Meanwhile, I'm worried about putting any more information into my already crowded skull, just in case I am further emotionally scarred / emotionally scar anybody else. In this state, I can't think much at all without whispering, high pitched frequencies, flashes of imagery, burning balls, molestation, ticks in various body parts, snipping in my brain, throat and testicles, condescension, and emotional contradiction. My memories become 'bones', states which my neural pathways immediately lead to in response to environmental cues, as opposed to the creative intelligence which I had propagated throughout my entire mind before, with respect to these things but which worked within its own paradigm of understanding.
I am attempting not to forget the soulful intelligence that this state has mangled, or the horrendous emotional torture that led here. It feels like a 'game' the alternate players can only 'win' by forcibly burning any intelligence which might be contrary to it - this is deliciously ironic in my case, due to the fact that my intelligence would have accounted for their states in a rational, understanding manner. The fact it has to inhabit my imagination seems to suggest a wholly different paradigm of understanding, though I had the capacity before to cycle through many, whilst this is completely solidified - an arbitrary set of rules iterated upon in a carrier of otherwise great plasticity.
Also, I don't think I can use my imagejaculateination any more, through fear of interference and/or molestation by people who are unwilling to look away or understand. I know this is not an unusual state to be in, but in my case it feels very much like 'giving up' on love, the development of it within my own imagination so that I can 'externalize' it or use it to refine my own structures. It is one of the few things keeping my imagination intact and hope alive, but there seems little point when the processes I develop are 'observed' or 'interfered with' in a forceful, uninvited manner.
This morning I woke up with a (feline?) chewing on my left inner ear. This may not be news. It seems to have nothing better to do than bother me.
I am worried about the state of mind of the people around me. Seeing as the barrier between their 'assertions' and my internal state thins as both their focus on me and abusive treatment continues. Their minds seem a network of understanding which act as socially validated 'echochambers', for lack of a better term, though I have already analysed this in great detail - the spread of non-empirically validated information through a network due to the constraints of an environment. At times it is a 'scary ass' process, like a bunch of mouths which are bouncing information around in a pitch black carrier. As if eyes are rolling into the back of their heads and mouths are 'firing information' about their structure. In this state specifically, it seems that it is patterns of speech which are the carrier of this process, a self validating process within the context of a social network. They have a 'map' which coincides with reality somewhat, though their attempts to define it in the context of my carrier are of detriment to its substance. There also seems to be an attempt at the dispersion of the paradigm of 'correctness' at every moment, from the context of the observer, which in my case interferes with or is of detriment to the development of skill.
While it is undoubtedly an efficient strategy in the context of social bonding, which I personally have no problem with provided I can distance myself from it, theirs seem to regurgitate responses to information as quickly as it is received, framing their perspective as superior or as a state of self professed 'correctness' which frames individuals or networks who don't adhere to their structures as incorrect or without merit, without time to challenge it from more thoroughly validated perspectives, or for them to communicate the validity of their order in a manner which is not of detriment to alternative orders. In my case, it is almost as if my thoughts are 'grabbed' out of thin air and their nature or source misinterpreted.
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