A few friends (I'd word this better but I'm being eaten alive by whispers) get together - there's this 'experiment' we're all doing. We try it in small bursts, coming back and talking about it, confirming with each other that it works. Some people have done it before, I'm fairly new to it. Taken to a back room - I'm shown a 'machine' that has something to do with it. It has a 'coolant system', I notice kind of precariously balanced. 'Travel' involves some form of deep hibernation. We're all connected there.
At some kind of equinox point, I see Earth from space. People are making/have made symbols with rock formations you can see from Earth. Mainly smiley faces. I watch one guy - he models it in some computerized tool, then I see a timelapse video of him creating it in real life.
I see /something/. I've gone pretty deep. A lot of people 'know' about me somehow. Get (lost)? Or find somewhere.. a woman with a record collection saying that I need a certain record.
Find myself at the start of a racetrack. A couple of celebrities are there. They mention that 'that's our guy'. We exchange words. For some reason I have a really heavy heart. Saddened by something - get the sense that this whole time they've been harvesting my energy - they talk about me with respect, I respect them back, but part of me knows I'm being used (I could have said 'part of me knows they're taking me for a ride'. I guess I'm trying to remain neutral. These puns are not intended). They start their engines.
There's a girl I'm following. I'm trying to get her attention but she ignores me. I start shaking her arms and speaking loudly but she doesn't seem to recognize my existence. She gets to (her house) and locks the door.
I'm left with a written phrase. This (perhaps due to the attacks on my nervous system / the habitual reactions developed due to the painful experiences I was exposed to) metamorphosizes into another word. I have no response to this. The sound of a fart. I'm still. Expressionless. I don't think I want to react - I guess I'm attempting to retain stability in the wake of attempts at influencing my state in a negative manner. A faint image of an equally expressionless girl staring back at me.
Snippet of a song, sung by a girl with a beautiful voice : "Run. A door. A horrible whore."
-
Yesterday, walking through town, I seemed a little more impervious to the psychic intrusions. This is good progress - I start to feel my soul coming back to me - though generally this requires what I (but others might not) consider extreme measures in the form of mental habits - limitation of my conception as a defensive measure. Also, to be frank, the constant monitoring is having an extremely negative impact on my libido - my 'imagination', in part, designed to keep my soul (alive / free), is one of the core fundamentals of this process. Thus, I guess I'm thinking inappropriate sexual things, though this seems to actually be in response to the monitoring, rather than in spite of it. At any rate, in my imagination, I seem to only be finding paths that are stable and 'justified' emotionally - in all cases it's an attempt at mutual connection, not a detached 'negation' at the expense of someone else's feelings. Being exposed to internet pornography is having an extremely detrimental effect on my soul. It's as if I'm being forcefully starved, tied down and having to resort to watching rich people feast. I'm at peace with it if there's a realistic chance of survival, but I'm losing hope. I could be in more dire situations, and I truly care about those that are - note that the intelligence I was developing took them into account - but, though it is not a case of immediate survival, it is still a tangible threat to it once unbounded by the 'moments' conception of time. It becomes a hell as soon as I realize the reality of the situation. It's not as if I'm not trying - I've been attacked incessantly since I decided to choose a path, even when that path was devoted to tandem intelligent development, in terms of unified, compassionate conception.
Toward the end of the excursion I found myself vulnerable again - my mind, again, impulsively reacting in inappropriate ways, including simple 'derogatory' reactions to thoughts and imagination which don't appear to be my own (as if I'm compensating for someone else's lack of better judgement - a 'forced' reaction in time - someone elses - creating an emotional dissonance based on a response I know to be false), to these occasionally horrific and equally socially inappropriate 'biological landscapes'. This is where I'm forced - not where I choose to go - the imbalance caused by this inhabitation of my carrier of intelligence along with the damage that it has caused has led to this state.
Feels as if my 'heart' is being cut off from my 'mind', though my mind continues to reproduce in manners / directions not followed by my 'emotional compass', almost becoming separate from me in the process, or confusing me with something/someone else. Sounds mildly like an abstraction of the process of cancer. This internal state is seemingly mimicked by a subset of members of the external environment - though generally their response is an assertion of being 'lower' than them. One possibility is that my code has been modified, the predictable habits of the general public have been (forcefully) assigned value on this asserted social scale. As if like my code is being read by a 'heartless' process - I'm not sure if (some of these mimics) have any soul at all, or are simply a process. Others seem more balanced emotionally / have a more mutual understanding.
A lot of the time I get headaches - it feels like my mind is suffocating. When I can actively use my imagination, my mind can 'breathe' again, though the external responses to this are often extremely painful when I attain that state - it feels as if a carefully designed system of 'nerves' designed to carry emotion are being chewed on by observers. The 'opinion' of these observers seem to be influenced or controlled by a persuasive, emotionally weighted 'system' in which their imaginations are contained and have complete faith in (rather, complete faith that their 'souls' should be invested in this system, that it enables a completely correct(?) interpretation of the state of another - thus, investment of time in systems alternate to this one, or deconstructive analysis of the system of containment (in my case, motivated by the development of a more 'unified' emotional system outside of this), are derided or actively attacked in the 'moment' in which they interact). This is not to say the state of being observed in this space is always of detriment or dissonant - to begin with, there were people and other organisms all interacting on some 'neutral' emotional level, as though the 'currency' of information communicated between us was love - essentially an extremely malleable form of intelligence, which was able to find a deep mutual connection between vastly different 'bio-directional' states. In my experience, some of these 'other beings' were extremely kind, generous, offering me some form of (energy), I get the sense simply due to the configuration of my 'state' or that I could perceive them at all? I generally could go to these places at will, 'returning' and (attempting to use my intelligence in more constructive forms within my immediate social system, though this is often subverted by external interference).
As this process developed, it appears a system of social dominance appeared to be asserting itself at me - rather, that at a certain point I was inhabited by an order who attempted to lay claim to my mind - framed as (a race? which does not account for the roots of or negates external emotional state). As I keep trying to tell them, if they are using my mind as a foundation, eventually this system will crumble due to the abuse of the tenets of system which holds their 'state' - in other words, they will exhaust their carrier - their 'time compression' techniques not accounting for stability in time within that carrier. Before reaching this state, I had an intuitive notion of a method which actually allowed stability in time - though (at the very least, the development of) this knowledge was tied to the correct interpretation of underlying 'emotional state' - in essence, I was very careful to both 'propagate and reproduce emotion', to consider it an 'objective truth', and develop a carrier system capable of containing it for an indefinite period - I was attempting to externalize this knowledge in 'physical' reality, or model this system in a tangible, reproducible, mathematically validatable form. Though, as I have stated previously, my attempts to follow these avenues of systemic knowledge are often seemingly intentionally interfered with. I'd speculate that, while they account for emotion, often attempting to control it, they do not consider the 'harmony' between emotional states a valuable goal - again, it appears that within the confines of their understanding, it is framed as a 'race' in which control of emotion and knowledge is considered 'success', allowing them freedom at the expense of another. This, I'd imagine, is presupposed contextually by a 'limit' on time and space. (In some ways, this is reflected in the natural world - organisms evolving and developing based on their own limitations). This is exactly what I was attempting to account for - a system which accounted for the limitations of the development in time of these organisms, understanding the (not accounting for some future understanding which may negate this claim) nature of the essentially limitless and complex paths these organisms may take, the relative 'value' of these paths (as opposed to a subjective value from some external position) along with a method for the 'creation' of inhabitable space/time.
It appears that our species has attained some form of 'balance' in tandem with this system, though depth of emotion and understanding is at the heart of the stability of our development through time. An environment of constant threat in time forces an innate sense - emotion, in essence, an intuitive/instinctive understanding of repercussions of events throughout time. We seem to have developed to 'hold' a great depth, though this is as much of a blessing as it is a curse for those who are forced to experience the negative. (As a side note, constant exposure to the negative in me has greatly damaged my imagination, forcing me, as a survival strategy, to limit my internal conception, or its spread throughout my imagination - its functional utilization in terms of accuracy of model of reality carried by imagination). Though it appears that, as we attempt to free ourselves from the bounds of these constant threats from external sources (by creating our own environments), we are threatened by ourselves - the environments we create for ourselves - i.e. assertion of social dominance (the 'currency' of information exchange, be that cultural, character, linguistic, economic, musical, etc). It's possible that all of these systems are capable of balance with one another, it's simply my experience which leads me to believe that there are certain forms which lead to imbalance as an inevitable consequence of (development in a direction decided by a certain vector and the nature of the intelligence to which it leads). Again, the product of a 'limit' on time, this one defined by the systems we create to hold ourselves. The idea that 'compression' of state into a fixed interpretation in time creates a weighted vector - if that weighted vector is not well defined, it can be dissonant with the philosophy mentioned above (relative 'value' as opposed to subjective interpretation of value). That philosophy, that intuitive understanding, has been 'abused' in me a number of times. First with the threat of nuclear war - as if my mind was forced, in a very short amount of time, to 'avoid' paths, or 'carried' people away from the explosions my imagination was exposed to - it was 'emotional truth', or rather, the understanding of organisms on more fundamental terms, as well as accepting their current state of internal development as 'objective truth', and the nature of the objective mistake in interpretation of them, which would have led to that decision having been made. I was also formally abused at Womad 2012, an emotional 'concentration camp', in which I was methodically abused by a large number of people - forcing me to 'lift' them into my dreams in an attempt to save my life from their abuse/misinterpretation and the effects it would have on my future (and, no matter if there were 'ulterior motives', i.e. if the event was 'staged', the act itself implied a limited understanding of the reality of the emotional state of another organism). If I'm not mistaken, this habit, if repeated indefinitely, will result in endless conflict / imbalance. It appears the philosophy of those who repeat this action is one which actually limits holistic intelligence / imagination - the carrier of emotional state - so, though those emotions may be condensed, it will be at the expense of their carrier. At another point, referred to previously, what I appear to have been subjected to is an order, distributed throughout a network, which interprets every state it observes as 'humour' - as if there is some algorithm spread throughout the collective neural network of this order which interprets what it observes as humour at all points in time, before it has a chance to more holistically develop in tandem with that it observes (though, of course, I am careful not to discount that this may have be 'staged', my point still stands - negativing the relative 'objective reality' of the emotion of the biological system it observes). This situation was coupled with the sensation of being 'crushed', 'squeezed' or 'suffocated', which I naturally responded negatively toward.
On further analysis of my system of interpretation before these events took place, it seems as if there was already an 'order' in place, the unity of chaotic states as well as a conception of time, a state which allowed mutual comprehension between all manner of independent entities which entered that carrier. It appears that what characterizes those who have attempted to dominate control over my mind is the inability to conceive of the order of that state, instead attempting to create its own order which carries it (which is understandably due to the inability of their states to cope, or gain stability emotionally, in an environment which threatens them). Here, it appears that this has been reflected within the imaginations of these beings - a recursive algorithm in which the 'lowest' carrier state is incapable of accounting for alternate carrier states, including those they inhabit.
In other news, Doseone, dude, you are my hero.
Eclipsed.
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