20130827
20200116
(Facebook post)
This, happening in some form without fail every time I relax or try to sleep. Along with frequent squeezes, pulses, tickles in my legs, lips, pelvic muscles and undercarriage..
Images somehow transmitted in to my minds eye, generated outside the scope of my conscious state, usually conflicting with some balanced process I used to hold, where I was free to imagine and dream, interrupting my thought process and any attempt to rehabilitate my essentially paralysed mind by channelling my own will through it in my own language...
Plus auditory interference, usually in the form of short phrases of code in a social context, usually a characterisation of some projected characteristic, inferring a place above it and validating it that way, with the same disruptive result..
Plus a 'whisper' in my right ear that feels like it's moving, burning into my dreams and feels so intimate it's like being molested..
All of this resolving the 'quantum superpositions' held in my mind that held numerous possibilities, states which dictated the flow of choices. Now feeling like it's responding to the momentary state of my intelligence, which it has failed to resolve correctly, and then punishes me by interfering in the appropriate manner if I get stressed, or have a thought which causes "it" imbalance (which might not have occured at all if the process hadn't mangled / paralysed / conditioned my thoughts beyond all recognition).
This keeps me awake almost every night. It often carries on throughout the day as well. It is particularly disruptive tonight, and I didn't sleep last night either thanks to this. And when it doesn't keep me awake it still occurs, varying degrees of strength, still so disruptive I am unable to sleep without wearing headphones. I feel like the process has killed part of me. Literally burned some tangible part of my physiological state with relentless stress, and is now using the corpse of my dreams to carry itself.
My core intelligence hasn't been damaged (yet), so that can still manifest in other forms, but now instead of being synchronous and integral with my imagination, now whatever my imagination holds is in conflict with the intelligence supposedly generating it (mainly 2 dimensional images of people - amongst other things, 2 seconds of a couple fucking standing up last night, for example, while I lay there helpless and can only react - this is pertinent as that is the corpse of the space where I'd be dreaming, where there was once a complex emergent spacetime, carrying experiencable mass and time and complex emotions, resolving into innate intelligence and that carried my soul.)
I feel like screaming pretty much every day. I have experienced unimaginably horrifying states, ranging from my mind just plain burning, being eaten by tongues, feeling my body be digested from the inside out, the list gets way worse and goes on and on, there's just too much to even be aware of it. What was once incredible, compassionate, loving, timeless intelligence, manifesting as a nightmare.
I inevitably come home to what I just described.
Then I go outside. That is often even worse, absurd levels of stress caused by collective behaviours, the spread of conditioned language, the immersion in a completely human environment dictated by relationships between identities, in which the majority of people are immersed and cannot escape from, incapable of identifying with what exists outside of it's scope (often encapsulated by aforementioned conditioned language, derogatory terms, that infer a position above someone else in a hierarchy of identities, and make us the untouchable arbiter of virtue, the perfectly justified judge : "vile", conditioned into us by tabloid headlines, a reaction that is an emotional response, a conclusion where there would have once been time devoted to (perhaps the correct) reaolve, an assertion of state, statement of our own superiority, habitual judgement which clearly does not encapsulate the state of a human being or anything else, no bearing outside the scope of a fundamentally flawed blueprint of what a human being is). The kind of collective behaviour that threatens our very earth, and therefore a problem as hopeless, trying to spread itself into your mind incessantly with adverts dictating the framework of reality ("meat" is "normal" to eat) and a bunch of people filling in the blanks and validating these realities based on the blueprint of virulent code that is the tabloids.
Other, more direct causes of stress, insults, rude gestures, all forced upon someone who once spent his life nocturnal just so he could study and create in peace. So he could cultivate his intelligence outside of a social setting. I have never been truly alone and acting in my own context with my own will intact since the auditory interference started, although I had big problems earlier than that too.
This, if I compare it to my childhood states, and I bet in comparison to most of your current ones, is basically like living in Hades with an insect in your body who has burrowed in to your testicles and your dreams burned by a whisper carried by a flamethrower. It feels hot. I have struggled and burned for a long time. An absurd nightmare in absurd quantities.
