14-15092013

This place is a grinning nightmare.

Right. Up. Against. My. Face.
Intercepting. My. Thoughts.
Eating. My. Mind. Imagination. Time.

The one thing it never seems to learn - that the act itself is ethically unjustifiable on many levels and in some cases, a contradiction in terms.

If I walked around the streets naked, I'd be arrested. Jailed. That'd be ironic. Considering it observes and responds to the majority of my most personal thoughts and feelings. Whether or not it understands those feelings from an apparent 'objective' perspective is irrelevant - the evidence points to a 'socially biased' interpretation, however - as it is neglecting the validity of my negative reaction to the treatment, which, you'd imagine, would be the most fundamentally important aspect to consider. 'They' consider themselves to be taking the correct course of action - with the knowledge I had instinctive access to before this, it was quite easy to see how a biased process like this might spread throughout a social network. It's basically violently molesting me in the most 'socially justifiable' manner possible, though I'd imagine the level of control it has over peoples perceptions is the reason it can become socially justifiable. There's also the matter of its interactions with me biasing my own responses - it is essentially judging me, though confusing the 'true' me with a response to the influence of its actions on an external system of relative unknown foundation (so, a reflection of itself, on the basis that 'it' is true, and 'I' am simply an external entity which it is judging) - and eroding my intelligence, imagination, libido, health, my overall will to live. 'It' is transparent to itself. And if it is 'gathering information', that information hardly seems contextually relevant outside of 'how will a person respond to intrusive and invasive treatment if we act as if that treatment is justified'. This, throughout history, is well established knowledge, and it is also well established that it is often garnered by ethically unjustifiable means. The most lateral of minds may be able to apply that information elsewhere, but the most fundamental point which eliminates the need for most of this is the ability to use ones own imagination to generate that information themselves. I am being 'starved' of that ability by this treatment.

It's like playing chess with death. It's fucking horrific at times. It responds to or influences (due to the erosion of a grounded internal intelligence) my thoughts and by extension my emotional state through environmental cues - as if it has a split second to react between an unconscious decision reaching a conscious state, responding in an often cruel and derogatory manner, reflections of my momentary state, taunts me with 'dogs', asserting that it has control over me, etc. Inside, if, as is a fundamental trait of human existence, I wish to escape into my imagination (to sleep or daydream), it is responded to by whispers, flashes of imagery, or external information. I cannot stress enough how much this is of detriment to the majority of aspects of my being. An eye, a voice, and not a kind one, constantly in my ear, whispering as soon as I slip into alternate states of consciousness outside of completely isolated momentary reaction, observing my mind. A 'socially' (in the form of culturally or socially predetermined 'maps' of responses - rash judgements, associations I have little control over) biased interpretation is intrusively spreading itself throughout my mind, which I'm constantly having to compensate for. As well as this, the 'biologically' biased interpretation I have previously mentioned will also occasionally intrusively overtake my otherwise emotionally stable intelligence.

It doesn't consider that because of this, I am often on the verge of mental breakdown or physical exhaustion. These do not qualify as valid states to which to respond to on a compassionate basis. On reflection it appears that I have experienced a great many emotionally harrowing / terrifying experiences which are alien to those observing me - it's understandable they may not have any conceptual grounding from which to relate to those experiences, or have the ability to comprehend that these states could exist at all. I don't blame them for that - though I have given enough evidence in the form of objective reason and rational, ethical reason, as well as the blatant, often agonising emotional responses, for the discontinuation of this treatment.

I want to point out that the intelligence of the kind I developed before the truly invasive treatment was both capable of negating the need for this kind of treatment and malleable enough to 'travel' to different planes of existence. Productively utilizing imagination systemically and with a foundation of emotional balance - that is, with the emotions of those I came into contact with there.

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Dreamt of a 'promiscuous' club... A voice exclaiming "look what they're doing to your dreams". Two naked girls (and my immediate subconscious response here is 'one cup') rubbing their vaginas against me. I won't claim this is an unpleasant experience, but it's quickly subverted. One of the girls is angry with me, though I don't remember the initial reason - 'you said we were just friends'. I'm a little confused by this. I don't recall an action that warranted this - I think, my initial feeling, is simply that my dreams were being inhabited and was frustrated for this reason, so perhaps that's confused with possessiveness? (I could otherwise account for it were I not paralyzed by it). I meet an 'effigy' of a very famous musician, who claims 'you taught me everything I know' - seems friendly enough, and I want to talk more, but my mind is being pulled toward the female of the species. Everywhere I look, people in real life and on monitors having sex. I feel utterly helpless there - like I'm paralyzed or I'm locked into a maze it's becoming. Subconscious response : 'ow, my balls'.

From a psychological standpoint - it's not as though this world is unattractive, provided you're actually a part of it. However, it seems to negate 'love' - mutual, deep attachment - and select for something else. Perhaps it considers emotion a resource to be utilized (its responses to my moment to moment thoughts suggests this)? I'll note that its (creation) in me was capable of sustaining itself when I had autonomous control. Its inhabitation of my dreams seems like the ultimate irony - for a world like this to exist, that'd require vast amounts of intellect and creative imagination, a handle on the fundamentals of the universe, and so on, to create a system that could support this world. That's not to suggest the moral and ethical implications aren't a little dubious too, though what those may be probably shifts with age, the situations to which you are exposed, the overall composure of your intelligence, and place within a (as my position evidences) a system of rather large disparity. That it is 'inhibiting' my intelligence for the sake of its 'inhabitation' - rather than allowing time for the development and externalization of that intelligence - my minds eye is being exposed to a world which, due to the nature of that exposure over time, is becoming increasingly difficult to become a part of or to create. I suppose due, in part, to the loss of internal autonomy due to such vast inhabitation. If 'that world' and I were separate, for example, I would be a much better candidate for being a part of it, while still retaining the core qualities / intelligence that might have a positive impact on the world, however small - though I had some more grandiose ideas, or at least, believed that they could be achieved given (an environment which is not targeting / attacking / misinterpreting me on deeper and deeper levels, as well as the ability to retain a firm grip on objective reality, or the parts which are 'self evident' given the limitations of a system which is unable to perceive it). Part of the reason for both the conception of those ideas and them becoming 'possible' is simply the development of creative imagination - in 'the real world', this appears to be realized socially rather than individually - though I believe a neglected notion is one in which the social framework may 'limit' the forms intelligence / imagination may take. That is, many of the worlds most pressing problems are due to the limits of conception when fully immersed in these distributed systems of understanding.