If I were the thing which I'm pertaining to be, this would be my to-do list

• Position yourself so that your intelligence appears to be of a greater magnitude than that which you are attempting to digest.
• Create an order which attempts to control by means of mimicry of your own digestive tract. 
• Hit things harder if they don't immediately submit. 
• Bury truth with assertion, find mechanisms of survival which depend on the repression of others and don't as a prerequisite require validation of self outside of a superficial context. 
• Bully and mangle your intent post-violent coitus to that of a guiding hand. 
• Act with malignancy. 
• Stifle all possibility. 
• Disregard internal conception of sex organs, make internal conception of dinner.
• Invest all light in a doomed system of everlasting eternal lies.