Aimless, vulgar and barely interesting. Am I unaware right now? Somebody knows and it's not them.

I spent a long time in the dark, and then I had an epiphany. I decided I was going to invest it all in my children’s future.

Throughout life, I had endeavoured to learn how to cultivate and make use of my intelligence and emotion for positive change, coupled with my the potential, of own admission, for my frame of reference to be one of naivety. I suppose that this is something a lot of people aspire to when faced with the opportunity. While it took some time, during which I must have appeared lazy, lifeless and perhaps useless beyond psychological experimentation to an outside observer, actively sought out and passively absorbed information and rarely conformed to the expectations of society, I eventually happened upon both an understanding and a reason conducive to make that change and to set a course. The hurdles I ran into at this point were external in nature. Emotional blackmail of various forms. The decision to utilize a most convincing method of control - social / environmental insults. At it’s heart is the expression that information available to them is not available to the accused - in essence the cultivation of self-doubt, of feelings of unworthiness, of helpless desperation, and an inability to gel with the social network. This became unavoidable in day-to-day life, making lasting internal organisation difficult due to the frequent frustration it caused, forcing me to pour all my intellectual resources into dealing with their source. Without an outlet, the conflict is internalized - there is no way to deal with the external insults.

Now the mafia have intervened in my life and are taking everything I earn from me. There seems little point in fighting, although I have tried. Effort I expend to achieve anything is essentially worthless. Used against me. The harder I fight the more they interfere, and the more they interfere the more I’m driven to insanity, bitterness and anguish. I’ve learned - and I would wager that they know - that there’s a very tangible method of driving somebody to this. All I can do exist on the edge of humanity, in stasis, and I probably would have committed suicide already if I didn’t understand the value of what’s being kept from me.

I would imagine it works like this : you escape, and you’re seen as a threat/target. You’re isolated (because escape can be communicated throughout the network). You’re forced into a new prison - one that’s essentially inescapable, but also bears very little in terms of tangible value that could be taken and funneled into their cause. That could be the reason it’s reserved for the disobedient. People who are unlikely to break free (for example, a self sustaining ego trip that would be threatened by the propagation of an alternate perspective) are chosen and used as antagonists, unreachable, kept in place by a network of understanding that affirms their actions. They are used to harass and mentally molest you, increasing in frequency and intensity the closer you get to having a lasting effect on the universe, ie, having kids, building relationships, doing anything other than sitting on your own completely still slowly dying.

With the concurrent cultivation of awareness of my position in time as it is currently understood, and the resultant implicit responsibilities - indeed, at its heart was simply the motivation to improve myself to the best of my ability - as I mentioned previously, a source of immense frustration when coupled with the insults of my environment, which essentially holds my state in place - that awareness can simply not coexist without detriment to my composure.