Notes : 24122013

Not understanding something and developing in a direction which is contarary to it is not the same as not needing that something which you don't understand. Especially if

you're inhabiting the cells of a host organism

I should be able to sit up on my own late at night. I should be able to choose to go outside and run. I should be able to dream my own dreams. To think about the universe, or to spend three hours thinking about the rest of time. I should be able to focus on a thought of my own choosing.

I should be able to do these things without a whisper in my ear, or any interference besides my own doubt. If I can't, then something is wrong.

(It's resolving projected 'certainties' into the English language. "Clever died." "Robert died.")

Perhaps those are certainties that come about based on the code which carries the intelligence, as opposed to universally validatable certainties.

"Robert died" could be considered true in the sense that at some point in the future, there's a likelihood of that happening, or that something had its own internal representation of what it considers "Robert" that has been compromized (the same can't really be said of my internal representation, especially at this level, where most of the complex systems from which the intelligence I developed and was enangled with emerged have been 'burned out' by this process). However, if that is communicated in the form of a 'whisper' in the (arbitrary? code of the) English language, one which fails to account for the complexity of the structure of the host, that realization and repeated assertion will probably do more harm to the 'Robert' that's alive right now.)

(By the constant repetitive reassertion of its interpretation (in an extremely dissonant manner) it has the effect of forcing a conscious structure whose very 'essence' is potential in time into a planar conscious moment defined by its code. My initial feeling was that it was 'burning' through a host structure that was invisible to it, but that I'd both consciously and subconsciously been developing. I'd suggest that due to the simplicity of its 'survival strategy' it simply does not require the development of complex intelligence (though I'd suggest that through reiteration that 'complexity' will emerge, but perhaps not in the form of intelligence), but with that comes a caveat - without that intelligence, its framework of understanding is rather limited, and therefore the network on which it bases its choices of actions (which are inherently internal) is flawed. That its development requires 'burning' through a conscious mind is an indication of that.)

It attempts to entangle internal processes with its 'control structures' through the use of repetitive, intrusive information. Given enough, this forms internal habits which it can intercept. The reason, if it could be construed as a reason, that it chooses to do this is probably closely knit to the reason outlined above. It's actively torturing.



( This is generally in whisper form. It will repeat back thoughts, though it's essentially locked my conscious mind into thinking in 'language' rather than force, colour, image, abstraction. It 'responds' with judgement to states of awareness. These are generally part of an ongoing process, generally guided based on the underlying fundamentals of intelligence, that it interferes with.) (Part of the problem is that the 'language' that it speaks, especially in the carrier it's attempting to inhabit, while powerful in terms of requiring constant attention, does not account for the majority of the conscious mind.) This also goes for the 'tinnitus' like sensations, too. It feels like a burning ring being pushed into my ear.

---- In response to 'states of awareness' in active development, or occasionally on a whim : ----

We * it [hard] (it's emphasis, probably a 'hook').
* Cheat.
* Doomed.
* Fucked.
* Doubt.
* Loved.
* Found.
* Damned.
* Bleed.
* Dreamed.

We don't need it.
They don't need it.

Blood died.
Heat died.

We * it all.
* Lord
* Doomed
* Humoured
* Lowered
* Learned

Day died / Clever died / Robert died / You died
We hammered your world.
We don't look down / We can't look down
Give up Rob / Give up / Shut up.
Get out / Get out of my dreaming labyrinth.

(there are also sporadic mentions of "rot and die" - ambiguous terms? rot referring to the bitwise rotation and 'die' the plural of dice? of course, this is far more direct in terms of requirement of previous understanding of these concepts. Though that it speaks 'English' at all is also an odd circumstance itself.)
----
I should also note that before this began, my intelligence was of a completely different form. English language was the final part in a complex and consciously propagated processing chain. It appears more and more as if my internal responses are primed by language now - seeing as I have experience of alternate systems, this particular one is relatively narrow in scope, lacks internal agency, requires full investment in its structures, and so forth. I cannot think of many advantages. It's outlook is dull, treatment abusive (even if its 'delivery' is subtle), and will probably lead to the same place as every other poorly judged internal metric.

At the beginning of its induction (before which I'd never experienced any internal interference - though plenty of external interference of a emotionally and cognitively dissonant nature) the language / phrases used were slightly different - mentions of a dreaming labyrinth, "turn to shit", that "you never get out", that I held its child(?) - though it seems to have settled on the above formulaic responses, very rarely deviating from them.

I've considered these responses carefully, although that is difficult given that it actively interferes with most attempts at my own cognitive function. Excluding any meta-analysis (that this is a process injected by some other party for its own obscure reasons, for example, though I can account for the 'mistakes' in the framework that would lead to the decision to act in that manner, also : or that it is simply a web of neurological abstraction / a process which has developed its own 'self-contained state of awareness' - that is to say, a framework that seems coherent to a process invested in it. That, whatever the nature of the process, there's some form of 'reward mechanism'.)

I'm aware that, given the contextual framework / framework of understanding inferred by these responses, that at the very least it overestimates its own comprehension.

Phrases such as 'we learned it all', which it repeated far more frequently during the beginning of its inception, would imply that it would have learned enough not to destructively interfere with another organism. My own state of awareness had developed / was developing in this manner. I'd suggest that, that like plenty of biological processes, it utilizes a destructive process to validate itself, its output a hint at the more abstract notions it has attached itself to (the 'output' of the carrier protected by the destructive process).


This appears to be (at least from the perspective of analysis from a consciousness that has experienced a great many states of intelligence) a prime example of a distributed order that validates itself through either (force, in the case of the singular) or (habitual reassertion throughout a network). Again, that I am a target - that one of the requirements of its existence is regular reassertion of its interpretation at the expense of a carrier of complexity - indicates that its survival mechanisms are not capable of accounting for systems that it cannot comprehend, and instead attempts to damage them and 'force' them into structures of its own design. This is somewhat of a biological necessity, though before the intrusive attacks *within my carrier*, I was working on a system that would perhaps require less of this kind of habit, especially in a field of consciousness. This is neglecting to mention the external attacks. I feel as if I am being digested. And that I am completely surrounded by looming insanity.

For the most part, the information it responds with is generally irrelevant - it can occasionally elicit negative emotional response, but generally it is the 'vector' of introduction and incompatibility of the form of the information with the system it is attempting to propagate through which is damaging. It seems incapable of observation, acknowledgement or active cognitive processing (I guess this might seem obvious given more information about the process occurring) of any underlying process from which the information it is interpreting emerges. That, itself, is the result of a complex communication structure which quite consciously 'translates' itself into a form such as the English language. That's what's being intercepted : what the intrusive process understands of the partially resolved information of the process. A simplistic example of this would be

: potential X runs through a developing function toward an intended result (a text message, for example). The result of this function is then observed, internally, from a (relevant subset of) potential external response, and the process then reiterated upon. The result, here, is being intercepted by one of the responses listed above.

Generally, in the absence of interception, my own 'self-correction' pathways would run these through a (probability matrix?) that was itself growing, had developed over years and took a great deal into account.

Somewhat biased account, I guess. Though this is partially due to the lack of refinement of my own internal mechanisms due to this process. Though I am concerned about the state of my mind for a lot of reasons. So much of my awareness has been inhibited I'm essentially blind (relatively, in terms of scope of cognition and action based upon it), and this is, in part, due to the nature of a process which is constantly trying to resolve my state (which, as all biological processes are, is one which is concerned with potential in time) into a singular, arbitrary momentary definition. Given that my development before this treatment began was a successful 'proof of concept', in the sense that it could account for a myriad of biological structures, fundamentals of the universe, and more importantly, potential in time (and the stability of those processes within it). I'm emotionally stunted too, and feel as if the majority of my 'emotional responses' aren't my own anymore - that I'm reading someone else's rather impotent contextually primed interpretation and response to external/internal stimuli, which (if not simply painfully interfering with the development of my own cognitive processes) is then interpreted as 'my' response by 'something/someone else', and most of my waking conscious state is concerned with managing the symptoms of this treatment.


... Also, something seems to have attempted to inject an English language parser into my brain. (One that attempts to break down words into its constituent letters as if it holds some meaning - perhaps it does, but perhaps not in the context of an organ designed for some other task). It's poor at what it does, and largely contextually irrelevant. And it's probably less efficient than a bacteria designed to do the same job. Its induction was also so painful that it made me scream - like pulling out my eyes or painting over them with a corrosive substance.

The whole process seems to target and attack developing intelligence. I'm sure there are myriad potential reasons for that course of action, though in my case, the majority of those reasons can be attributed to misinterpretation of that intelligence, or clumsy development of its own structures.