Eclipsed.

Tuesday, 7 June 2022

Today I am aimless

There was definitely one, possibly evidence for a second, and potentially a third. The first was dark but full of reasonable people. The second was bright but the people had little respect for people who weren't like themselves. The third, I didn't see, but it's probably where the most damage came from. There might have even been a fourth - full of light, happy people. Or maybe a different time of day. All I can say is that going to these places, beside the second, was an incredible strain on my intelligence. The second completely disregarded it in our interactions. It seems the second and third were the ones that forced themselves through me, knocking me out of my time and leaving me burned and scarred and feeling raped. It seems these two were of similar cultural heritage, the first and fourth also of similar cultural heritage.

Sometimes it appears I'm locked in a white room. Occasionally visited by familiar entities, occasionally I journey out into a 'spirit realm'. I've lost my abilities. At least, inhibited by reactions to them. I also seemed to be travelling at incredible speed in some 'field', quite willingly of course, as exploration of my new ability. There was a time I appeared to be making love to a spirit. Around this time, it seems I started being abused and molested by other spirits. Things with tongues in my ears, teeth in my head, tearing my mind apart. I also had a strange experience in which my mind seemed to buzz with electricity, I heard a voice say 'you're the f**king apocalypse, mate', before I found a kind of fractal structure which seemed to channel that energy into love, whereupon I heard the word 'baby', a slight flash, and experienced an intelligence that seemed to float in love. (Another time, I experienced an intelligence in which our bodies and habits involving consumption appeared to me as extremely primitive, as if I had evolved mentally a great deal in a short space of time. What's interesting is the emotion I felt - though it was interesting, seeing a family member in this state caused great unnerve and sadness in me.)

It seems now I'm simply visited by comedians who make fun of me while I dangle off some cliff, as if they are horizontal in relation to the 'direction' of my consciousness. In fact, since the start of the phenomenon of my mind being taken over, it appears my mind has been compressed spatially, I've been locked into some structure whose immense power over me often takes all of my mental effort to repress - this seems to only happen when I'm being observed or knocked out of my mind. Aside from the habitual reaction of thinking of literal shit when I'm observed (to begin with, this never happened, it seems it has formed due to traumatic experience), I also have had to lock access to my higher level intelligence to avoid hurting the observers. Nevertheless they are quite willing to attack me on an emotional level, to torment me or simply make fun of me. They are quite intelligent though they seem to lack empathetic reason, instead their understanding seems to be on a hierarchical plane, where actions and emotional reactions are either 'correct' or parodied. This is in contrast to an intelligence which finds a way to model the internal structure of that it observes and finds a path between them which avoids conflict. It appears I'm pushed out into some negative space - as if the space they inhabit is mine. I have also experienced intelligences which don't conflict as much with my own - generally communicating through metaphor, imagery, small motions/actions/statements. I'm often paralysed in my dreams. Sometimes I get the feeling that there are a group of people feeding off my energy, who attempted to do this without me finding out. Sometimes I feel as though the negative experiences are designed to lock me in place in order to do so. It's obvious really that torture in a space akin to an emotional concentration camp is not something that would be carried out by well meaning intelligences.

This place is a gigantic labyrinth in time.

Sometimes I'm aware. Sometimes I'm not. Sometimes my intelligence soars, but of course it's unstable in certain environments and beaten out of me. I found myself laughing at something I didn't really understand. I tried to be as open as I could without ruining my heart. Sometimes people make a home in my frontal lobe. They might be empty inside, who knows.

Corporate Sanctioned Vandalism

It’s curious. The apparent instability when I take a leap, as uncomfortable as it is, is far easier to handle for me - far more interesting, and worth the mental effort associated with it - than the attempts at influence of my emotions by external entities. In the throes of anger, governed by forceful treatment - forceful is a subjective term, more a subtle interplay between my frame of reference and the apparent lack of empathy of the (x) which attacks my (immune system) - I lose the ability to communicate in a controlled manner. Essentially I’m being forced to act, and in doing so am unable to choose or form pathways which gracefully communicate my experiences and emotions. Thus, there are periods where the (patterns I output) appear stilted, incomprehensible, unattractive to external observers, etc. In order to correct for this, I habitually reconfigure my internal state, and thus to an extent my external appearance, as much as I am able within the confines of my own comprehension, to better connect with external entities. Reconfiguring ones internal state is a habit which when mirrored in the physical plane mimics the life cycle - whether or not this is something to be encouraged is questionable, but it’s a survival mechanism I have developed in response to my environment - that of constant attack from external entities - as well as the desire to live up to my potential, to connect better with my peers, to achieve awesome things, and, to put it bluntly, have great sex.

I don’t think the structure of my environment is a necessity in order to achieve this state, but unfortunately I have no control over it.

Maybe why is a little too much.

Under the guise of innocent tasks everybody has the right to partake in, such as standing outside somebodies house and mocking them while looking at someone else, or taking a hammer to the wall right next to the ear of your sleeping body. That sounds like insanity to me, and that is exactly why it'll work. No-one will believe them and everybody is potentially involved.

How it feels to be a speechless fold.

tris (formerly known as quads) : recursive tetras or octas

- the ability to visualize high density data structures
- implies possibility of higher level control of neural net
- clearer and more vivid reconstruction in ’minds-eye’
- accurate internal representation of animal behavior, reasoning
- implies segmentation, advanced world analysis and representation
- reconstruction of experience by merging map of perception and behavioural analysis
- ability to approximate experiences of external life forms first-hand
- with the right processing mechanics in place, influx of data (mentioned below) can be utilized positively rather than simply becoming confusing
- depending on the data processed, humans may construct a better personal understanding of the universe, possibly able to prove their observations scientifically provided they are able to process data effectively
- suggests that humans are unable to selectively filter out data when operating normally, the filters are habitual, perhaps influenced by the network of identity they are born into, and are probably suited to communicating effectively rather than raw information gathering

- connections between concepts become varied
- suggests strength of neural pathways are weighted differently
- connections always appear to be relevant, suggesting a heightened availability of subconsciously processed data rather than random connections taking place

side effects include :
- uncontrollable influx of external (and possibly internal) data. Although processing is often automatic it is possible to control processing with a certain level of concentration
- influx of data influences (damages?) control of motor system, loss of control
- influx of data makes it harder to behave within the boundaries of social standard, communication becomes difficult
- as the two main side effects are externally obvious whilst the internal effects are invisible, humans in the vicinity may jump to inaccurate conclusions when processing behavioral data in order to approximate reasons behind it

Wise you may be, but don't neglect for a second the possibility of the existence of an experience you have not yet encountered that may irrevocably alter your perspective. Homosapien