It’s my philosophy that destructive force is the bane of progress, and that it is really creative attempts at growth which will enable progress beyond those points. There are brighter futures. When I’m not constantly the focus of attacks, I can see them, perhaps even free them. Perhaps I should join the circus.
All my focus recently has been on trying to protect my mind. In the manner and space in which information is presented to me by these attacks, it seems a layer of cognitive process is being removed - awareness of time in the context of conscious, calculated processing of events (including the influence of causality in the creation of momentary states). In my dreams, since recent events, there is a great reduction in self-awareness - my behavior when consciously analyzed appears to be a devolution, that I am a vegetable or act in an ape-like manner, semi-conscious observation of and reaction to external events, that all that’s left are my memories, as opposed to creative force. I often feel as if I am being eaten alive by organisms which are incapable of understanding things which exist outside of their frame of reference - or that, in their quest for self actualization and improvement, destroy that which they observe -
“We ruin all. We ruin all. We ruin all.”
As if this is a succinct yet all encompassing mantra. On the x-axis. If you’re a blunt object. But it drags you down, forces you to focus on the implicit frame of reference, and will not listen to ANY evidence to the contrary - it will not attempt to change its state. It is immune from or ignorant to, willfully “we know. we know. we know.” or otherwise, a higher level understanding.
“you failed all. we failed you. you failed all.”
It is extremely difficult to ignore, if ignorance is indeed the way to nullify its destructive effect on higher level context - certainly, any attempt at reasoning is not. Biological attack in abstract space.
An interesting thing to note - I am often, without question or higher level cognition, integrating humanly created structures into my equations as if they were absolute. Generally, before, I would deconstruct these from alternate frames of reference, or regard them as irrelevant to my own identity, entangled as it was with the structure of my cognition, and potentially the manner which I was understood from external frames of reference - the latter, however, was somewhat mitigated by the former, provided I had the space to objectively analyse them. Although this sounds like a sociopathic approach it at least allowed a level of freedom from the often arbitrary and in my case, inhibitory manner in which states were framed. This is not to say that my intent was any less empathetic, or as the process may suggest, that increased cognition of a holistic nature is at the expense of connection between individuals. That expense appears to be, in my case, the result of a stupid name that I neither wanted nor deserved.
Any doubts I have about myself are jumped upon by the ‘external observer’. They appear to be using those pathways, originally intended to allow greater recognition of one's flaws, as validation of their ‘position’ - it seems the self correction pathways have been entangled with auditory form, attacks which appear to attempt to force their state into an absolute, or to force my state into one of conflict as opposed to resolve. “We know.” Reiterating the hopelessness of the situation. I have often noted, internally at least, that the treatment appears to inhibit certain pathways, internal states, etc, as dealing with the attack in those moments is often emotionally unsettling - that observation and interaction, especially of the manner in which it is currently occurring, changes the outcome of those pathways or states. Often it requires incredible - as far as I am aware, needlessly large - amounts of focus in order to retain stability.
I feel like my secrets should be guarded, but here, I wanted to demonstrate the degeneration of intelligent and empathetic reasoning when forcefully immersed in environments of conflict. That is to say that the ardor involved in competing with your fellow man in a less than amicable manner is not so much as akin to intelligence as it is to a sense of self validated based on position in some arbitrary hierarchy in which you are invested. Perhaps an external viewpoint doesn't invalidate this - perhaps it simply allows greater cognition of your own investment - but I would suggest that empathetic understanding is the 'truer' intelligence, given that most systems of communication evolved or are designed to allow greater connection between the internal states of organisms : I sincerely hope this is not a regression and that systems of greater complexity can emerge from this, if that indeed is the goal.
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