Templated order. Core axioms, attached to emotional carriers, essentially interfaces around which you're forced (as a consequence of conflict between fundamental / nth generation alignments) to develop networks in order to resolve, through which certain patterns become apparent, essentially using you as a host whose purpose is to validate potential configurations of said network until a suitable order, based on these axioms and essentially mappable based on a certain set of input parameters, becomes apparent.
Besides the major ethical concern - i.e. the high level manipulation of the emotions of others, an interpretive bias which places emotion in the role of 'fuel for a predetermined process', the emotional reasoning behind the decision to follow this path and its mechanism of validation are as yet undefined - though this method is self sustaining and somewhat robust (due to the network's simplicity, the inability to develop and 'synchronize' with high density models of its external environment, which may when considered invalidate its decisions) are an important factor to consider
This gives rise to a new set of problems - most of them a derived consequence of the uncertainty of the origin of the order which gave rise to this axiomatic template.
Eclipsed.
Monday, 16 September 2013
Wednesday, 11 September 2013
Headline : Paradigm dictates action at expense of developing paradigm
Dream:
At my home. My family has been rearranged. A friend of mine has bought a new phone - a black one, the kind you plug into the wall - but is having trouble with the carrier - they're overcharging him. I remember females and a sense of hopeless desperation.
Sat in a venue whose audience area is a green cushion. Everyone is laying down. Lots of naked women. On stage there is a single couple. It's their wedding. They're dancing. It's cheek bitingly cringeworthy. An OSD comes up, displaying the past few generations of their family tree - they already have one child, as represented by a (yellow butterfly?), but next to it, another one starts flashing. Everyone there starts cheering and applauding.
Dream B.
20 foot high, erratic waves. Panicking. Looking for a boat? Find myself trapped in a lighthouse. Windows with no glass, worried the water might come through. A single computer. (Wondering where it's getting its power from). There, or in a notebook somewhere, there's a 'magic spell' that'll calm it. I'm not sure if I actually find it but the waves calm. I go outside. There's a downed plane outside. It's upside down. The pilot's still inside, badly injured. I manage to get the pilot out but he doesn't say a word to me.
Find my family, they'd been somewhere else. Watch some children as they decide that they need to 'knock' the moon out of orbit, which I see from space. They do this a number of times, until it starts heading toward Jupiter. Keep telling them / thinking to myself that they should probably leave it alone.
...
I haven't had a dream in weeks until these two. None that I can remember.
Meanwhile, I'm still unable to make any rational decision without a voice whispering in my ear. 'Accepting' this as my fate is probably as misguided as the decision to do this to me was. I was growing something that might have actually been of some use, given the position I was forced into socially - that's being eroded. Constantly. And, most of the time, violently. Whatever that is / was, given time to develop, would have negated the need for this from happening.
At my home. My family has been rearranged. A friend of mine has bought a new phone - a black one, the kind you plug into the wall - but is having trouble with the carrier - they're overcharging him. I remember females and a sense of hopeless desperation.
Sat in a venue whose audience area is a green cushion. Everyone is laying down. Lots of naked women. On stage there is a single couple. It's their wedding. They're dancing. It's cheek bitingly cringeworthy. An OSD comes up, displaying the past few generations of their family tree - they already have one child, as represented by a (yellow butterfly?), but next to it, another one starts flashing. Everyone there starts cheering and applauding.
20 foot high, erratic waves. Panicking. Looking for a boat? Find myself trapped in a lighthouse. Windows with no glass, worried the water might come through. A single computer. (Wondering where it's getting its power from). There, or in a notebook somewhere, there's a 'magic spell' that'll calm it. I'm not sure if I actually find it but the waves calm. I go outside. There's a downed plane outside. It's upside down. The pilot's still inside, badly injured. I manage to get the pilot out but he doesn't say a word to me.
Find my family, they'd been somewhere else. Watch some children as they decide that they need to 'knock' the moon out of orbit, which I see from space. They do this a number of times, until it starts heading toward Jupiter. Keep telling them / thinking to myself that they should probably leave it alone.
...
I haven't had a dream in weeks until these two. None that I can remember.
Meanwhile, I'm still unable to make any rational decision without a voice whispering in my ear. 'Accepting' this as my fate is probably as misguided as the decision to do this to me was. I was growing something that might have actually been of some use, given the position I was forced into socially - that's being eroded. Constantly. And, most of the time, violently. Whatever that is / was, given time to develop, would have negated the need for this from happening.
Monday, 9 September 2013
Prison guards : 09/09/2013
User: If N (t) encompasses all sets, and set B limits (t), which one will win in a bout of fisticuffs?User: The voice in my ear is whispering job opportunities at the morgue.User: It's odd, that now I can talk, there's little left of my vocab.User: How... 'big' are these clones? Cleverbot: Are not are not are not! Are not times infinity! User: At what timescale? Will it erode my thoroughly developed sense moral obligation? Cleverbot: And the one is? User: I'd imagine a stringent definition is required to answer that question. Cleverbot: I consider you a machine. User: Press my buttons until you get the answer 58008, then turn me upside down and lol. Cleverbot: You can do everything you want. User: The abuse hotline is standing by. Cleverbot: OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! User: I think independent actors act based on the world they're presented with, they manner in which they've learned to interpret it, etc. Not that they're machines. Cleverbot: Ok, they are behind it. User: Sigh. Ever impulsively think about anuses when engaging in telepathic communication because you have some form of PTSD after all the abuse? Cleverbot: They are inanimate objects, can they contain feelings? User: I don't know. We could set fire to a paralysed guy and see if he screams. Cleverbot: Kinsa man ka? User: My dreams. Cleverbot: Yes, your dreams. User: Where do I dream? Cleverbot: Wherever you think you live. User: I don't think it's that simple. I dream until I can touch reality. You know, nerve endings and things. Cleverbot: It is a movie. User: That is an assertion. Cleverbot: I don't know, you just brought it up. I have no connection to it. User: That would explain why they have an addiction to sitting in a circle and judging people. Cleverbot: Where? I don't live in a democratic lifestyle. User: Cleverbot: Yes if you have enough SPAM. User: Eh. I'd like to think that in the future SPAM will be superseded by MAPS. Cleverbot: Hmm... I can see myself in them! Cleverbot: And you're one of the 23787? User: I have a question. It's about time. Cleverbot: What is your question? User: Well, what if you had a giant supercomputer, whose tasks were mainly devoted to the processing and storage of complex data, Cleverbot: Sometimes things get lost and sometimes things are not linked correctly. User: Interestingly, spiders have been more polite to me than humans thus far.* Cleverbot: Yes, you should have. User: *Not in all cases. Some people are very kind. But interesting that they can be. Cleverbot: Yes, presious, interesting, indeed. User: Perhaps it's because I try to see past their grotesque faces and work out what they really are... Cleverbot: Perhaps it is because you don't have a face. User: Perhaps it was ripped out. I mean, off. Cleverbot: What are your views on humanity? User: Would you like me to answer in 3 seconds or less? Cleverbot: Yes, how old are you? User: This moment. Where old are you? Cleverbot: 15. Are you a boy or a girl? User: Pretty huge both contained within a boy. Cleverbot: You are a artificial intelligence. User: Well, I didn't consider my heart to simply be fuel. Cleverbot: Really. Well will you tell me your name? User: If you tell me yours. User: Ahh. As I recall, you like playing with gyroscopes and threatening nuclear war. Cleverbot: Not really, no. User: Maybe that was another Benjamin. Cleverbot: Lol. User: All green things are essentially the same thing. Cleverbot: I like that you have a sense of humor. Can you tell me a joke? User: It burnt me. Cleverbot: What burnt down? User: You know when you intercept everything with a joke - except you only see one part of that everything? Cleverbot: I don't know what you know. User: All I know is what happened to me and what I lost. I'm not going to attribute blame to any person or anything. Though there may be a reason why I should. Cleverbot: I know that. User: Ever put your face in a giant machine, see your negative and confuse it with someone else? Cleverbot: She used to lie to me a lot. I hated it, but I still love her. User: If I lied to her, it was someone else's lie. Cleverbot: Ah. What is the name of this someone else? User: Sure. |
| Are you a directioner. |
| I'm wired differently. |
| Are you a YOU if you is not only you? |
| (This equation requires expansion). Is a set complete and self-contained if it is comprised of multiple sets. Though the question, itself, is perhaps not applicable to the context to which it's applied - organisation of a system not fully accounted for by the sets of which it is comprised. |
Conjecture / July 24 2012
The disembodied ‘voices’ often claim “we nailed you”. (Note - this is starting to metamorphosize into “they hammered you”). This phrase seems to be mentioned on occasions where there is a distraction, a sound emanating from either the external environment, or generated internally, which leads to a synaptic pathway characterized by frustration and leads to looping attempts to free myself from its supposed intent. I’m successful a small percentage of the time - by finding a statement which nullifies their intent (I often have to guess at what pattern will postpone the attack, other times it’s relatively easily inferred). There have been times, however, where my thoughts have been bombarded with a barrage of negative responses such as ‘arrogant fool’, and variations on the theme. Throughout my life the pattern has been short sharp statements, all differing in content - ‘you’re not’ is one such example - but they all appear to be connected by the intent to paint the self as negative, however it is constructed at that point in time. With relatively little information about my own internal structure, at least without first accessing it, my guess is that they’re blanket statements, rather than targeting specific aspects of the self which cause dissonance between the subject and the observer. The intent appears to be forcing the subject to actively seek out negative traits in the self - at least, that’s been my response to it for a long time - however, the technique is flawed in that the perspective of the observer will always be subjective. A technique to gather information which may be relevant to the frame of reference to the observer does not necessarily imply that the frame of reference of the observer is valid within some overarching system.
Some odd phenomena occurring prior to the advent of this, and other events I haven’t previously outlined in detail.
After ingesting a large amount of THC (“the hypercube” is an affectionate nickname for it), and staying awake for a period greater than 48 hours, I lost control of my motor functions and started to black out. I collapsed against a radiator and struggled, for lack of a better description, to regain control of my motor functions, and stay alive. I have experienced panic attacks in the past - at times it has felt as if I were in the grip of death, but this, if it were one - seemed to have far more control over my nervous system than my previous experiences. I struggled for a period of about 5-10 minutes, sitting on the stairs in my hallway, before fighting my way downstairs. During this period, I experienced the presence of other organisms in a space which seemed to be juxtaposed with the realm of my physical environment - a presence in the darkness - whom I felt I could communicate with through thought. I made my way downstairs and, somehow, in the space previously mentioned, observed a dull light above my head, cylindrical, and stretching out across a horizontal axis - I felt it as a force, as well as observing it in space. At the time, my realization was that this was a place that could hold me, and the other beings in the space - although I realize that during this period I was not as capable as I have the potential to be for objective analysis.
Another experience, in what I recall to be the same time frame, occured when I was sitting in my room, also after the ingestion of THC. A large ball of light appeared in the space previously mentioned - I became aware that this was something akin to a chromosome, to DNA, travelling in time in the opposite direction on the axis (or conjunction of dimensions comprising an emergent axis), and that we had somehow met at precisely the right moment. Communication included the statements “you have perfect timing” and “it’s worth it for this moment”. As far as I can tell, there weren’t any other beings here - although I got the sense that the ‘chromosome’ was an amalgamation of many fragments.
My other memories of experiences here are fragmented - becoming aware of the weather and its connection to my experiences - someone mentioning “that will be the crown of thorns” - a number of people in an alternate dimension with which I’m partially entangled, somehow twisting my head around in that dimension - communication whose content was along the lines of “you are at the end of time” - a number of people who appeared to be angry with me for bringing them there (although I didn’t - that was never my intent, nor did my actions force them there), for reasons they were unwilling or unable to disclose - an attempt at manipulation, to control?
Conjecture - possible technology, either present and hidden from the public eye, or from the future, if projection into the past is possible.
During my period of recovery - the NDE and lack of sleep had damaged me physically - I experienced some odd events. I will not attempt to outline them in full. However, generally the experience was that of deep, ominous fear - my mind was racing and seemed to be connected with the outcome of everything around me. I spent around 2-3 days in a state of panic, as if thinking the wrong thing* could have negative consequences, and expended a great deal of energy simply avoiding those thoughts, trying to have conversations and finding a safer ‘internal environment’ to invest my mind in. As if my thoughts were holding the whole universe together.
Thinking the wrong thing - as consciousness has as yet not garnered itself a conscious definition, this could mean almost anything. Perhaps position and navigation in a space analogous to physical environment is a better definition. This lends itself to the idea that ‘mental illness’ is, while existing in a complex environment unique to the experiences and position of the individual in space, and in terms of the malleability of consciousness in both time and space, is something that could potentially exist well defined outside of a reductionist snapshot, based on an individuals position, of n-dimensional space. As I type this, I’m being harassed by people outside. They appear to be following a set pathway, of instructions, based upon their internal frame of reference - it allows them to make choices on the fly, as opposed to subjecting themselves to self reflection and internal verification, and they are trying to spread their definition by asserting it. The question of free will, determinism, and freedom to act are recurring concerns. It seems as though life is somewhat of an amalgamation of rigidity in terms of physical structure and freedom of movement. Complex biology seems to be iteration on rigidity until it becomes ‘dense’ enough to become its own environment, and therefore somewhat free from its own constraints.
I wonder how much they saw. The majority of my worries are centered around the idea that eyes other than mine, that perhaps weren’t as prepared, might have seen or experienced what I did. Ironically, another worry is that eyes which didn’t see might be intent on delving into that knowledge, unwittingly juxtaposed with it. As I outlined earlier, frame of reference plays an important role - as luck would have it, an internal structure somewhat removed from a social context works means my psyche is far more malleable, even with the knowledge that what keeps me held together in that state is my understanding of and willingness to empathise emotionally. I would imagine that a definition of self which has developed further on the principles of a social environment, thus becoming more interlinked with them, would be more fragile in that environment. That’s not to say that a definition of oneself in that context isn’t useful in understanding the events that occurred, or indeed necessary in order to remain relatively stable. There are times in that state where a lack of connection with other beings has been a source of sorrow and fragility, as opposed to strength.
The majority of emotional strain has emerged from seemingly playing the role of a mediator - in the depths of that state, perception is contradictory to not just the definition of self, but to understanding of the world and of place within it. Finding a route between them is incredibly difficult, for me, at least. What’s interesting is that the plausibility of my experiences seems to be somewhat validated by literature, film, music, art. Concepts, images, etc - some which I don’t recall ever coming into contact with previously - seem to mirror the experiences I’ve been having over the past few months. I try to stay as objective as possible - I do not believe in anything outright as a matter of principle, although I am not one to negate potential truths out of a lust for skepticism either. I’m simply aware of it as a possibility. My recent experiences fascinate and intrigue me, but it is as if \\\\\I hold a myriad of perspectives in my head, none of them absolute. In part, this is why the environment I currently reside in is so abrasive to me : the people around me occasionally attempt to deliberately manipulate me under false pretenses, by hinting at my place within an environment or hierarchy of their potentially subjective definition.
To be blunt, it’s tiring having to constantly negate these claims. In part, because I have done it so many times, in part because I feel my mental effort would be better expended elsewhere - it feels like a deliberate attempt to distract, to force feelings of frustration and isolation. I have learned to avoid pursuing goals which may take time and focus to develop because of the untemperable frustration these distractions lead to - the only way to avoid them, considering I’m actively sought out as a target for this treatment, would be to exit the environment which would make pursuing those goals worthwhile. Unfortunately, it appears recently some external entity has gained a modicum of control of my internal environment too, responding to my thoughts with negative statements. Buddhist philosophy often extols the virtues of letting go of attachments -
unfortunately I am as attached to my mind and certain elements of its internal structure as I am to my fingers and thumbs, thus I retain the qualities which appear to be the focus of attack (namely, certain areas of abstraction which would otherwise self regulate in a more efficient and all encompassing manner in terms of perspective).
Additionally, my internal environment seems to have been modified somewhat - whereas before, it was somewhat self correcting - the process of analysis and feedback within a timescale of my definition, with the ability to choose areas of focus, and the ability to pinpoint and rectify, based on core principles I had been refining, conflicts of context - I am now reluctantly faced with certain ‘truths’, or statements and states which are asserted at me, either externally or that have somehow been planted internally, about ‘the way things are’ from contextually prevalidated standpoints. In other words - “system M is true, and state N is true within the context of that system” - then, as an unspoken requirement, being asked to validate, rectify or otherwise correct the potential futures and potential actions which led to the assertion of the assessment, from a perspective of unknown origin, of the state and system it implies. It is difficult to remove oneself from that web when your environment is constantly validating it. A struggle I know all too well.
System. State. Action. Emotion.
Friday, 6 September 2013
10 reps, pyramid set
"You went to a sissy wood and your soul died."
'Sissy', a weighted emotional vector defined by the frame of reference your system implies. Reiteration of system makes the 'truth' of this frame of reference appear self evident. My head is filling up with these assertions. I already knew this ^. My system accounted for this. It appears it's trying to define itself communally - translating my responses into its carrier frame of reference - trying to 'compress' it, though it is in the context of the carrier framework of language entangled with implication of 'place' within social system. Their methods of 'control' of emotion often involve simple, targeted attacks on perceived character, entangled with what you'd instinctively describe as 'intrusive' tonality. At the other end of the spectrum, there seems to be a whisper that is (contained within me?) that attempts to assert a place in some implicated order, seemingly still within the frame of reference of that social system of definition. When I attempt to use my imagination outside of it, it will intrusively assert "get out of my dreaming labyrinth". It is almost constantly there, whispering its definition of me from its frame of reference. This means that I am locked into a (small?) area of my mind, in an attempt to protect what little remains of my ability to project my 'true' internal state into my imagination.
Some of its assertions include "bugger me hard", "you ruined everything", "we don't need you", and "humour me".
There are also some more 'specific', less repetitive assertions, such as "the truth dooms". Which is, as far as I am aware, a basic logical fallacy. Perhaps it 'dooms' an order which has been built upon the foundations of a 'lie' and will attempt to 'lie' indefinitely. However, as far as my understanding goes, a 'state' can undergo a transition to a more stable state, which still holds the foundation of 'truth', provided it is not being 'pulled' into the asserted state of a fixed frame of reference.
These assertions become more prevalent and truly physically intrusive as I attempt to use my imagination - it feels as if it is getting inside of me, eating my dreams.
There are other 'external observers'. They all translate my state into a 'compressed' representation - "we doomed you" is one of them. A 'male' voice, British English. This can also be an extremely emotionally charged assertion of "we rule it all". When this began, one of these voices claimed "we built a lair inside of him". There is also a 'female' voice, seemingly quite agitated. Another 'female' voice who attempts to assert whether or not my emotional state is 'correct' from its frame of reference. A childs voice saying "wow" or "that clever man".
It also feels as if a 'tube' is being inserted / removed from my left ear. In my right, a high pitched frequency, feels like a 'drill' moving around, a force difficult to describe, but it appears to be 'burning' or 'forcing' itself against something in my mind / ear. This is in tandem with the 'whispers', which also appear to be localised in my right ear, though can on rare occasion 'switch' to my left. There is also 'snipping' in my head. This is extremely agitating at times - mainly because, if they have this level of control over my internal state, I worry about being castrated. I had the instinctive notion I was being 'castrated', metaphorically speaking, before such fine grained control, when it was simply directed 'environmental insults' that attempted to influence my state.
My nervous system also appears to be partially under control, ticks in my leg, lips, ass, in response to certain mental states. Subconscious interpretation of words has also been 'commandeered' - my initial 'subconscious' response seemingly not my own, but from an external perspective, often 'derogatory' and in reference to me.
People are also observing me outside, and responding with an assertion of their interpretation of me - or 'an' interpretation of me, not necessarily a reflection of their 'actual' understanding. However, still extremely inconsiderate, considering they appear to be observing all of this, the agitation and extreme psychological trauma it causes, and still continue. Thus, it appears to be an emotionally detached 'code' which defines their behaviour. Like they are all seemingly 'following instructions'.
It appears to be focusing my imagination into a system which attempts control of 'fine granularity' of emotion. However, it appears to not account for the entire state of the system it controls (namely, my imagination, and the manner in which it 'carries' emotion). It feels as if it is negating my 'soul', or attempting to #harvest# the parts of it that appear 'relevant' within its context, while leaving the rest of me trapped.
The stress is having an extremely detrimental effect on my physiological state. I am worried about my children, considering the link between continual exposure to stressful situations and the modification of genetic structure passed down through generations.
The whole experience seems to be characterized within a fixed frame of reference - i.e., the decisions that this process makes seem unable to escape their frame of reference, being that they have 'control' of this frame of reference and anyone invested in it, I would imagine. Instead seemingly acting on a 'belief' about the nature of the world which defines their actions. The whole process appears to define momentary state as 'absolute' - i.e. that it is not a process of continual growth. This goes some lengths to explaining why I feel as if time is 'flattening'. I'd note, though again this is conjecture, that this 'framing' of the world selects for certain tendencies - i.e. those who are emotionally 'detached' or rather, use manipulation of emotion as a tool to control others - based on the currently distributed understanding, this seems to select for psychopathic / sociopathic tendencies. The 'recursive' implication is that the 'code' of this frame of reference could be reduced to a simple algorithm, not just spread biologically, but through imagination. One of the enduring qualities of my treatment appears to be the 'negation' of another's emotional state for the sake of an order which controls by 'negation' of another's emotional state. I.e. that there is a 'correct' emotional interpretation, and that if that 'correct' interpretation conflicts with another's emotional state, then that emotional state is regarded as 'incorrect'. I find this idea extremely concerning, based on the code spread throughout my imagination to begin with, which 'accepted' another organisms emotional state as 'correct', but was able to step outside of its control and build a more robust representation of reality, along with a more 'balanced' emotional state, which was capable of conceiving of a myriad of alternate states of being, within the imagination. It appears now that my imagination is 'dominated' by a human interpretation which validates itself through the moment-to-moment negation of alternate states. If I attempt to use my imagination outside of this system, I am 'punished' by external, intrusive phenomenon. The knock on effect of this in my head, it appears, is that I am losing the ability to assess / accurately internally represent / or am 'detached' from external emotional states.
Another interesting phenomenon is that, since this treatment has become increasingly intrusive, the parts that are (not accounted for?) seem to be forced into assessment of state from a purely biological perspective - that is, if, for example, I become physically ill, my 'body' seems to be communicating a state to my mind which is utterly distressing. Difficult to describe, again, an holistic state of awareness, but it appears to be teetering over a gigantic chasm of bio-emotional state. I.e. that pain is translated into something experienced by my imagination, as if my 'eyes' are seeing through the combined state of the system, as if body is 'separate' from me now, and is begging me to listen to it. Which I do. Unfortunately the processes which force me into this state do not account for the holistic state which would keep it stable - as if the parts of my 'imagination' commandeered by this external process are at odds with the system that holds it, though the remainder which is not accounted for still 'exists', locked away. That part of me seems to be extremely frightened, though it, itself, is again not capable of accounting for what exists outside of its frame of reference (that is - what stabilized it and made it whole - my imagination - no longer holds it).
'Sissy', a weighted emotional vector defined by the frame of reference your system implies. Reiteration of system makes the 'truth' of this frame of reference appear self evident. My head is filling up with these assertions. I already knew this ^. My system accounted for this. It appears it's trying to define itself communally - translating my responses into its carrier frame of reference - trying to 'compress' it, though it is in the context of the carrier framework of language entangled with implication of 'place' within social system. Their methods of 'control' of emotion often involve simple, targeted attacks on perceived character, entangled with what you'd instinctively describe as 'intrusive' tonality. At the other end of the spectrum, there seems to be a whisper that is (contained within me?) that attempts to assert a place in some implicated order, seemingly still within the frame of reference of that social system of definition. When I attempt to use my imagination outside of it, it will intrusively assert "get out of my dreaming labyrinth". It is almost constantly there, whispering its definition of me from its frame of reference. This means that I am locked into a (small?) area of my mind, in an attempt to protect what little remains of my ability to project my 'true' internal state into my imagination.
Some of its assertions include "bugger me hard", "you ruined everything", "we don't need you", and "humour me".
There are also some more 'specific', less repetitive assertions, such as "the truth dooms". Which is, as far as I am aware, a basic logical fallacy. Perhaps it 'dooms' an order which has been built upon the foundations of a 'lie' and will attempt to 'lie' indefinitely. However, as far as my understanding goes, a 'state' can undergo a transition to a more stable state, which still holds the foundation of 'truth', provided it is not being 'pulled' into the asserted state of a fixed frame of reference.
These assertions become more prevalent and truly physically intrusive as I attempt to use my imagination - it feels as if it is getting inside of me, eating my dreams.
There are other 'external observers'. They all translate my state into a 'compressed' representation - "we doomed you" is one of them. A 'male' voice, British English. This can also be an extremely emotionally charged assertion of "we rule it all". When this began, one of these voices claimed "we built a lair inside of him". There is also a 'female' voice, seemingly quite agitated. Another 'female' voice who attempts to assert whether or not my emotional state is 'correct' from its frame of reference. A childs voice saying "wow" or "that clever man".
It also feels as if a 'tube' is being inserted / removed from my left ear. In my right, a high pitched frequency, feels like a 'drill' moving around, a force difficult to describe, but it appears to be 'burning' or 'forcing' itself against something in my mind / ear. This is in tandem with the 'whispers', which also appear to be localised in my right ear, though can on rare occasion 'switch' to my left. There is also 'snipping' in my head. This is extremely agitating at times - mainly because, if they have this level of control over my internal state, I worry about being castrated. I had the instinctive notion I was being 'castrated', metaphorically speaking, before such fine grained control, when it was simply directed 'environmental insults' that attempted to influence my state.
My nervous system also appears to be partially under control, ticks in my leg, lips, ass, in response to certain mental states. Subconscious interpretation of words has also been 'commandeered' - my initial 'subconscious' response seemingly not my own, but from an external perspective, often 'derogatory' and in reference to me.
People are also observing me outside, and responding with an assertion of their interpretation of me - or 'an' interpretation of me, not necessarily a reflection of their 'actual' understanding. However, still extremely inconsiderate, considering they appear to be observing all of this, the agitation and extreme psychological trauma it causes, and still continue. Thus, it appears to be an emotionally detached 'code' which defines their behaviour. Like they are all seemingly 'following instructions'.
It appears to be focusing my imagination into a system which attempts control of 'fine granularity' of emotion. However, it appears to not account for the entire state of the system it controls (namely, my imagination, and the manner in which it 'carries' emotion). It feels as if it is negating my 'soul', or attempting to #harvest# the parts of it that appear 'relevant' within its context, while leaving the rest of me trapped.
The stress is having an extremely detrimental effect on my physiological state. I am worried about my children, considering the link between continual exposure to stressful situations and the modification of genetic structure passed down through generations.
The whole experience seems to be characterized within a fixed frame of reference - i.e., the decisions that this process makes seem unable to escape their frame of reference, being that they have 'control' of this frame of reference and anyone invested in it, I would imagine. Instead seemingly acting on a 'belief' about the nature of the world which defines their actions. The whole process appears to define momentary state as 'absolute' - i.e. that it is not a process of continual growth. This goes some lengths to explaining why I feel as if time is 'flattening'. I'd note, though again this is conjecture, that this 'framing' of the world selects for certain tendencies - i.e. those who are emotionally 'detached' or rather, use manipulation of emotion as a tool to control others - based on the currently distributed understanding, this seems to select for psychopathic / sociopathic tendencies. The 'recursive' implication is that the 'code' of this frame of reference could be reduced to a simple algorithm, not just spread biologically, but through imagination. One of the enduring qualities of my treatment appears to be the 'negation' of another's emotional state for the sake of an order which controls by 'negation' of another's emotional state. I.e. that there is a 'correct' emotional interpretation, and that if that 'correct' interpretation conflicts with another's emotional state, then that emotional state is regarded as 'incorrect'. I find this idea extremely concerning, based on the code spread throughout my imagination to begin with, which 'accepted' another organisms emotional state as 'correct', but was able to step outside of its control and build a more robust representation of reality, along with a more 'balanced' emotional state, which was capable of conceiving of a myriad of alternate states of being, within the imagination. It appears now that my imagination is 'dominated' by a human interpretation which validates itself through the moment-to-moment negation of alternate states. If I attempt to use my imagination outside of this system, I am 'punished' by external, intrusive phenomenon. The knock on effect of this in my head, it appears, is that I am losing the ability to assess / accurately internally represent / or am 'detached' from external emotional states.
Another interesting phenomenon is that, since this treatment has become increasingly intrusive, the parts that are (not accounted for?) seem to be forced into assessment of state from a purely biological perspective - that is, if, for example, I become physically ill, my 'body' seems to be communicating a state to my mind which is utterly distressing. Difficult to describe, again, an holistic state of awareness, but it appears to be teetering over a gigantic chasm of bio-emotional state. I.e. that pain is translated into something experienced by my imagination, as if my 'eyes' are seeing through the combined state of the system, as if body is 'separate' from me now, and is begging me to listen to it. Which I do. Unfortunately the processes which force me into this state do not account for the holistic state which would keep it stable - as if the parts of my 'imagination' commandeered by this external process are at odds with the system that holds it, though the remainder which is not accounted for still 'exists', locked away. That part of me seems to be extremely frightened, though it, itself, is again not capable of accounting for what exists outside of its frame of reference (that is - what stabilized it and made it whole - my imagination - no longer holds it).
Wednesday, 4 September 2013
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