks communication in the form of discourse - ‘there was a plane crash in france’.. ‘incidentally’... talk of some universal instability which I could sense as a feeling.

On top of this, although it may appear irrelevant, is the pervasive notion that there are entities (who I would associate with a daughter/wife) which exist in me whose perceptions are being manipulated. As if I am being tortured by people in one world, who drive these entities out into another where the torturers also exist, but where I’m painted in a negative light and these entities are convinced to reproduce or follow my abusers based on my apparent inability to be a good father/husband. With only an instinctive awareness coupled with objective reason, it feels as if something has been implanted in me from which I can’t escape, and it is draining my emotions. Objective, rational analysis or emotional clarity within a social system appears to be null and void here as whoever is grinding down my soul does not appear to want to see it - it could simply be a x implanted in me for all I can tell, but it reacts directly to my thoughts, and has forced me to inhibit any freedom of sense, terraforming my entire neurological landscape into something that’s acceptable from their frame of reference, as opposed to a space in which to model reality and find a way to better connect with everything. It’s interesting. And if I have responsibility for someone elses feelings, of course it’s my duty to make my own internal world a little more comfortable and inviting, although I am attached to my freedom - I have been defending myself for years because of where I imagined my intelligence could lead, or the way it could shape the world as I knew it.