Notes

Since the first, and so far, only major attack - I don’t recall the date - I have lost a great deal of my mental faculties and am struggling to regain them. The pure fear I experienced, and the speed at which my mind had to turn in order to survive, left me in a state of shock and, after the ordeal, with little control over my internal impulses. This problem became accentuated by what appeared to be the presence of other humans in my mind perceiving my internal state . My impulses - essentially reactions I had little control over, pathways I had etched into my mind as a matter of necessity in order to react quickly enough to the event - were, as I recall, dangerous in that environment. Not to the people around me, but to myself, based on how I would be perceived in that frame of reference. I had to consciously subdue those impulses by essentially redirecting them to physical convulsions. My immediate external environment seemed to treat me without much consideration for the events I had been a part of - it seemed like, and I reiterate seemed, that the crux of what I was subjected to were attempts at control without regard for my fragile state at the time - perhaps in spite of it, or possibly due to it.

The pattern which emerged, which I’m just able to coherently communicate, is one of juxtaposed states - the external attempts at control seem to be focused on placing me in situations of extreme contradiction : a manipulation of polarity it seems, within the confines of systems which are perhaps arbitrary in definition. While this form of control was practiced in slightly less magnificent proportion before - “hate you. I love you.” - it’s now extended to juxtaposition between my internal state, manipulated by deliberate barrages of negative influences, and situations where the feelings that it creates in me are not appropriate in terms of social cohesion. It feels, at the very least, a deliberate attempt to make my life a misery, though more often than not my mind is in a slightly altered state of awareness in which the consequences of these external influences and their effect on my internal state are much more far reaching. It almost feels like it’s being wielded as a weapon - I feel as if it is being used to blackmail me, to force control into the hands of people, who quite honestly, are prepared to use that kind of manipulation as a means of control.

Everything is veiled here - besides, it seems, me. I feel like there is an eye on my internal state at all times. In a sense, that’s rather reassuring. If it’s true then what I’ve seen, where I’ve been should have at least some effect on the confidence in the methods I’m currently being subjected to. That treatment and the frustration it leads to I attribute at least partly to my inability to gracefully communicate by other means - it stifles the development of skills which require focus, devotion and a relatively ‘normal’ environment. I can’t focus on it always - everything’s a distraction when you’re asked to interact with multiple frames of reference, generally all habitual for those who are attached to them - and when I am unable to is when the majority of negative feedback takes place. I wonder, assuming my assessment of the situation is valid at all considering the lack of solid information about the current oddly entangled state, if those who are attempting to negatively influence me are aware of that information at all, or the information I have access to in certain states of awareness.

I believe it goes without saying that the whole experience is categorized by emotion, by instinct. The fact that I feel so strongly is an advantage to those who use emotion as a tool to manipulate.